It seems to pivot on the transition between being criticised for bad behaviour and becoming distressed by it.
If we can learn that criticism can be a useful thing and use it to learn (where justified), grow (where needed) or reject with confidence (where valid) then it feeds into a positive growth loop instead.
I see many people here take any sort of negativity badly and either start to fight back or spiral into despair. This is a weakness as I see it which we can learn to swing to our advantage.
If we do not learn to recognise "bad" behaviour in ourselves and evaluate if it should be sustained then we are making the same mistakes over and over.
That is my take on it.
My issue with this is that our behaviour isn't "bad", it is just different. Why should we completely change ourselves because others aren't particularly accepting? Why shouldn't we stim when we need to or show joy in our special interests? Nobody expects neurotypical people to change their "bad" behaviour. Only those that don't fit.
And when we are talking about traits that can actually be negative it can stop be asking a lot. Now I'm not saying that autistic people can't and shouldn't ever learn from their behaviour. But some things are inherently difficult and trying to change it would be incredibly mentally challenging. I find that when someone has criticised my behaviour - I then put a lot of effort into trying to repeat this behaviour and it takes so much mental energy, I just end up doing a load of other things that people don't like instead because my brain just cannot cope.
My issue with this is that our behaviour isn't "bad", it is just different.
Looking at this from an NTs point of view, I think our behaviour is often seen as bad to them because:
- our attempts to contribute to conversations tend to break the flow of it - people don't know how to respond to the things we say and the things are also self centric. This will result in people feeling we are "killing the conversation" by participating.
- we often stare, have wierd expressions, stim or have tics which make people feel uncomfortable.
- some have volume issues when speaking, use a lot of quotes from film/tv/music or don't know when to stop talking, all of which makes people feel we are "being wierd".
- delays in processing questions, responding to others statements or emotional disregulation mean conversations are mixed up with answers / responses from questions from minutes ago and this disturbs the flow or confuses people.
- We often want to talk about our special interests when others don't, leaving them feeling dumped on by info they didn't want in the first place which can feel a bit hostile.
- our lack of understanding of social rules means we can often make mistakes, asking about things that upset people or saying things that are insensitive.
These are only a few examples of what makes us "bad" at social interactions and why we need to learn to know when to listen to criticism and grow from it.
Why should we completely change ourselves because others aren't particularly accepting?
The simple answer is that we are a small minority (about 3% in the general population I think) and not all of us have this social interaction issue - the real number affected is probably less than 1%.
Why should the other 99% of the population have to change how they do all their interacting to accomodate us? Sure it would be nice if they did but you are effectively asking 99 people to make a load of changes for the benefit of 1.
some things are inherently difficult and trying to change it would be incredibly mentally challenging.
Would it not be more sensible for that 1 person to learn how to interact acceptably? It is for our benefit after all.
I'm just trying for a reality check here.
I think a lot of my problems in and with groups, is that they talk about things that I have no interest in at all, like soap opera's, so not only do I not contribute, but it automaticly makes me an outsider and I think this would happen to an NT that wan't a soap watcher. Even if you go to special interest groups, people talk about other stuff and I wonder if this confuses an ND? The ND will be trying to stick to the interest they're all there to share and may not always understand that others will talk about other stuff too?
I think a lot of my problems in and with groups, is that they talk about things that I have no interest in at all, like soap opera's, so not only do I not contribute, but it automaticly makes me an outsider and I think this would happen to an NT that wan't a soap watcher. Even if you go to special interest groups, people talk about other stuff and I wonder if this confuses an ND? The ND will be trying to stick to the interest they're all there to share and may not always understand that others will talk about other stuff too?