Poop has hit the fan

Glad to hear that you have had a chat with your friend and you are both trying to work on a more manageable way forwards to take into account both of your respective needs.

It is healthy for people who have experienced either a major physical health, or a significant mental health episode; to recuperate, put in the effort on any required rehabilitation activities, and then be allowed to work through their recovery journey to the stage where everyone acknowledges and respects that the person has graduated beyond being some sort of "healthcare victim". 

I speak from personal experience of having "graduated" from various healthcare events over the years and finding it supremely stressful, frustrating and disrespectful if relatives etc. persist in heckling me with comments like: "oh, you don't need that! ...you ought to be careful", or constantly, needlessly and intrusively attempting to grill me about the tiniest details of my calendar, location and travel plans etc. (it is not their business and I am allowed a personal life ...frankly, it can border on attempted coercive control - therefore, I have found it necessary to install boundaries to safeguard my privacy, confidentiality and wellbeing).

You have clearly described having experienced traumatic events in your past.  So has your friend.  I can imagine that must have been so very shocking a situation in both of your cases.  The challenge is how to learn to live in and fully celebrate the "now".  How things really are "now".  The potential and opportunities "now" offers to each person.

Sometimes, I think that those of us who are trauma survivors; could all learn some wellbeing hints and tips (to stand us in good stead for the way forward) by taking note of how a beloved pet dog, or a service / support dog approaches life.  They embrace and live in the "now".  We can learn to do likewise.

If catastrophising is something which risks activating and fuelling our anxiety triggers - then facts are our friend. 

In a calm moment; it is worthwhile making for ourselves either: a bullet points list / a before, now, future table / a decision-making tree (what do I know?, how do I know it?, how can I remind myself it is still true?) / a meaningful photo showing all is well now / a mood or inspiration board to remind ourselves of the future things which from "here", in the "now", are still likely to be achievable in the future (in spite of our temporary peak in anxiety) - or some other technique which you prefer.

Next time that anxiety risks overwhelming our grasp on the facts of the "now" - we get out our bullet points list etc. of "now" facts reminders - read it through - and try our best to use that pause and review technique to better ground ourselves.

The aim, over time and iterations, is to try to learn to more readily recognise the base layer of a potential catastrophising spiral beginning to try and form and then to pause it in its early phase of progress. 

It might not be possible for it to work out "perfect" as a pause every time we try the technique - and yet, it doesn't need be perfect - valid "success" can be measured as achieving degrees of improvement.

1. Last time, I didn't use the facts review / pause technique ... spiralling was the outcome,
2. This time, I had a go using the facts pause, although it wasn't perfect ...the outcome was a bit less intense spiralling, and
3. Next time, I will try to catch the anxiety blip a bit earlier and use the facts pause technique with a bit more confidence ... hopefully, success will be reflected in the degrees of improvement over my last time trying to use the technique.

The below article is designed for professionals who support people with improving their experience of catastrophising, however, I found reading it was helpful for me too:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autism-catastrophising

Best wishes.

It's good that you managed to talk to him and are more comfortable.

Maybe you do need to talk to someone about this though.

Update I had a long chat with Rikki last night and he heard me shouting his name outside his window yesterday and to make things worse after he messaged me annoyed and blocked me I was leaving the area and he drove past me in his car and he saw me. The good news is I’m unblocked but there is still a bit of upset lurking and he says I need to let him go. Before anyone gets the wrong idea he doesn’t mean as a friend he means the fears in my head about him we are still friends. If things go well I will see him on Sunday. My mum was 66 when she died me and my dad where heartbroken my dad has remarried recently but he still loves my mum but had to move on. Today now I don’t have to panic over Rikki as he messaged me to say he working and not for me to contact him until this evening. 

This is catastrophising, it is a common aspect of anxiety disorders. A talking therapy or anxiety medication might be helpful. There are mental techniques to break the cycle of increasing anxiety. It is also a product of modern communication systems, because it is possible to contact people all the time, when you cannot it becomes anxiety inducing. A few decades ago, this was not the case. Once away from home, people were not usually contactable.

Really feel for you reading this story, the sense of utter panic and need to reassure yourself by checking is very clear. I am in no way a medical professional but some life changing events leave us with trauma, whether or not you fit that category is up to the experts but you’ve evidently been scarred by the tragic lose of your mother. I lost my mother to cancer just over three years ago, she was only in her early 60s so expected more time with her than I had. I have no doubt that her death changed my world view and also who I am as a person. Its left me feeling vulnerable and uncertain where as before I had more confidence in my ability to control my mental health better, I have lost my tools so to speak. Perhaps when your friend is feeling up to it arrange a coffee for an open and honest chat, you don’t need to be sorry for how you are, it’s not something you can switch off but maybe you’ll feel better if you can lay the cards on the table, not sure if this is something you’ve done already but friends need each other. 

Hi Rach, sorry to hear you've had such a bad day.

None of us will live forever, and so we need to remind ourselves to treasure the time we spend with those we care about. Try to move your thinking from worrying about him to thinking how he feels and what you can do together to make your lives as friends a good experience for you both. Give him space and spend that time planning nice things to do when he's ready.

In your profile you say " I sometimes struggle with life but I always manage to get through the hard times." And you will get through this one too - have faith in yourself, you can do it.