Being an Autistic Manager is hard!

Try to step outside yourself and look back.

If you remove the personal element, and look at you as another person that is doing a function, how would you view what is happening. If you can intellectualise things it removes the emotion. 

What would you say to this other person.

You seem to have identified the main issues. You know what to do. You just need a plan and to try and do them. Have belief in yourself. It's not easy. Try not to keep everything in your head. Make lists and then you can focus without worrying about forgetting and you can prioritise.

You don't have to do everything every day. I used to put myself under so much pressure.

If you need more time or space, try to push back on some things, renegotiate to get time. Make some counter proposals so you are not negative.

You don't have to fix everything in one go. Make some incremental improvements.

Thing don't have to be perfect, embrace good enough.

I feel your pain.

I was a manager for about 20 years and it never got easier, but finding the right tools to help does take some of the sting out of it.

The skills I found most helpful are:

1 - mindfulness. This helps get any sitution put into context fast and helps you make an informed decision on the right approach to it.

2 - meditation. This can help you come down from the stress highs very quickly. Being able to escape to the server room / store room etc for a bit of quiet while you work through the relaxation process can be a real lifesaver.

3 - learn to not take things personally. This took a long time but it is just a job and everyone is more or less looking out for themselves so understanding it and not taking it to heart saves so much stress.

4 - ask the company for a mentor. This can be a manager (even from another part of the company) who can teach you the management skills that training courses don't cover. Oh and ask for training courses too - some can be excellent such as conflict resolution.

5 - learn how to switch off when you leave work. A therapist can teach you techniques for this  that work with your AuADHD traits. This helps you get a lot more from your life outside of work and lets you switch the stress survival mode on/off more easily.

Vickstick said:

I had to cancel my counselling due to money issues

If you don't have enough money left over after bills then look for another job. Sometimes just finding one and telling the company you are leaving can result in them finding a big pay bump to keep you, money that mysteriously wan't there for a normal pay rise...

The think I probably enjoyed most about my role was helping my team thrive. It takes a fair bit of understanding of psychology to know how to get them to engage and want to be better but seeing them happy in their role is so worthwhile.

It does get better - it will take a lot of learning of techniques and practice so consider it a long term process as part of your career development and it is less daunting.

This is amazing! Thank you so much. That has definitely given me a lot to think about. I do think that, as autistic people, sometimes we tend to go to the worse case scenario in things (hence RSD). I often say that my favourite forms of exercise are running away from problems and jumping to conclusions! 

The daily work log is something I will definitely use, as I love a list. 

I plan to meet with my manager tomorrow and go through things. These are all great suggestions though

Vickstick said:

Someone talk me down off of this quitting ledge

I am here; talking you off your quitting ledge.

Please don't overlook that "The new role has mostly been fairly comfortable".  That is not as commonplace an experience in the workplace as people might always realise or assume.

Also, if you have been so fortunate as to secure a role in a company / organisation where your HR are Autism knowledgeable and supportive - that is an above average workplace environment - the grass is not always greener elsewhere.

Thinking back to when you were promoted to Admin Lead of your department - remind yourself which things you liked the sound off associated with the promotion.

At the time; did you discuss with your Line Manager any professional development and personal development topics with which you might need training / support / access to a mentor?  If yes, has that happened?  Was it sufficient to assist you on the workplace?

Now that you have reflected upon being in the promoted role for 8 months: do you feel there are aspects of the role with which you now have the experience to identify as requiring some training or support?

With regard to "the higher ups demands and my inability to say no" ... department priorities, key performance indicators and service level agreements should be the foundations upon which the boundaries of your team's demands and delivery must be based.  Otherwise, "yes" quickly tends to lead to "over commit and under perform" - burning out your team members along the way.  If your team is unreasonably being put upon - your manager needs to have their peer-to-peer dialogues and review resource capabilities and training requirements.

It is reasonable to raise this with your Line Manager now (rather than surprising them with that feedback during your annual appraisal).

Boundaries and reasonable adjustments also cone to mind.  It is not fir you to be magically great at dealing with all issues.  Nobody can achieve that solo.  You owe it to yourself, your team members and your family: to delegate, say no and get help at work.

RSD can complicate things.  A workplace day book / log / journal (and reviewing things once a week) can help you to spot whether a challenge / problem a one-off / sometimes / often / always (and the person's intent).

Sometimes, as Autistic people: we can be quick to feel the emotions of others - often more so than for ourselves - however, we might not be the optimal person to problem solve what we have detected.  As Admin Lead; duty of care for others mean it is good to spot troubles brewing - however, sometimes reporting it to an appropriate Manager or HR and asking for their support with the problem solving is part of both safeguarding your own wellbeing and finding the most appropriate person to assist whoever it is who is battling something important potentially beyond your own experience / skillset.

You mentioned money was already tight, that is not a great place from which to launch a job search.

The employment market is contracting currently - and for potential employees in their 50's that is particularly so.

Have a bit of a personal review about things outside of work - routines, habits etc.  Are other people in your life doing their chores and stepping up to sufficiently support you.  Are there any home management tasks which could be tweaked to better support you. 

For instance, in my early 50's it was a really busy time in my career - so I used to meal plan and batch cook at the weekend (slow cooker a helpful piece of equipment - so that on a weekday; I could come home to something home cooked waiting in the fridge and just introduce those meals to the microwave for an easy, budget-conscious, healthy evening meal.  That burden (make dinner) didn't need to be mine each weekday evening at the end of s busy day and long commute.

Think about whether you have kept up to date with healthcare appointments etc.  As people enter their 50's it can be good discipline to check-in with your GP and Pharmacist etc. for something of an M.O.T. - to review your experience of things at the moment and to start to monitor key biological changes which can creep up on us at this busy point in people's lives.  I don't simply mean the basic Health Check conducted by the Nurse.

I am sorry you have felt so uncomfortable that "I've not wanted to go to work for the last 2 weeks" - I feel that is your cue to request a 1:1 with your Line Manager.  Even on a temporary basis - maybe, e.g. your Manager could back you up in dealings with the issues you are experiencing with that other manager in the company.

You don't have to do everything yourself. 

You are not to aim for perfection. 

You are permitted to learn things with your team.

Your manager may lack the observation skills to have noticed your current level of struggles (and our role as Autistic people in that situation can sometimes revolve around our masking tendencies in the workplace).

Hope something within my feedback provides renewed motivation and determination to stay in your current role.

That’s the one. Took me ages to find it the other day but I signed up for an assessment appointment. It’s a start and it might start towards stopping me from actually asking to be demoted lol

Lotus said:

Ask your HR department if counselling is available through your company

HR might call it the "employee assistance programme" (EAP).

My ex manager had adhd amongst other things it could be tough for us all at times but she was really nice tbh and it helped me realise abour my own adhd 

Thank you for these. They are very helpful. I have signed up for the employee counselling service. I'm going to talk to my line manager tomorrow about some courses as I don't see any on the company training portal. I'm starting my Business degree in October and that focuses on leadership. I hope it will be a bit of a distraction form things.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling - I can empathise, as I often struggled when I was working (I'm retired now). 

One organisation I worked at offered a large range of training courses for staff, and I did communication skills and assertiveness skills, which I found helpful. I also did a team leader course and one of the tasks I was given was to ask colleagues for feedback, and although most was positive, one senior manager pointed out that I did not ask those in my team for suggestions.

So perhaps you could try these ideas:

- Ask your HR department if counselling is available through your company, and if not ask if you can have a chat with a member of the HR team about how you are feeling, and about the issues you are having with the other manager and feeling overwhelmed.

- Have a team meeting and ask the members of your team for feedback on how things are going and if they have any suggestions for improvements.

- See if you can do an assertiveness training course. If not, or if it will take a while to arrange, here is a link to some advice about how to become more assertive:

https://productiveprofessional.com/be-more-assertive-at-work/

I hope things work out ok for you.