Did you think you were autistic before someone suggested it?

I had no idea, what autism was, from my mom's words it was supposed to be a mental sickness,  where the person affected does one movement or one noise all tge time and is a genius at math. I've never been genius at math. Making one thing all the time kinda fits me, but its not that obvious,  because it's not doing one sound all the time, it's more complex and it includes creative works or reading book etc.

I feel so deeply different from my peers, that I knew that im different.  For me different,  non standard, means inferior.  Especially,  because I was always slower to pick up on things or could not at all, also clumsiness, awkwardness etc. Made me grow up with self hate, feeling of inferiority and I was long convinced,  that I have a depression since birth. 

I also remember,  that teachers in my primary school suggested to my mom, I might be autistic.  I had selective mutism,  because of overwhelm at school, I usually didn't react when being called, and had a very bad emotional reaction,  when teachers forced me to play with my peers during a break. I still remember it as something traumatic,  I was scared of the noise and chaos they made. 

It didn't come to my mind, that it might be autism,  since I found it accidentally in the Internet.  But I always felt there is something wrong. I was diagnosed multiple times with depression (because of the low self esteem) and also medicated with no success. 

Alien0n3arth said:

I feel so deeply different from my peers, that I knew that im different.

That seems to be the universal experience of Autism. Each of us is Autistic in our own way ... except for that. Is there anyone here who doesn't feel that?

Good question! I think you're right, it's universal autistic experience. I thought my entire life, that there is no one like me in this whole world, although I met few times someone, who seemed a bit similar. For example one colleague at work obsessing over Japanese and Anime. He could talk only about this one the entire break. Others were tired of it, I didn't mind. Just listened, didn't have yo make any small talk, found some occasions to say something about my special interest at that time- Russian. We even invented a word game- I enter tge room, he said something in Japanese. I didn't understand,  so I asked, he translated that to me and then I translated the same word to Russian. He himself shared with me, that he has Asperger syndrome (it was in 2016, but he got diagnosed before) and I remember myself thinking, what kind of syndrome is that, he is perfectly normal! And them I shared with him my tourette (later turned out was wrong diagnosis) and we laughed that we are a company of two with syndromes. I remember thinking how would that be dating him, but was too shy to ask.

I would love to listen to him! It's my interest, I think I would also find space to say something from me.

I would love to listen to him! It's my interest, I think I would also find space to say something from me.