Any advice on how to keep and maintain conversation

How peculiar, I wonder if they are aware or it’s just a natural response? I can certainly see how this type of conversation is not really leading anywhere and dives straight into their interests. I’ve found some people on the spectrum who lack emotional awareness are often like this, engulfed in their own little bubble as if interactions are being done on another level of reality and not the objective one. You’re sort of an interactive tablet screen that they speak at.

This is something that annoys me very much about someone I know who I think is on the edge of narcissistic personality disorder. Anything I relate about myself will either be met "why don't/didn't you just....?" or a story from their life with a superficial similarity will be told back to me immediately and the conversation will then be about them, which is where all conversations with this person will end up. It bugged me so much that it taught me to start noticing when I did something similar and try to stop it happening.

If this is something that autistic people do as well, then I wonder if it's just our brains way of making sense of a story. Spotting patterns and relating it to something that has happened to us. If so, it is the same thing coming from a completely different place.

You know I actually never considered someone may have emotions as they speak unless they are actively crying or showed some real obvious signs.  I should be attentive and focus on how they are in that current moment as if I am a nurse of the soul, I need to try practise this and become better at it, routine at it. 

This is in some of the questionaires.

Do you listen to the other person or are you thinking about what you are going to say.

You can share your experience, but empathise first. You can mention you had something similar, if it seems appropriate, and can appreciate how they feel, but don't go into details unless they ask.

It can sound like they had some issue and you are saying, yeah but everyone has that, see here's my example.

It's a perception issue. This communicating thing is fraught with opportunities for error, no matter how much thought you put into it.

Thanks for that, I’m at a point where I want to put more effort in so I’ll give everything I can a shot. 

Autismman said:

My mind just goes blank and I really rely on them being able to keep igniting the fire before I put it out because of my lack of input.

It sounds like you need to work on your active listening skills ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening ).

You have to exhibit some interest in what they are saying and use this to cue questions about it - not create new topics. The cues make it seem you are interested but in reality it is just a skill to keep the conversation flowing for least effort on your part.

It is something many autists have issues with and why I often say we come across as self centered (even when we aren't) because we don't take the same active role in interacting with the other party.

Keep your questions open ended so it gives the other party room to talk more so it gives you more cues for further avenues and when they feel you have kept your side of the NT conversational social contract then they will ask you something.

To me that is it in a nutshell. It took me years to get well versed in it and frankly I cannot be bothered to do it much anymore, but it does work.

I’ll try remember this next time, I’ll try to seem empathetic to their situation and not compare myself in some way to try seem relatable. I guess it’s thinking about your own thoughts as they speak and not being in the moment, maybe it’s learnt ND social skill that doesn’t reflect well to others and almost seems like you are changing the subject and have forgotten their words/spoken emotions.

It seems they want us to be interested in them / what they have to say (a deemed good approach)

...however,

they may not be so keen on us trying to make ourselves serm interesting to them (believed to be a less successful strategy).

This feature is often not what feels like natural dialogue to us as Autistic people.

You’ve described a lot of how I feel about opening up and letting people in. Getting others to speak about themselves gives the false notion that you are really doing what everyone else does, you are socialising and blending in without being seen or viewed as inept. You hope they don’t see behind the false personality you have set up for this encounter. It’s quite difficult when you’ve had a rough time with past friendships too, you don’t want to lock the friendship door and throw away the key but thinking in black and white comes with this perception that you’ve seen it all before and nothing will be different, you get to the end in your beliefs before the relationship has even started. 

I also used to quiz the other person, it showed I was listening and interested. You kind of assume you are not interesting and don't offer much so they don't know anything about you. This is why you don't build an emotional bond.

Also you are supposed to offer something personal to be a little bit vulnerable. It builds trust and connection. Although initially it can feel uncomfortable.

It also helps to try to say something non-obvious. This can be easy, as I always notice things other people don't. It makes you interesting because you point out things they haven't thought about.

Yeah it’s strange because I would have assumed it was just friendly to give your own account so that you show you understand and have knowledge of what they are explaining, its one to look out for when I next engage with someone. I often find I prefer asking questions when I have the energy to do so in conversations and keep them talking about themselves. I’m more of a “if you ask me” I’ll tell you sort of person with those I am not particularly close to. 

Having watched stuff on YouTube, this seems to be major difference I didn't previously know.

NTs tell you something. If you then relate your similar experience it is not received as confirming you understand their position because you have been through the same. They think it is invalidating their experience. It's like you are turning their story into something about you. It looks self centred and as if you don't care. Where you think it means you really care else you would not be giving them personal info you don't tell other people, which is hard as you don't open up to just anyone. They don't get it.

They want you to say, I sympathise, that must be hard, I can see why it affects you, I'm sorry for you, you'll be ok, I believe in you, you got this. I.e. words of support and empathy.

If I am reading you correctly, it’s not ldeal to relate back a similar experience you yourself have had directly after the speaker has given their account? 

This 2016 TED Talk 11:44 minutes video "Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation" advocates everyone should try to remember four key points for achieving a better conversation;

1) Honesty,

2) Brevity,

3) Clarity and

4) a healthy amount of listening:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1vskiVDwl4

I think one aspect the presenter mentions (7:50 mins - their sixth way - "don't equate your experience with theirs") is potentially particularly difficult for Autistic people to consider avoiding (because it comes naturally within our own Autistic conversation culture - if someone says something ...we can be prone to then sharing something similar within our lived experience to reciprocate - to show we really heard them - to show we cared about what they had just said to us).