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Any advice on how to keep and maintain conversation

Autismman

I’m bad at keeping conversations going and tend to mentally wander or start looking around me. It’s not that I ask because I intend to sharpen my social skills but I ask so that I do not appear quiet or uninterested. I feel bad knowing the other person is having to put all the work in and I can’t think of anything to say. My mind just goes blank and I really rely on them being able to keep igniting the fire before I put it out because of my lack of input. Then I become more self aware that I am not talking and have nothing to say which makes it awkward although it’s not so awkward for me as I don’t mind the silence and thinking time but for others I can not always say this is the case. Keeping a conversation alive is really not a natural ability of mine. So what’s the best way I can fake it till I make it? Thanks 

Parents

  • This 2016 TED Talk 11:44 minutes video "Celeste Headlee: 10 ways to have a better conversation" advocates everyone should try to remember four key points for achieving a better conversation;

    1) Honesty,

    2) Brevity,

    3) Clarity and

    4) a healthy amount of listening:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1vskiVDwl4

    I think one aspect the presenter mentions (7:50 mins - their sixth way - "don't equate your experience with theirs") is potentially particularly difficult for Autistic people to consider avoiding (because it comes naturally within our own Autistic conversation culture - if someone says something ...we can be prone to then sharing something similar within our lived experience to reciprocate - to show we really heard them - to show we cared about what they had just said to us).

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    If I am reading you correctly, it’s not ldeal to relate back a similar experience you yourself have had directly after the speaker has given their account? 

  • in reply to Autismman

    Having watched stuff on YouTube, this seems to be major difference I didn't previously know.

    NTs tell you something. If you then relate your similar experience it is not received as confirming you understand their position because you have been through the same. They think it is invalidating their experience. It's like you are turning their story into something about you. It looks self centred and as if you don't care. Where you think it means you really care else you would not be giving them personal info you don't tell other people, which is hard as you don't open up to just anyone. They don't get it.

    They want you to say, I sympathise, that must be hard, I can see why it affects you, I'm sorry for you, you'll be ok, I believe in you, you got this. I.e. words of support and empathy.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    You know I actually never considered someone may have emotions as they speak unless they are actively crying or showed some real obvious signs.  I should be attentive and focus on how they are in that current moment as if I am a nurse of the soul, I need to try practise this and become better at it, routine at it. 

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  • in reply to Stuart333

    You know I actually never considered someone may have emotions as they speak unless they are actively crying or showed some real obvious signs.  I should be attentive and focus on how they are in that current moment as if I am a nurse of the soul, I need to try practise this and become better at it, routine at it. 

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