Workplace Issues - Communication / Perception

LWS said:

I see through 'leaders' and their false leadership' based on theory lol or notice their use of the tools

This was a galling thing for me in my 2 decades in management. There are so many incompetents there who just know how to play the people game and keep their jobs in spite of being terrible at them.

I was lucky in some of my roles because I got a lot of management training courses and time to apply the skills I learned, bur the single most useful thing was being given a coach to work though the questions and issues I had.

The coach wasn't experienced in the specific issues I wanted to know about (dealing with difficult employees) but was skilled in making me reflect on the issues and talk it out with them. Most of the time I already knew the answers but lacked the confidence to trust in them.

I now work in smal scale property development (residential) and take a very hands on role in renovating old properties which is small enough to be managable and profitable enought to only need me to do it a few months a year which is great for my autism.

Hmmm. You meet all the measurable targets and exceed your team, so you should be in a strong position. You could just carry on as you are. If you weren't diagnosed you would just be considered a bit quirky and it'd be fine as money talks.

Telling people things are bad, won't work, are not optimal, could be done better, is a challenge I have.

I kept pointing out problems but it just gets you labelled as negative. I have suggested better ways but people don't want to hear. Especially if something is someone's baby and they have bought into it. People are slowly seeing what I say is correct as everything pans out as I say. But I am excluded from most stuff now. I used to go way above and beyond but don't bother anymore. I've stopped taking it so seriously. I still get stuff done that no-one wants to do, and most can't do, so just turn up and collect the money. But it's not very fulfilling, but is fairly secure.

Years ago in another job I let one project go wrong, lost millions, I could have stopped it but no one wanted to listen, so I just left it. I used to earn a lot more so appreciate your position trading down. It was forced on me, took a long time to accept, particularly if you lack self esteem and judged yourself by your status (even if I pretended I didn't).

Some people like things to go wrong so they can step in and save it to look good. I always prefer to head things off and have it all run smoothly, but people take you for granted and don't notice you till you are not there. I was always scared of stepping away, trying to make myself indispensable, but actually it is good to sometimes.

I ought to do something new, but changing jobs now is more risky. I wonder whether to have something on the side I can build up, but am struggling with an idea.

I understand where you are coming from but this is a running theme and I do take on-board critism generally and try to make positive changes. Its just feels unjust that I am going above and beyond especially with a very late diagnosis, to improve myself and fit into the world to the point that my personality comes across in the red spectrum rather than where I sit in the blue side of things because I have spent so long trying to adapt my image to be a 'people person' so when they are now holding this against me when they didnt the year prior after having a new Director sounds fishy to me and that they are not taking my autism into account which they should do (I am in management and they have adjusted peoples performance rating because they had some form of family or other difficulty generaly that helps mark their performance up). However, with me i am an extremely high performer buthave to jump through hoops to get 'developing' rather than on target like I always have done.

Thank you for taking the time to write this it is very appreciated.

The first point does make sense as I do have to cement the position and take a stand, at-least so its documented that this is me and my communication. With any discrimination following this then being clearer.

I think this is really a wake up call that I need to look for a less people focused role which is difficult in commercial property and I need to get over the salary factor.

I just really do not know what that 'new' career would revolve around. I really love animals but that would mean a massive reduction in salary and most 'professional' jobs still have a lot of interaction with people.

So I really need to go on a journey to establish what roles could work for me.

I do like your third point but understand this can be mentally overwhelming (I have done Authentic Leadership as a module at uni, and I have also found that 'knowing' the management theory makes it worst for me as an autistic person because I see through 'leaders' and their false leadership' based on theory lol or notice their use of the tools). 

Iain said:

Expect them to work to exclude / diminish and generally try to push you ro fail while staying within the rules.

Be careful not to over interpret things though and start getting paranoid. You don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Criticism is hard to take, especially when trying hard, but even more so when stressed. Even though it is hard, try to be calm and take it constructively. Assume they mean well and see if there is something you could do.

 Allow yourself time to think about it when not stressed. Ask some other people you trust.

LWS said:

the majority of the review centered around my communication, perception and interactions with others.

Is this a big part of your job?

If you are in a senior position then I expect this is the case so these interactions are essential to perform well for your reviews.

LWS said:

I feel that this is being held against me unfairly and does not take into account my autism.

Have you declared your autism to the HR team and your management? Are there any "reasonable accommodation" requested around your interaction with others that they are not following?

LWS said:

I really feel that I cannot win

That was my experience in middle management as an autist. So much of it is about working with other people, influencing those around you, picking up on subtle signs to prevent issues for forming and having a very flexible approach to dealing with difficult situations.

These are frankly incredibly hard to do when you have autistic social and communications issues.

I ended up retiring in my 50s as it was becoming a recurring issue for me.

In terms of how to approach it, I can only say what I would do in your situation

1 - choose a communication style and stick with it. Use my autism diagnosis to say that this is how I am and I have no intention of changing (to force me would be discrimination) so the company better get used to it.

2 - retreat to a role where there communication / interaction is much less required. This sort of "failure" is likely to encourage management to push me out using the subtle tactics they have but at least I would have time to prep for my next move while having a lower stress role.

3 - study up on social interactions, management techniques etc and make it a special interest and give a lot of energy to doing this, making sure the reviews reflect the effort (even if it doesn't give all the results hoped for) and realise the cost mentally will be significant.

My experience is that this only gets worse with age. 

If you don't have one yet, I do strongly recommend working with a psychotherapist to develop coping skills for your autistic traits and ways to make life better for you. It is well worth the investment. 

Once the management start to get you in their crosshairs then my experience (and watching others go through the same thing) is that the end is in sight. Expect them to work to exclude / diminish and generally try to push you ro fail while staying within the rules. If you feel this happening than start to prepare to get another job before it is thrust upon you.

That covered a lot of ground. Hopefully you can find a path that works before things get dark.

It is a difficult one. There are some things that in the workplace we do need to overcome and manage in order for it to work but your workplace also has a duty to support your needs. I think communication, directness/rudeness is a particularly difficult one. Rudeness is subjective. What is rude to one person is perfectly plausible to another. It's something that so often autistic people are baffled by being accused of. I find performance targets surrounding something like this difficult because it's basically telling you your target is to be less autistic which is unfair. At the same time I'm aware that there are certain things that are necessary for the smooth running of a workplace and that other employees feelings count too. Without knowing you or your workplace it's difficult to truly comment on the situation. But the drop in your review is interesting because you were also autistic last year and it apparently wasn't a problem then. Did you question this? How did they respond to you mentioning autism with context to the situation?

Personally, I think you need to speak to your manager about reasonable adjustments. In a previous workplace I managed misunderstandings that were happened by having a plan of going to my line manager first before I addressed anybody about an issue. This way she could help me decide whether it was something that needed raising. If it was a lot of the time she raised on my behalf. Other times she'd coach me through what to say. If there was any misunderstanding/backlash I then had the fall back that I was following my line managers instructions. I wonder whether this would be something that would be useful to you? This way you don't have to mask or retreat into your shell. Just know that you'd have someone to help you navigate it so you don't get it "wrong".