How do you know what you want?

Additional therapy for my emotions is recommended on my assessment report. I was having a break as the last 7 months have been quite a journey.

Stuart333 said:

My issue is almost like which one is the real me. The normal flat one, or the tired emotional one.

It helps to realise that they are ALL you. 

There is no "real" you, just a brain that is influenced by environment, chemicals (food / drink / drugs) and the mental stimulations caused by its own state.

It is perfectly normal for a person to become a grump when they are hungry, a bit of an ogre when angry, a social butterfly when tipsy or a passionate lover when encouraged. 

These are all the same person and each situation is showing facets of that core persona illuminated by the influences at the time.

Mental health issues can also be strong influencers here, especially bipolar for example which can result in the person appearing radically different depending on how their brain is operating on that day.

Stuart333 said:

In most of the therapy sessions I intellectualised everything and showed almost no emotion.

Have you considered making some sessions all about emotions? Talk to the therapist about this if you want as it can be a great way to help you focus on the feelings rather than the intellectual aspects. Expect it to be uncomfortable to start with but I understand it is well worth sticking the course. It worked very well for me.

Once you can be in better contact with emotions then you start to see the influence these have on your behaviours and can make much better informed decisions with this understanding. It can also make you feel much more complete as a person.

These are just my thoughts, you do what is right for you.

I like the comment about scratchy sugar paper :-)

I think this helps illustrate my point.

Do you find it hard to choose something when presented with options?

For example;

1. Would you like a drink
2. Do you want tea or coffee
3. What option to choose from restaurant menus
4. Where to go on holiday
5. What colour to pick for some item 
6. Which book to read
7. What parking space to pick

Some are arbitrary, so there is no way to pick one based on logic (parking space), others require some preference, others require choosing between things of equal value, or where you don't have enough info to make a choice.

I have an issue every lunchtime at work.

Also, too many options can be quite hard.

I think this is part of the preference for routine. It saves having to choose.

I am minded of the story that Einstein had multiple examples of the same clothes. When I first heard that I instantly got it, but the others in my class thought it was strange.

I think without an emotional response, or at least one that registers, you have to expend mental effort to find a basis for a decision.

When younger I sometimes used to just flip a coin. Although often I would then want the opposite option, which suggests there is some level of preference coming from somewhere.

I thought the root cause was an executive functioning problem, but I think it's more related to emotions or feelings.

This "what are you feeling" - which usually seems to imply the space between first impression (not much, if anything and difficult to describe) through to tired / overwhelm (so much it still defies coherent description) - causes me big issues both in healthcare settings and personal relationships.

My brain cognitively, rationally and verbal reasoning-wise understands the intent and mechanics of the feelings wheel; and yet it is not accessible to me.

I do have a bit better fortune using a Feelings List - but it still feels like an exam with the syllabus teaching, revision and cramming all skipped.

My absolute hate: those questionnaires variously called things like "Wellbeing" / "Warwick" / "ReQol" - asking about your emotions, self-worth and so forth over the last week or two. 

Has anyone devised one suitable for Autistic Alexithymia people - instead of those hackneyed re-traumatising things?

The eco-NHS loves to print those things on scratchy beige sugar-paper ...which I don't even physically want to have to touch from a sensory perspective.

Add to our spicy mix dyslexia and you have one grumpy bunny before "the session" even begins (there must be a PhD thesis of some merit in amongst that conundrum?).

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/the-feelings-wheel/

I don't have any nicotine, no sugary drinks, snacks or foods, I don't have sugar in tea, minimal caffeine, and alcohol is not excessive. I only mentioned it as it is interesting the main effect is after it has left my system.

I don't feel that much most of the time, just neutral. That's why I said it's like there is a filter and the setting is too high.

My issue is almost like which one is the real me. The normal flat one, or the tired emotional one. Tiredness does not always do it. 

Is the tiredness lowering the filter so I feel the real me, i.e.i can't intellectualise and mask stuff, or is it creating stuff that is not real. Or is it a trauma or some other response, or some manifestation of alexithymia, or some kind of schizophrenia. I 

In most of the therapy sessions I intellectualised everything and showed almost no emotion. I wanted to but I couldn't. They were always in the morning and the feelings come later in the day. It's strange. Same in the assessment meetings. One of the questions when I first sought a psychologist was why are my emotions battened down so tight.

I don't know the answer. I'm not sure how to tell.

I just wondered if anyone else felt anything similar, even if not it might be interesting.

This is partly why I am drifting. It could all be hormonal too, we'll see what the blood tests show. Nervous system disregulation affects your endocrine system..

Stuart333 said:

Without consistent emotions I find it hard to know what to do

Alcohol acts to lower your natural inhbitions and can enable the emotions to be more accessible, but it also acts as a depressant which will often put a negative perspectiive on this, plus it can also reduce your ability to control impulses so you can act on the feelings without thinking things through properly.

It would be wise to avoid stimulants and depressants while working on your emotions I think, so greatly reduce alcohol, caffaine, sugars, nicotine etc

Your psychotherapist should be able to help you with building the connections with your emotions using the tools like the emotions wheel and others to build your confidence in what you are feeling.

It can be a frustrating and challenging process, especially if you don't like change but I found it made me a lot more self confident and feeling a more complete person as a result of doing so.