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Feeling like an alien.

Roy

A month has passed now since I was diagnosed as autistic,  I just feel totally lost, I know it often comes up that autistic people feel like aliens in this world, I can honestly say I don’t feel part of  this world at all, I don’t feel I ever have. I spend less and less time with people, they are too hard to navigate and seem cruel most of the time 

I seem to have no emotions, I feel neither happy or sad, I just seem to exist. I got into trouble with a family member at the weekend for not showing empathy over an event. Am I supposed to make up emotions to please others, Is this all part of the mask?

Sorry, just venting.

  • in reply to Roy

    I very nearly did listen to someone 30 years ago but was too scared. I can't shake the idea I've messed my life up, even though things were very different then. 

    I am trying to find them to talk. They knew me better than I knew myself. Odds are not great though.

  • I feel you. I really do. It's so hard to explain but I get that sense that I don't belong and I'm just existing not living. Things are better since my diagnosis but it's still a case of feeling like an outsider, kind of like being a ghost I'm here but no one sees me and I'm watching the world go by.

    I've always felt like an alien as well. I feel more validation since being diagnosed but I still feel like I'm trying to process it all.

    Sorry I can't be more helpful here with this but I wanted to let you know you definitely aren't alone in feeling like this.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you for replying, most definitely, I would love to go back 30 years and have a word with the younger me. I’m not sure wether he would listen though. One of the stages of grief is acceptance, in one way my diagnosis answered a lot of questions for me, but I still feel like an imposter. Most here are massive book  readers, I’ve read two books in my entire life, it was explained at my assessment that I probably have dyslexia and a processing disorder, it doesn’t stop me just feeling stupid. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

    Im trying to get back into my classic car work, the flame just hasn’t reignited yet, I’m sure it will.

  • I know the feeling, Roy. I get up, brush my teeth, look at the alien in the mirror, and then put on my human suit for the day...again.

    That deep apathy and emotional numbness, a sense of having lost your place in the world and of a future that will always be just more of the same is something I associate personally with depression. I was like that for most of last year, but I'm feeling a lot better now. It comes and it goes. I just have to find a way to hang on and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    So, hang in there. It's not your fault that other people are cruel or don't try to understand that you're a little bit different. They don't get to tell you who you must be or how you must conform to what they've decided is "normal". (At least that's what I'm going to tell the next family member that tells me yet again that I'm doing life wrong.)

    Maybe have a chat with your GP. If you're depressed, it could be quite treatable, and it should pass in time with the right support behind you. Or, maybe find a local Autistic space where you can meet others who will have better things to do than judge you (e.g., infodumping about trains). I'm guessing that NAS can hook you up with that.

    Speaking of infodumping, what's your passion, Roy?

  • I wrote lots and changed my mind.

    The solution is to find a purpose, it could be work, hobby, church, personal life, writing a book, painting, etc.

    Life seems to be about distracting yourself so you don't think too much.

    Find a distraction, get tired, don't think about yourself. This is all I have. 

    If you can, focus on others, if you have anyone and if you don't wind them up too much.

    I want to turn the clock back 30 years but I can't. I either have to come to terms with that or give up. For me it has all been hollow. Maybe there is no substance.

  • Hey Roy, I get ya. I feel exactly the same, I've struggled to put it into words myself, as I find it  difficult to explain......... Just nothing........ emptiness....... without any purpose.

    It's difficult.