Comments or feedback needed

For decades I have had patterns of overworking, and being driven by the mindset of work being the only possible way to live my life. Then I hit a metaphorical brick wall. Burnout is no joke, and its taken a lot of work to realise that I now need to take the time to recover and heal. Sadly, my mind is still swirling with guilt over not working. It's still swamped with so many negative thoughts that I'm lazy, ignorant or suchlike for being too ill to work.

It's been two years now since I've been able to 'properly' work. I've entered counselling and therapy but still am struggling.

A big mistake I keep making is to do everything I've been putting off on the good days. Sadly, this means I have a refraction period of bad days where my energy, motivation, and pain levels are so high that they interfere with my ability to do stuff. Basically, I'm having trouble identifying my natural rhythms of good and bad days then plan accordingly.

I wish I could tell you why some people's brains work this way, but you're not alone. I too am late diagnosed autistic (6 months ago at the age of 38).

My best advice would be to take it seriously. Try to work out what relaxes or soothes you. Try not to overdo things on your 'good' days (yes this is hypocritical I know, but I'm trying).

You're welcome.

It is strange, I have been confused and unable to talk about stuff for more than a quarter of a century, filled with guilt and shame, then over the space of a few weeks it is like a switch has been thrown. Now I can say things fairly easily.

It has not stopped the looping thoughts and sadness at what could have been, yet.

There might be something I can do about that. We'll see.

Anyway the key point to learn is don't bottle stuff up. No matter how hard, don't lose as much time as I did. Say whatever is the most scary, shameful, guilty thoughts you have to someone, preferably a psychologist, who won't judge and will help you to understand and get things on perspective. This will help you to process your thoughts which helps enormously.

Pride, shame, fear, guilt, worry are all things that ultimately just hold you back.

Thank you for sharing your story on here I appreciate it can be hard to open up to a stranger the advise you have given I will take forward 

I went to see a psychologist to help resolve some of it, which is what I think was driving the PTSD, which was buried but comes out when I'm close to burn out.

I also tried to reduce stress, changed diet, cut out alcohol and  caffeine, took vitamins, did some exercise, or a few months. Work has also been less pressurised.

I am not sure which bit helped the most. Lighter days helped along with more sun, last autumn was especially gloomy, as did talking more. Focussing on myself for the first time ever too, and a realisation that work is not more important than my health.

Taking control of some small things also helped, e.g. resolving passport, sorting out some paperwork.

I documented everything, to try to get clarity of my thoughts and past. I wrote many many pages.

I spent 20-40 hrs a week on trying to understand my past and myself, reading and watching stuff on relationships, autism, and problems. It has been a new special interest. It has interfered with work.

I also took some blood tests, which confirmed some hormone issues which I need to follow up, while other things were ok, and a MRI to put my mind a rest over something I was worried about for a long time. I also changed my car for something comfy and quiet that will be less of a financial drain and is less simulating.

There are interlinked things and separating them is not easy, Inc. possible past emotional abuse. Lack of sleep is a big problem.

I have done a lot over the last 5 months. I have also spent £4k privately on health. I needed this confusion from the last 30 years resolved. Will know in 8 days. They may say I don't have ASD, I was too good on the frog book I think, but they have said they will give me some feedback to help if the answer is no

I can't tell, I think it is not too obvious, but I can't see myself from outside. 

With regards to the dysfunctional thinking did you get help turning it around ??

Doctors don't sign people off for nothing.

I have been close a couple of times but wanted to keep the routine of going to work. Changes are harder when overloaded/burnt out. I didn't show much externally, it am not sure many could tell save for my output dropped. But that just put it closer to other people rather than more. However sleep and personal life collapsed, and I had executive functioning issues.

You may feel insecure and be worried about your job. You may derive meaning and purpose from work. It is also a source of money which is always a consideration.

If your work is a special interest it will also be hard to stop.

The problem is the dysfunctional thinking, which is hard to recognise while you are in it. My subconscious served up all sorts of fears, looping on them, replaying the past endlessly.

It is hard when your conscious and subconscious disagree. You end up confused about what to believe. Might also be sleep issues affecting this.

It is also hard to know when you are better. I just feel better each week but I never know what the end point is.

It is best to try and keep a routine, eat properly, sleep well, take naps if you need them, get some fresh air, try to do something you enjoy and don't feel guilty.

Thank you for sharing your story and your kind words 

Thank you for your kind words 

I’ve been through something very similar, was suffering for many years with low mood and anxiety. Not understanding why really and then suddenly discovering autism. It blew me away and led to I suppose a burn out or something similar. I’ve been off work since Feb after working pretty much non stop since being 19 now 53. 
In my case, I did feel very bad at first and guilty about not working but have managed to come around to thinking that I need to get better. Going back is going to really set me back and I’m lucky to be able to support myself financially if I don’t go back…I’ve never been very kind on myself but that’s what I’ve been trying to do better at. That and not being in a hurry. Good luck and hope things sort themselves out

I'm not sure if this is just something that happens to autistic people. Most of us are conditioned to think that we should be working and people often feel guilty about taking time off, even if they are very unwell. But you need to keep reminding yourself that you have been signed off, which means that a doctor has decided you are not fit to work at the moment, so you should not be at work.

It's important to think about things you can do to help you get better and take your mind off these thoughts. Try to keep to a routine of getting up at a certain time, having a shower, doing household chores, going for a short walk each day, and doing things you enjoy like listening to music, reading, doing puzzles - whatever gets you engrossed in something and those negative thoughts switched off.

And as they say - "this too shall pass" - it's a temporary situation and you will go back to work once you are better. Take care of yourself.