The emotional side of helping children with special needs: how do you cope when you can’t do it all?

Yes  - I agree Lina-chan. No one exists in a vacuum - and in some cultures and societies there is a lot of negativity and discrimination against things like disability and homosexuality etc - so it’s important to recognise that. People can be heavily influenced by the society and culture they have grown up in - and not everyone has the capacity to challenge the dominant narratives within their environment. Judging the parents does not help those children - whereas offering education and support (and remaining compassionate in the process) is a much better way to improve the situation. 

Dear Bananatropics26,

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You may want to look at the National Autistic Society's What is Autism? webpage: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism 

They explain 'Why some people are autistic?':  

Evidence suggests that autism is genetic. Scientists have been attempting to identify which genes mean someone is autistic. It is likely that there are multiple genes rather than a single gene. 

There is no link between autism and vaccines. A lot of research has focused on this over many years and the results show that vaccines do not cause autism. 

Autistic people are autistic for their whole life. There is no evidence that autism can be acquired. For example, autism is not caused by parenting style. And an autistic person cannot become non-autistic. Read more about this on our page Warning: So-called cures and dodgy interventions.

Kind Regards,

Rosie Mod

You have the most eloquent way with words. Thank you for bringing some much needed reality and compassion to this thread. 

That is a beautifuly expressed, very kind and understanding post.

No, dear, let’s not be too quick to place all the blame on the parents. We need to remember that many parents of children with special needs carry an invisible burden, a deep and silent pain of seeing their child in a condition they never imagined or wished for. That pain often runs so deep, it can be heavier than what the child themselves might feel.

These parents walk through life with aching hearts, often filled with guilt, confusion, and helplessness. And while some may seem distant or withdrawn, it’s not because they don’t love their child, it’s because they’re overwhelmed by emotions they don’t know how to express or manage.

We must also accept that not all hearts are built the same. Some people have a harder time coping with such unexpected realities, especially when they lack the proper emotional support or counseling. Without that help, some may retreat or struggle to accept their child’s condition, not out of hatred, but from the sheer weight of sorrow they carry alone.

So instead of judging, let’s choose compassion. Let’s acknowledge their pain, walk beside them, and offer understanding and support. Because healing begins not in blame, but in empathy.

Your parents did not cause your autism. There is some evidence of a genetic link with autism, but no parent can cause autism. 

Oh by the way! Maybe if these parents spent more time loving Thier kids then they wouldn't have half the problems they seem to complain about! Some has to say this. Because people can't keep flashing the disabled card every 2 mins and say 'these kids are un managebale' because they certainly are not. These parents are choosing to view they're kids as the enemy here. This is not acceptable!

I don’t have experience of caring for children or adults with autism or cerebral palsy, so I am sorry that I can’t share any learning or observations with you.

My heart goes out to everyone affected by negative attitudes towards autistic children and adults, and to those with cerebral palsy. I can only imagine how terrible it is for everyone involved.

All human beings are worthy of equal dignity, no matter their differences and disabilities. 

I can understand where you are coming from re: 3rd world countries, although I was born in UK, my family are from the Caribbean - autism isn't received very well. In Jamaica for example, if your child has a disability, parents are either in denial, accuse the child of having something wrong with them or the child goes to a mental institution.

With black families in general most of them are very ignorant about disabilities (I know from experience with my extended family) and would prefer not to deal with the situation. Their idea of parenting often involves hiding certain issues and this is one of the reasons why I hate being black to be honest. I was lucky to have supportive parents who actually fought to get me the support I needed when being diagnosed with autism at 2 - however not everyone is lucky.

That must be so incredibly hard for the mothers and children to be stigmatised in that way - isn’t it extraordinary that this is still happening in the 21st century? For any child and mother to abandoned by the father for such a reason must be truly horrendous for them both. No one exists in a vacuum and sometimes the environment we are in and the collective mindset can make life so very much harder than it needs to be. It’s wonderful that you are supporting these women and children - I hope you can help them to fight the stigma and feel truly proud of their beautiful children. 

Thank you so much, Kate.

Your words have truly given me something to learn and even answered some of the questions I’ve silently carried in my heart. I’ll be honest in the beginning, I sometimes blamed the parents too. I used to wonder if maybe they didn’t love their children enough. But the more I walked alongside them, the more I began to understand.

It’s not that they don’t care it’s that the community around them often makes things unbearable.
I come from a third world country where people still know very little about autism or cerebral palsy. When a child shows signs of these conditions, many are quick to judge. They say the child is or mother is cursed, that it’s a punishment to a mother may be for doing something wrong, or even the result of witchcraft.

Around 80% of the mothers I meet have been abandoned by their partners left to raise these children alone. And even when they try to find love again, once a man discovers the child has a disability, he also walks away. So many of our mothers carry the weight of rejection, shame, and loneliness.

What’s worse is that our government has done to nothing to raise awareness or fight the stigma. That’s why we see so much pain and misunderstanding.

So again, thank you for reminding me that every child is unique, every child has value.

No child is ‘like the others’ essentially. That’s how I think about it - every child is unique and every child has immense value and potential in a multitude of ways. What and who  are we measuring our children against anyway? And why? If we stop comparing and simply focus on the wonderful qualities our children have we can free ourselves of so much negativity and worry. 
When my youngest son started primary school lots of problems emerged because he could not thrive in that environment ( in fact he could talk at all in that environment) and what slowly developed was the realisation that the school were not going to provide my son with the help he needed. And therefore in time it became a battle between myself and the school where I had to constantly work on my child’s behalf to get him the help he needed. It wasn’t my son being autistic that was ‘the problem’ - the problem was schools and staff from the LA ( even CAMHS) who quite frankly didn’t know what they were doing, or didn’t want to help my son in a way that could enable him to be happy and thrive in the school environment. Dealing with the school was exhausting much of the time - and caused our whole family so much stress. It didn’t have to be this way - but sadly schools so often failed my son and made him feel deeply unhappy and lonely in school. 

There is nothing ‘wrong’ with either of my children (they both have an autism diagnosis). They’re both wonderful, beautiful human beings who I wouldn't change for the world. I couldn’t ask for more wonderful children - they are the greatest blessing in my life by FAR. 
Reading your post I felt very sad that some parents are feeling this way - possibly influenced by negative influences that they’ve unwittingly absorbed from the society around them.