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Struggling with loneliness

AutisticScot

I’m a Scottish guy in my 30s diagnosed with autism. For a while now I’ve been struggling with feelings of loneliness and not being able to connect with other people. I am self employed and work on my own and so I don’t really have much interaction with other people, which most of the time is a good thing as I always felt overwhelmed by people’s social expectations in my old job.

However I have come to realise that I am actually a social person, but I need the right kind of interaction with people to feel the benefit of it. Ideally where I don’t need to mask and can talk about my interests.

I have a partner but I feel lonely still because I don’t really feel I can be my true self around them without upsetting them. And with my interests and hobbies being quite niche it’s hard for me to connect with other people. Sometimes I see people in the street that I feel like I could be friends with and I wish I could just go up to them and say “hey do you like X” and see if we have anything in common but I don’t have the balls honestly.

The thing I worry about is that on the rare occasions that people show me interest is that I tend to latch on and crave their attention. Then I am worried about freaking them out by being too intense so I withdraw and the relationship doesn’t develop the way I would have wanted.

I crave so much to have that best friend that I can share everything with and who is always keen to talk to me. But I guess that’s probably something that only exists for NTs and not people like me.

I don’t know why I’m writing this post really but it just feels good to vent.

  • Hey matey! Having just read your post I just want to say that I completely understand what you mean. As a married fella in his forties that's just recently been offically identified as Autistic, I've never had a best friend that understood me. My wife is fantastic, I love her to bits and she's very ND affirming but even she doesn't always get where I'm coming from with things, as she's NT. I sometimes worry about talking at her rather than to her as she's states I can get really intense when in full flow on a subject of interest. I therefore find myself censoring myself which then leads to feeling like no one cares or that I'm boring and annoying. All I can say is that we are getting better with this and direct, honest conversation is paramount. If there is the ability to do this between you respectfully and with dignity, then there is room for your relationship to develop and blossom.

    I recently read an article regarding low demand connections which suggests that as NDs that struggle with social connections, we can look to other things such as nature, hobbies, pets or other elements that give us a sense of connection to the world. Not only that, but you can define the scope of that connection, be it with other people, animals, the world or even yourself.  If you're interested, I'll post the article URL.

    So you say your special interests are niche. Do you mind me asking what they are? No bother if you do, just curious!

    Right well I think I've typed enough here for you to think I'm an absolute nutter and run away! Feel free to respond if you wish and if not, all the best for the future bud!

  • Fellow scot here.

    I know the feeling you describe. I feel the loneliness at times and crave social contact but that really drains me. I was never any good at making friends either. I wish I could offer you a brighter picture but alas from my experience I can't.

    Is there an autism support group near you. Could be a good place to start. I know Scotland is particularly pish at autism support for adults but there are a few. 

  • Hi and welcome to the community! Slight smile

    In addition to hopefully enjoying this community and making some connections here, you might also find it helpful, as a starting point, to read the advice in these articles:

    NAS - Loneliness - includes links to examples of some other autistic people's experiences of loneliness and how they cope.

    NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

    In terms of some more specific, practical suggestions:

    You could ask your GP for a referral to a social prescriber (I've just had my own initial appointment, due to being socially isolated and lonely myself). The prescriber's /  link worker's role is to work with you, potentially over several sessions, to develop a personalised care and support plan that meets your practical, social and emotional needs. The explanatory article below is from NHS England, but the same model operates throughout the UK, including in Scotland:

    NHS England - Social prescribing

    You might be able to find some socialising opportunities via the the NAS's directory - whether through a local NAS branch, or other types of support group or social programmes:

    NAS - Autism Services Directory

    NAS - Branches

    You might be able to find some local groups that fit with your interests and hobbies by searching on Facebook and/or Google.