Accepting your own Autism

Regret for things done, or not done, in the past is normal for everyone.

You can't control the past, but you can shape your future.

I don't think there is value in not accepting who you are. Accepting it does not mean you need to be limited or held back though. You may want to refine your goals. Check that what you think you want is what you actually want. A simple example, you might think you want to be a rock star but think there no way you are extrovert enough, but when you think of he the lifestyle and what it is really like, realise you don't really want it.

Knowing your strengths and weaknesses means you can spot problems and avoid or compensate for them. This will make you more successful. You can't remove certain traits but you can find ways to work around them, even if it means being creative or asking for help.

You can get stuck in looping negative thoughts and tell yourself you can't do things. By careful about this, it will not help you.

The hardest part is knowing what you want. I struggle with this the most. 

My autism is, to me, just like the shape of my nose, the quality of my hair, or my height: just some fact about me I'd change if I could.

Here I don’t recall anyone treating me bad or laughing at me for whatever reason and I also do my best to never hurt anyone. I don’t know maybe I’m weird, but for me it would be not only stupid but also immoral to make fun of someone’s struggles. It’s lack of compassion. I know that there are issues with empathy- at the real time, like for example not offering to comfort someone- that’s me, I can’t do it, long time I had even no idea that I should do it, but making fun of someone’s struggles to me looks more like narcissism. 

Yes - I find this community to be so welcoming and supportive. I really value it. 

Please don’t think of them as ‘self inflicted’. You’ve been doing your best, you’ve had to struggle as best you can dealing with many challenges. I’ve felt pretty crap about myself for much of my life - and I realise now I didn’t deserve that. You don’t either. It’s so important that we be kind to ourselves. You’re not alone. I don’t know how old you are, I was diagnosed in my fifties, my youngest was diagnosed at about 10 years old and my eldest in his twenties. I’m so proud of my children and I’m gradually learning to extend that attitude to myself too - because I’ve found life so difficult at times but I’ve always tried my best to be a good person and to achieve what I could in a world that felt quite alien to me in many ways. This community on here is so wonderful and supportive- I’m so glad you’ve come on here to connect with other autistic people. You are very welcome here  - we do have a ‘tribe’ - and it’s a very wonderful tribe! 

Alien0n3arth said:

But seeing how some autistic people treat me on the German forum… I’m not sure if I want to join any group.

Ohh, that’s really sad to hear. But I’m glad to hear you’re treated better on this forum.

It’s good that your therapist advised you to come here, so welcome to the community. I’m not diagnosed, only suspected and I can say self realised, with ongoing therapy, my therapist picked up on my autistic traits very quickly although I didn’t me to on it at all. In fact my teachers at school told my mom they suspect me autistic, but she denied that. My experience is different. I’ve never despised anyone, I felt much safer with other children with disabilities (although I had no idea I might have a mild disability too) I often thought of myself that I’m a bit disabled, but others don’t see it and that’s why nobody understands or supports me, which made me somehow sad. I often asked myself and my mom, why I’m so different, what’s wrong with me, who I would be if I was like others etc. I wanted to be someone else. I remember I preferred playing together with my severely disabled cousin with cerebral palsy, I was 8 she was 18 but mentally like 3-4 year old. I preferred playing with her than with healthy kids on the playground. I think the reason is that because I felt safe- I knew she wouldn’t bully me and because I could have control over the play. We played kitchen and cooking. I also had some little contact to ND kids throughout my childhood and I only remember one girl who talked waaay too much caused me extreme exhaustion and fatigue and I had to avoid her. I felt kind of guilty because she really wanted to spend time with me but I couldn’t. My brain shook because of her talking and I only remember I saw her never closing mouth. It felt like a torture. So yes, sometimes ND+ND is absolutely not a good match but I also remember enjoying being somehow closer to other aspies, although I myself didn’t know I myself might be… I felt somehow that they are like me. Now there is probably a long way to getting diagnosis if I get it at all. I need it to be able to join local support group. But seeing how some autistic people treat me on the German forum… I’m not sure if I want to join any group. This forum is best so far. 
Not knowing, what’s going on might be a bit “helpful” because you push yourself to the maximum to be like others and to achieve etc. on the other hand it’s exhausting and causes depression, fatigue, burnout, also self hearted, because no matter how much you try, you will never be like others. I graduated logistics, I have skills like ms office, AutoCAD, SAP, also photoshop and other graphic programs (it was special interest) I speak 3 foreign languages (including English) and I work part time in a warehouse. That’s my absolute maximum, communication is draining I can’t drive a car and other issues. Learning about autism and to understand myself helps me a bit to not hate myself so much but I still often find myself being too harsh on myself.

Yeah! Sounds like what I’ve dealt with. So what’s worked best for me in the past is just TUMS antacids. It didn’t fully fix the problem, but it would at least lessen the discomfort. Unfortunately, I’m guessing that’s exactly what your GP recommended.

Thankfully over time it passes for me, but usually when it happens it’s like a month of it hitting in waves.

I've also been diagnosed with "possible GERD". It feels like there's just this uncomfortable presence in my stomach and I'm constantly burping (and when I get particularly stressed, it feels like it ripples across my gut). If this is similar to what you've experienced, are there any medicines you recommend? The ones my GP have repeatedly prescribed have been quite ineffective.

No problem! I wish you best of luck with your book!

As for the stomach condition, sorry buddy. I think stomach problems are strangely common with neurodivergents. Every so often I get GERD-like symptoms and everything feels just so much more stressful when your gut is inexplicably in pain. I’d recommend talking to your GP about that (though from my experience my GP often disregarded my stomach pains ) to see if there is any way to alleviate that.

I advance this as merely a possible interpretation. Perhaps it is not your autistic status, or your inability to embrace it, as such that you are having difficulty with, but that you have used your autism label as a 'get out of jail free' card. If you are autistic you cannot be expected to achieve socially, academically etc., so you have set yourself up for, and accepted, failure. It may be this that is causing you to experience difficulties about self worth.

I had the advantage, if it is one, of a very late diagnosis. While I have suffered because I did not know how I was different from the mainstream, I have always tried by utmost not to let my difficulties hold me back from achieving what I wanted to achieve. I had no label that absolved me from anything.

Thank you for your words. What you say about creativity does ring home with me: I'm currently writing a book that I'm most of the way done with. And I like to imagine that I am mostly empathetic in nature.

I suppose it will just take some time to accept these qualities for what they are and to accept myself as well. It doesn't help that I've been suffering from some kind of stomach condition for the past few months that only exasperates my levels of stress, but I'll try to incorporate your advice and position. I think I definitely need to learn to be kinder to myself.

I get what you’re saying. One thing that might help is to consider these potential positive traits of Autism:

1. You may be able to see the world in a different light than most. For some of us, this manifests as creativity (ex. I write remixes of music, which reimagines the original intent of others’ music). For others, this could simply mean that you can see problems from a unique perspective than most neurotypicals can. Greta Thunberg is a good example of that.

2. You can have aversions to different senses, but it’s also possible to experience intensely positive sensations as well. Ex. I can’t stand smoke and literally cannot sit by a bonfire without feeling horrible, but colored lights such as lava lamps fill me with a deep, inexplicable joy and sense of ease.

3. Empathy. Even if you have a history of disliking other neurodivergents, you are in a position where you can understand the struggles others with disabilities go through more than most people. Some of us struggle with empathy, true, but others of us experience immense empathy for others like us.

There may be others, but I think those are the three core ideas that I take to heart every day.

profdanger said:

If you become more comfortable with your own Autism, it should be easier for you to stand being around others who are also neurodiverse.

You see that's the problem; how do I become comfortable with my own autism? Both yourself and katniss27 talk about how things became a lot easier after your diagnosis; from my perspective, a lot of my troubles started after my diagnosis, and it has felt like a millstone around my neck ever since - the thing I can blame when things go wrong, the part of myself I need to "ignore" or "overcome" in order to integrate into a "normal" society.

It's one thing to "know" that I have autism and that the myriad problems I have with stress and social interaction can be traced back to it; it's another to "accept" that and not be ashamed of it, which is the part I'm struggling with.

Welcome FlyByNight! That’s great advice from your therapist, kudos to them.

ASD/ADHDer here diagnosed late in life, so my experience is a bit different. But I’ve hated myself for the myriad stupid social mistakes I’ve made in life. Being diagnosed with Autism actually helped me to come to terms with my mistakes quite a lot, mostly because I have found a community of people who have had similar experiences.

FlyByNight said:

other neurodivergent children, who I despised

You’d be surprised how common that experience is. I feel like there were many times in my childhood I avoided people who were obviously on the spectrum, and it may have been in part because I was afraid I was not too different. To this day - even though I now work with people with disabilities for a living - I still sometimes have difficulty communicating with others that also have communication issues. Dr. Devon Price in his book “Unmasking Autism” also recounted a similar experience where he despised others on the spectrum during his high school years.

That can change though. I’ve changed and Dr. Devon Price changed. If you become more comfortable with your own Autism, it should be easier for you to stand being around others who are also neurodiverse.

Thank you for this message. The trouble is, while I can understand that there's nothing to be ashamed of, I know it'll take some time to actually accept such a viewpoint. Was there anything you specifically did that helped bring about that acceptance, or ways you changed your POV, that helped?

I understand how you feel. Before I knew I was autistic, I had a very very difficult time accepting that I struggled with communication, sensory difficulties, and would be perceived as childish and sensitive if I behaved like my true self. For years I felt I couldn't make friends with other autistic people because I saw in them the traits I despised in myself. It took a lot of work to start to accept myself. I learned that I am autistic and that I cannot change these things about myself, but also that they are not inherently bad. The mad pride and disability pride movements online had a big hand in that. I realized there is nothing shameful or weak about needing help for certain things that my brain cannot do on its own. No shame in taking psychiatric medication, no shame in needing therapy, no shame in being bad at making friends, no shame in acting childish and having childish interests, no shame in talking about my interests. No shame in being autistic. I know this is hard to believe when you're stuck in a loop of hating yourself for this, but I hope by working with your therapist, you'll learn to accept that who you are is beautiful, complex, and good, not in spite of being autistic, but because of it.