Hello, completely new here, was recommended this place on the advice of my therapist.
I am currently dealing with severe emotional turmoil that leaves me shaking which, I believe, is centred in self-loathing due to my autism (and, by extension, PDA). I was diagnosed with autism at a young age and, although I always knew I was different in some way to others, I don't think I fully understand just how much. I went to a boarding school that had terrible resources for children with special needs and was ultimately expelled by the headmaster (but not before numerous traumatic incidents, including being locked in a room until I calmed down). I then went to another boarding school for children with special needs (including many with ADHD and autism) in which I recognised many of my own issues in the other children (including severe anger no doubt rooted in stress). I hated that school and, by extension, many of the other children.
I eventually qualified with a handful of GCSEs and went to a normal college, intent on hiding my autism. I greatly enjoyed the lessons taught there but, after the first term, I felt colossal anxiety on returning after the holidays. I ultimately chose not to go back and dropped out, a decision I have always regretted (but some part of me understands was for the best and not my fault).
More than 10 years later, I have an extremely small social circle (including no close friends). I can recognise I am autistic. But I hate that I am. The idea that the only place I succeeded in life was the place filled with other neurodivergent children, who I despised, and the idea that I failed with every attempt at making my way into the "real world", leaves me feeling despondent with a level of self-hatred. I believe a lot of this has to do with an inability, if not downright refusal, to understand and accept my own autism. Part of this may be due to not having any sort of connection with other people on the spectrum.
So, I'm reaching out, hoping to find likeminded individuals who can relate and perhaps help with alleviating some of these stresses that I'm living with. Part of me feels they're self-inflicted. Part of me feels that they're natural for someone like me. In either case, it makes me angry that I cannot "overcome" them, even though, logically, such a thing is likely impossible.
