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Accepting your own Autism

FlyByNight

Hello, completely new here, was recommended this place on the advice of my therapist.

I am currently dealing with severe emotional turmoil that leaves me shaking which, I believe, is centred in self-loathing due to my autism (and, by extension, PDA). I was diagnosed with autism at a young age and, although I always knew I was different in some way to others, I don't think I fully understand just how much. I went to a boarding school that had terrible resources for children with special needs and was ultimately expelled by the headmaster (but not before numerous traumatic incidents, including being locked in a room until I calmed down). I then went to another boarding school for children with special needs (including many with ADHD and autism) in which I recognised many of my own issues in the other children (including severe anger no doubt rooted in stress). I hated that school and, by extension, many of the other children.

I eventually qualified with a handful of GCSEs and went to a normal college, intent on hiding my autism. I greatly enjoyed the lessons taught there but, after the first term, I felt colossal anxiety on returning after the holidays. I ultimately chose not to go back and dropped out, a decision I have always regretted (but some part of me understands was for the best and not my fault).

More than 10 years later, I have an extremely small social circle (including no close friends). I can recognise I am autistic. But I hate that I am. The idea that the only place I succeeded in life was the place filled with other neurodivergent children, who I despised, and the idea that I failed with every attempt at making my way into the "real world", leaves me feeling despondent with a level of self-hatred. I believe a lot of this has to do with an inability, if not downright refusal, to understand and accept my own autism. Part of this may be due to not having any sort of connection with other people on the spectrum.

So, I'm reaching out, hoping to find likeminded individuals who can relate and perhaps help with alleviating some of these stresses that I'm living with. Part of me feels they're self-inflicted. Part of me feels that they're natural for someone like me. In either case, it makes me angry that I cannot "overcome" them, even though, logically, such a thing is likely impossible.

Parents

  • Welcome FlyByNight! That’s great advice from your therapist, kudos to them.

    ASD/ADHDer here diagnosed late in life, so my experience is a bit different. But I’ve hated myself for the myriad stupid social mistakes I’ve made in life. Being diagnosed with Autism actually helped me to come to terms with my mistakes quite a lot, mostly because I have found a community of people who have had similar experiences.

    FlyByNight said:
    other neurodivergent children, who I despised

    You’d be surprised how common that experience is. I feel like there were many times in my childhood I avoided people who were obviously on the spectrum, and it may have been in part because I was afraid I was not too different. To this day - even though I now work with people with disabilities for a living - I still sometimes have difficulty communicating with others that also have communication issues. Dr. Devon Price in his book “Unmasking Autism” also recounted a similar experience where he despised others on the spectrum during his high school years.

    That can change though. I’ve changed and Dr. Devon Price changed. If you become more comfortable with your own Autism, it should be easier for you to stand being around others who are also neurodiverse.

  • in reply to profdanger
    profdanger said:
    If you become more comfortable with your own Autism, it should be easier for you to stand being around others who are also neurodiverse.

    You see that's the problem; how do I become comfortable with my own autism? Both yourself and katniss27 talk about how things became a lot easier after your diagnosis; from my perspective, a lot of my troubles started after my diagnosis, and it has felt like a millstone around my neck ever since - the thing I can blame when things go wrong, the part of myself I need to "ignore" or "overcome" in order to integrate into a "normal" society.

    It's one thing to "know" that I have autism and that the myriad problems I have with stress and social interaction can be traced back to it; it's another to "accept" that and not be ashamed of it, which is the part I'm struggling with.

  • in reply to FlyByNight

    I get what you’re saying. One thing that might help is to consider these potential positive traits of Autism:

    1. You may be able to see the world in a different light than most. For some of us, this manifests as creativity (ex. I write remixes of music, which reimagines the original intent of others’ music). For others, this could simply mean that you can see problems from a unique perspective than most neurotypicals can. Greta Thunberg is a good example of that.

    2. You can have aversions to different senses, but it’s also possible to experience intensely positive sensations as well. Ex. I can’t stand smoke and literally cannot sit by a bonfire without feeling horrible, but colored lights such as lava lamps fill me with a deep, inexplicable joy and sense of ease.

    3. Empathy. Even if you have a history of disliking other neurodivergents, you are in a position where you can understand the struggles others with disabilities go through more than most people. Some of us struggle with empathy, true, but others of us experience immense empathy for others like us.

    There may be others, but I think those are the three core ideas that I take to heart every day.

  • in reply to FlyByNight

    Yeah! Sounds like what I’ve dealt with. So what’s worked best for me in the past is just TUMS antacids. It didn’t fully fix the problem, but it would at least lessen the discomfort. Unfortunately, I’m guessing that’s exactly what your GP recommended.

    Thankfully over time it passes for me, but usually when it happens it’s like a month of it hitting in waves.

  • in reply to profdanger

    I've also been diagnosed with "possible GERD". It feels like there's just this uncomfortable presence in my stomach and I'm constantly burping (and when I get particularly stressed, it feels like it ripples across my gut). If this is similar to what you've experienced, are there any medicines you recommend? The ones my GP have repeatedly prescribed have been quite ineffective.

  • in reply to FlyByNight

    No problem! I wish you best of luck with your book!

    As for the stomach condition, sorry buddy. I think stomach problems are strangely common with neurodivergents. Every so often I get GERD-like symptoms and everything feels just so much more stressful when your gut is inexplicably in pain. I’d recommend talking to your GP about that (though from my experience my GP often disregarded my stomach pains Pensive) to see if there is any way to alleviate that.

Reply
  • in reply to FlyByNight

    No problem! I wish you best of luck with your book!

    As for the stomach condition, sorry buddy. I think stomach problems are strangely common with neurodivergents. Every so often I get GERD-like symptoms and everything feels just so much more stressful when your gut is inexplicably in pain. I’d recommend talking to your GP about that (though from my experience my GP often disregarded my stomach pains Pensive) to see if there is any way to alleviate that.

Children
  • in reply to FlyByNight

    Yeah! Sounds like what I’ve dealt with. So what’s worked best for me in the past is just TUMS antacids. It didn’t fully fix the problem, but it would at least lessen the discomfort. Unfortunately, I’m guessing that’s exactly what your GP recommended.

    Thankfully over time it passes for me, but usually when it happens it’s like a month of it hitting in waves.

  • in reply to profdanger

    I've also been diagnosed with "possible GERD". It feels like there's just this uncomfortable presence in my stomach and I'm constantly burping (and when I get particularly stressed, it feels like it ripples across my gut). If this is similar to what you've experienced, are there any medicines you recommend? The ones my GP have repeatedly prescribed have been quite ineffective.