Funerals

I’ve experienced funerals before, and I know for me, it was overwhelming at first - he crowd, the noise, the emotions. One thing that helped was planning small ways to cope: bringing noise-canceling headphones for moments when it got too much space waves, letting someone I trusted know I might need a break, and giving myself permission to step out if I needed.

Sorry for your loss,  I suggest you go and make the best of it.  Most people are anxious about attending funerals.

I was very worried about my auntie's funeral a couple of months ago, because I have had lots of problems with my family and relatives and I really didn't want to see or talk to them.  

In the end none of the people I was worried about attended her funeral.

Hello Cnidaria,

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I went to a family funeral recently, and while it was difficult and emotionally exhausting, it was a long time coming, and I had much longer to prepare for it than you did.

It sounds as though you loved your sister very, very much, so if you believe that going will bring peace, or if it is very important to you, by all means, go ahead, make the choice you think is right. Have an escape route, bring all the tools and accommodations you need to join this impactful moment. Let some people know that it will be extra tough on you so you can take a break if needed. I spent most of the pre-funeral time not talking to anybody, couldn't talk during the service, and shut down immediately after the reception. I did not speak to my family about him before, and have not mentioned him since—it is too painful, and I have already said everything that needed to be said. However, I do believe my grandfather knew that I loved him, and I'm sure your family will understand. 

If going to her funeral isn't something you can deal with, there is zero shame in letting your family handle it. This one moment is not the entirety of your relationship, and it sounds like you have already shown up for your sister in all the ways that you possibly can. Showing up as yourself is far more important than showing up perfectly, so if that isn't realistic for you, then there are a thousand other ways to show your continued love over a lifetime.

My deepest condolences to you. As cliché as it might sound, we truly are all here for you. Please, keep us posted, and best of luck.

Love,

Max

I can definitely relate, as my brother died in 201X to a drunk driver while he was on the job as a police officer. His K9 partner died as well. Unfortunately, I had no idea I had Autism back then, so I didn’t think to implement strategies to mitigate the sensory overload that week entailed.

My one big advice is to set a plan in place for a location you can abscond to if you get overwhelmed. Preferably a location close family members know you are at, but also know not to bother you when you are there. I think the fact that you know you have Autism going into this is a huge help. I understand worrying about making your sister’s last moment about you, but you’ve got to take care of yourself, too. You’re not weak if you have to escape and/or cry.

My experience was similar because it was so sudden, but maybe a little more wacky. When a police officer dies here in the States, especially in a small town, it’s a HUGE hoopla. We had not only the entire community turn up, but also cops (and their dogs) from all over the state. Also, as a family member you are expected to attend not only the funeral, but additionally the tons of memorial services that came after that in the years that followed. I still have memorabilia (not kidding) with my brother’s face on it that were thrust upon me, such as pillows, wine bottles, and tons of tee shirts. All of this and I never really had much of a chance to come to terms with my brother’s death personally until years later because of how much attention was brought to it.

Sorry, I’m not saying your situation will be like that. I just wanted to make it clear that if anyone knows how upsetting and overwhelming a sibling’s sudden funeral can get, boy is it me.

I hope it goes alright for you and you find some closure. Please keep us updated here on how it goes, because we’re rooting for you!

Hello,

I'm really, really sorry for your loss. Funerals aren't easy. It hasn't been long since I attended my father's funeral, and it was a difficult experience. I felt sad and didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone with my feelings. I did appreciate the people who were simply there for me in silence, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case with most.

Everyone kept asking me to describe how he died and talking about how unfair it was. Then they would try to cheer me up (even though I never asked for that). Some even wanted to chat and catch up, as if it was a regular day. It really wasn’t helpful.

Still, I don’t regret going to the funeral. On the contrary, I think I would have regretted not going. Having the chance to say a final goodbye to my father was very important to me. It gave me a sense of closure. If it were someone else’s funeral though, I wouldn't have gone.

So, it really depends on how you feel. If attending the funeral doesn’t feel important to you, then don’t go. Just make sure you won't regret it later. What others think isn't important. You could also try going and see how you feel once you're there. If it’s too much, you can always leave.

Whatever you decide, I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.