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Funerals

Cnidaria

Hello. I have autism and I’m feeling really anxious about my sisters funeral. I lost my sister a couple of weeks ago in a car accident and I am feeling so much anxiety about her funeral.

Has anyone here experienced a funeral? If you feel comfortable, could you tell me how you found it and how you were able to cope with it?

Both of my grandparents have passed away, during my early teens. My grandad went suddenly from a heart attack and my gran spent the last 2 months of her life in hospital, I did visit her twice a week when it possible to do so and I was able to talk to her about funerals and she said it was fine and she understood if I couldn’t make it to hers. Despite being in her 70s she was very understanding of my struggles with autism.

I didn’t go to hers or my grandads funerals. I wanted to. I really did, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. The thought of it sent me in to meltdowns and anxiety attacks.

My sisters accident was sudden, and I didn’t get the chance to talk to her in hospital like I did with my gran. My parents have both said, even my brother, that she would understand if I can’t go to the funeral. I’ve visited her in the hospital chapel and at the funeral home, that at least brought me some comfort seeing her more at peace than when I first saw her after the accident.

She looked really peaceful like she was asleep in the funeral home.

But I’m still unsure what to do about the funeral. I haven’t been to one before, the idea makes me so anxious, all the people, strange new place, the noises.

Or maybe it won’t be that bad, maybe I’m over thinking it.
But I don’t want to go and end up having a meltdown because it would so embarrassing, unpleasant and I don’t want to end up turning my sisters last moment about me.

I’m sorry to make my #1 post such a negative one but I’m really struggling with this and I would appreciate your thoughts on what’s best to do because I really don’t know.

Parents

  • Hello Cnidaria,

    I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I went to a family funeral recently, and while it was difficult and emotionally exhausting, it was a long time coming, and I had much longer to prepare for it than you did.

    It sounds as though you loved your sister very, very much, so if you believe that going will bring peace, or if it is very important to you, by all means, go ahead, make the choice you think is right. Have an escape route, bring all the tools and accommodations you need to join this impactful moment. Let some people know that it will be extra tough on you so you can take a break if needed. I spent most of the pre-funeral time not talking to anybody, couldn't talk during the service, and shut down immediately after the reception. I did not speak to my family about him before, and have not mentioned him since—it is too painful, and I have already said everything that needed to be said. However, I do believe my grandfather knew that I loved him, and I'm sure your family will understand. 

    If going to her funeral isn't something you can deal with, there is zero shame in letting your family handle it. This one moment is not the entirety of your relationship, and it sounds like you have already shown up for your sister in all the ways that you possibly can. Showing up as yourself is far more important than showing up perfectly, so if that isn't realistic for you, then there are a thousand other ways to show your continued love over a lifetime.

    My deepest condolences to you. As cliché as it might sound, we truly are all here for you. Please, keep us posted, and best of luck.

    Love,

    Max

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  • Hello Cnidaria,

    I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I went to a family funeral recently, and while it was difficult and emotionally exhausting, it was a long time coming, and I had much longer to prepare for it than you did.

    It sounds as though you loved your sister very, very much, so if you believe that going will bring peace, or if it is very important to you, by all means, go ahead, make the choice you think is right. Have an escape route, bring all the tools and accommodations you need to join this impactful moment. Let some people know that it will be extra tough on you so you can take a break if needed. I spent most of the pre-funeral time not talking to anybody, couldn't talk during the service, and shut down immediately after the reception. I did not speak to my family about him before, and have not mentioned him since—it is too painful, and I have already said everything that needed to be said. However, I do believe my grandfather knew that I loved him, and I'm sure your family will understand. 

    If going to her funeral isn't something you can deal with, there is zero shame in letting your family handle it. This one moment is not the entirety of your relationship, and it sounds like you have already shown up for your sister in all the ways that you possibly can. Showing up as yourself is far more important than showing up perfectly, so if that isn't realistic for you, then there are a thousand other ways to show your continued love over a lifetime.

    My deepest condolences to you. As cliché as it might sound, we truly are all here for you. Please, keep us posted, and best of luck.

    Love,

    Max

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