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Funerals

Cnidaria

Hello. I have autism and I’m feeling really anxious about my sisters funeral. I lost my sister a couple of weeks ago in a car accident and I am feeling so much anxiety about her funeral.

Has anyone here experienced a funeral? If you feel comfortable, could you tell me how you found it and how you were able to cope with it?

Both of my grandparents have passed away, during my early teens. My grandad went suddenly from a heart attack and my gran spent the last 2 months of her life in hospital, I did visit her twice a week when it possible to do so and I was able to talk to her about funerals and she said it was fine and she understood if I couldn’t make it to hers. Despite being in her 70s she was very understanding of my struggles with autism.

I didn’t go to hers or my grandads funerals. I wanted to. I really did, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. The thought of it sent me in to meltdowns and anxiety attacks.

My sisters accident was sudden, and I didn’t get the chance to talk to her in hospital like I did with my gran. My parents have both said, even my brother, that she would understand if I can’t go to the funeral. I’ve visited her in the hospital chapel and at the funeral home, that at least brought me some comfort seeing her more at peace than when I first saw her after the accident.

She looked really peaceful like she was asleep in the funeral home.

But I’m still unsure what to do about the funeral. I haven’t been to one before, the idea makes me so anxious, all the people, strange new place, the noises.

Or maybe it won’t be that bad, maybe I’m over thinking it.
But I don’t want to go and end up having a meltdown because it would so embarrassing, unpleasant and I don’t want to end up turning my sisters last moment about me.

I’m sorry to make my #1 post such a negative one but I’m really struggling with this and I would appreciate your thoughts on what’s best to do because I really don’t know.

Parents

  • I can definitely relate, as my brother died in 201X to a drunk driver while he was on the job as a police officer. His K9 partner died as well. Unfortunately, I had no idea I had Autism back then, so I didn’t think to implement strategies to mitigate the sensory overload that week entailed.

    My one big advice is to set a plan in place for a location you can abscond to if you get overwhelmed. Preferably a location close family members know you are at, but also know not to bother you when you are there. I think the fact that you know you have Autism going into this is a huge help. I understand worrying about making your sister’s last moment about you, but you’ve got to take care of yourself, too. You’re not weak if you have to escape and/or cry.

    My experience was similar because it was so sudden, but maybe a little more wacky. When a police officer dies here in the States, especially in a small town, it’s a HUGE hoopla. We had not only the entire community turn up, but also cops (and their dogs) from all over the state. Also, as a family member you are expected to attend not only the funeral, but additionally the tons of memorial services that came after that in the years that followed. I still have memorabilia (not kidding) with my brother’s face on it that were thrust upon me, such as pillows, wine bottles, and tons of tee shirts. All of this and I never really had much of a chance to come to terms with my brother’s death personally until years later because of how much attention was brought to it.

    Sorry, I’m not saying your situation will be like that. I just wanted to make it clear that if anyone knows how upsetting and overwhelming a sibling’s sudden funeral can get, boy is it me.

    I hope it goes alright for you and you find some closure. Please keep us updated here on how it goes, because we’re rooting for you!

Reply

  • I can definitely relate, as my brother died in 201X to a drunk driver while he was on the job as a police officer. His K9 partner died as well. Unfortunately, I had no idea I had Autism back then, so I didn’t think to implement strategies to mitigate the sensory overload that week entailed.

    My one big advice is to set a plan in place for a location you can abscond to if you get overwhelmed. Preferably a location close family members know you are at, but also know not to bother you when you are there. I think the fact that you know you have Autism going into this is a huge help. I understand worrying about making your sister’s last moment about you, but you’ve got to take care of yourself, too. You’re not weak if you have to escape and/or cry.

    My experience was similar because it was so sudden, but maybe a little more wacky. When a police officer dies here in the States, especially in a small town, it’s a HUGE hoopla. We had not only the entire community turn up, but also cops (and their dogs) from all over the state. Also, as a family member you are expected to attend not only the funeral, but additionally the tons of memorial services that came after that in the years that followed. I still have memorabilia (not kidding) with my brother’s face on it that were thrust upon me, such as pillows, wine bottles, and tons of tee shirts. All of this and I never really had much of a chance to come to terms with my brother’s death personally until years later because of how much attention was brought to it.

    Sorry, I’m not saying your situation will be like that. I just wanted to make it clear that if anyone knows how upsetting and overwhelming a sibling’s sudden funeral can get, boy is it me.

    I hope it goes alright for you and you find some closure. Please keep us updated here on how it goes, because we’re rooting for you!

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