• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 81 subscribers
  • Views 282 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Failed out of Uni—how to tolerate criticism.

maxlinger60

Hi all,

I did not, in fact, get that essay turned in on time. Frankly, I have not gotten much turned in. My depression is full blast and my anxiety is following suit. My family is pulling me out of university for a semester, and while I think this is the right decision, I can't help but feel a bit ashamed. I know I need time to gather myself, get my head back on my shoulders and get some money in my pocket so I can hopefully move out next fall, but it's still rough to hear, and even rougher to deal with the constant criticism and judgement I will receive from my family. I'm not the first in my family to fail a term, but my family is quite judgmental, and I'm terrified of what happens if I enjoy work more than school. What will they think? How to tolerate six months of living at home, without my friends, with only my uptight parents to comment on my every move. I know they are here to support, but I still feel lost. I dragged myself out of rock bottom multiple times these past few months, and I don't want any mental progress I have made to go right back down the shitter.

Any advice? I know what I'm going to do, but I don't know how to feel and could use some support.

Love,

Max

  • Really sorry that things have come to a halt, but I’m more concerned that you are depressed, anxious and feeling ashamed over something that might feel huge to you (dropping out of uni for a semester), yet in the scheme of things, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Of course you didn’t want this to happen, and you may well be feeling more depressed than usual because of it, but shameful it is not.  I’m not going to make a list of all the shameful things that people I know have done, but usually they are shameful enough to make media headlines, and it doesn’t sound like the hiccup in your university career is going to make the headlines.

    I haven’t any further words that may be of help, other than to let time heal and do what you want to do, be that work, uni or anything else. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hiya Stuart,

    Thanks so much for your helpful words—they mean a lot right now. To answer your question, university is my dream, so I will be going back sometime, but for now, I think I need a break. Thank you for reminding me about my options and providing your own story. It's always good to hear from others when things seem tough.

    Love,

    Max

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U )

    Hey O & U,

    Good to hear from you, friend. Thanks so much for your words—they mean a lot. I've had a lovely chat with my family, and while I don't think it solves everything, I think they reflect my hopes for this time, too. In response, no it wouldn't be so bad to enjoy work, and if I do, I'll let life take me from there.

    All my thanks.

    Love,

    Max

  • Commiserations Max

    You know where I'd say to put that judgement.  Up to you to if you want to take that advice, especially if it could do more harm than good.  

    Would it be so bad if you did enjoy work more?

    Your life, your future.  Your family are there to support you, not to make you a clone.   

    I know my words might be incendiary, and following them might cause friction now - but your long term peace of mind is what matters my friend.  

  • Are you scared about what other people think of you, or really is it about what you think of you?
    Do you feel you have you let them down, or you have let yourself down?

    I dropped out of a degree course 36 years ago.
    I'd always done stuff to please other people and because it was what you did, e.g. O levels, A levels, degree. But the degree, with the requirements to live away from home, feed myself, pay bills, socialise, find new friends, etc, on top of studying was too much.
    I had never missed anything, but one time I sat in the rented house and watched a 5 day cricket test match rather than go to lectures.
    Drinking to socialise did not help with memory or studying.

    Anyway, the first thing is to accept yourself. What is it you want to do?
    If you want to work, then go do that. If you are not a student you will need to earn some money instead.

    If you know it is right for you, then you will be able to manage comments from others.
    But you can't hope it's for the best, you have to make sure it is for the best. Whatever path you take is the path you take and you need to commit to it.

    I won't say it is easier without a degree, as it opens doors, and a degree may be needed for certain professions, but it is still possible to do well if you are good enough. It is also possible to get qualifications later.
    I got a HNC, work paid for me to go to college 1 day a week (was 12 hr days mind) and I mostly go distinctions as it was something I did for myself and I was more mature. You can also get degrees and other qualifications as a mature student if you need to later (I did not do this). It is not as easy, but the door is never closed (as long as you have some money).

    Qualifications generally only get you into a company, once you have got a job, it is how good you are that determines how far you get promoted.
    If you stay with the same company then no-one looks at the qualifications again, But when changing jobs it makes things harder, but again, it also comes down to experience, how good you are and confidence.
    There are some careers where you have to have certain qualifications, if you can't do them, then you have to accept that and find something else.

    So the point is you have not failed, you have chosen to take a different path. There is no point following the current path if it does not lead anywhere.
    But no-one is going to wave a magic wand and make everything OK. You have reached the crunch point where you have to decide what you want, and not do what you think other people want you to do. If you can reduce the pressure to make a bit of space to think about it, it will help.