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Regular "feeling lonely" day

pdaddio83

I said once before here that I can go for periods where things feel fine, then suddenly my mood just shifts to the other end of the scale and I feel really unhappy and lonely. Today is one of those days where I'm in that mood.

I feel tired because I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't sleep well probably because I was stewing and overthinking over a small argument with my wife over how I reprimanded our daughter (also autistic, so plenty of opportunities where we clash sometimes). Despite what I thought was logical, it was apparently the "wrong" way to handle the situation - and my wife was right really, I did not react how a parent should. So staying awake thinking it isn't fair on me but also agreeing that I don't do things right too, head going round in circles. I also didn't then get a chance to do one of my activities that keeps me happy, it was too late at night to start anything, so got low motivation today.

That results in a day where I feel really down, isolated and lonely because I don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family at the moment. Everything I saw today also irritated me further, reminding me that I just don't seem to belong anywhere - people talking in their groups at work except me, walking through town during my lunchbreak painfully aware I just look weird compared to everyone else, anything I read today mentioning the word "friends" etc. I even saw one of my real friends today at the shops sorting his bike out, he didn't see me though. I could have walked over and said hello, but I didn't because I wasn't in the mood - though I'm thinking I should have done really.

I'm trying to remind myself this will pass like always, it's a struggle though. I'm going to try and do something that interests me - I want to start some creative writing as a new hobby, but I can't get motivated or find enough focus time to do it, which keeps putting me off. Instead I'll catch up with all my TV programmes I'm lagging behind with - my wife has gone to bed early, so although I am still physically alone, at least I'll be doing something where I don't feel like I'm being judged.

This is another rambling post, I'm really sorry. I do feel like it helps writing it all down, even if no-one replied back - I wouldn't blame you!

  • Hey man, I feel for you. I have a daughter who my wife and I suspect is Autistic ,and I sometimes wonder if I'm too harsh with her or maybe a bit distant/cold? My wife is ADHD and it's an interesting blend in parenting and one that works for us - she understands me and I understand her. Don't get me wrong, there are occasions where I'm told I've handled something wrong and I try to explain where I was coming from (the explanation doesn't always come across the way I want it to). I often accept her point of view as I know I can misread the situation. Most of the frustrations come when I'm trying to get our daughter to a club/hobby by a certain time. I want to leave at a very specific time and she takes AGES getting ready ("fannying about" is what my wife calls it). Invariably, we'd be late leaving (despite still being early) and I'd get short with her during to feeling awful about not getting out by the time set in my head. My wife used to tell me that it "wasn't the end of the world", which didn't help. She now understands and joins me in cajoling our daughter by explaining that Daddy worries about time, so she needs to help me. That actually does help.

    I find just spending some time in the shower helps settle my brain (the noise is really calming). I also game on my PC with my best mate and that routine helps me de-stress from the day. My wife understands the importance of these and is really supportive.

    It was really interesting to read about you going round in circles with it in your head. I've struggled with that aspect all my life and find myself playing our scenarios of conversations in my head. During tough times those made-up conversations always turned bad and I would get worked up and fixated on them, unable to clear them from my head. It's really nice to know that someone else has had those moments too, so I really thank you for sharing that.

  • in reply to pdaddio83
    pdaddio83 said:
    I want it to be fun and not pressured.

    Totally understand. I write music and stories solely for myself. I used to write with the intention of publishing, but I find that doing it for myself is so much less stressful and more fulfilling.

    pdaddio83 said:
    There are many other times when me and my daughter get on really well because we're on the same wavelength

    Same here. When it’s just me and C (the daughter with Autism) without R (our maybe ND daughter?) we seem to understand each other better than anyone else.

  • in reply to Emmalephant

    Thanks Emmalephant. I'm more into non-fiction than fiction really, but I get what you're saying. Procrastination is a big problem - I keep thinking to myself this isn't as important as many other things I'm needed for, or if I sit down and start then I'll be interrupted in 5 minutes time and lose focus, so might as well not start. I really should try and aim for it one day, writing I feel I could actually do with some practice.

  • in reply to profdanger

    Same family experience as me, except add two more children to the mix for a family of 5 - it can sometimes get very noisy! I get into trouble sometimes because, when my daughter is speaking in a rude or inconsiderate tone of voice, I'll repeat back to her the same way. My thinking is if I show her what it's like for us, she'll see that actually it's not a very nice way to treat other people. It seems logical to me, but it is probably not what a parent should do, I can see someone else's point of view really. There are many other times when me and my daughter get on really well because we're on the same wavelength and I get that sometimes she just needs quiet.

    Maybe "creative" writing is the wrong word... I'm basically wanting to write in the style of a blog, about things that interest me and my own thoughts and opinions on them. I'm trying to think small first, like writing just for myself to read and not share with anyone else yet, maybe it might go online. I do not want to get caught up in what everyone else online does, trying to "market" myself or do because I feel I have to, I want it to be fun and not pressured.

  • I feel better now. Caught up with the latest Doctor Who episodes, played some Mario on my Nintendo Switch. I just needed some solid recharge time for a couple of hours, which is not easy as an adult with family responsibilities.  

  • Hey there!

    Autistic dad of an Autistic daughter here with a NT wife. Boy have I been in your shoes with the whole “wrong way to handle the situation” problem. I (and my wife) often catch me being too harsh on my daughter when she’s having a meltdown because I feel like - in the moment - I went through the same thing as her and turned out just fine. Not true, btw. Her experiences are wayy different than mine and I have to remind myself of that often.

    You want to start creative writing? That’s awesome, dude. What kind of writing are you thinking of?

  • Hey! Sorry to hear about your rather difficult day. Just know, you can be proud of yourself for pushing through and for at least trying to make yourself feel better now. 
    When I want to get some creative writing done but don’t have any ideas, I usually search for little prompts. Sometimes it can also be a start to just write down everything that goes through your head right now and sometimes that makes the best start for a short story or even just a single scene or poem.