I said once before here that I can go for periods where things feel fine, then suddenly my mood just shifts to the other end of the scale and I feel really unhappy and lonely. Today is one of those days where I'm in that mood.
I feel tired because I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't sleep well probably because I was stewing and overthinking over a small argument with my wife over how I reprimanded our daughter (also autistic, so plenty of opportunities where we clash sometimes). Despite what I thought was logical, it was apparently the "wrong" way to handle the situation - and my wife was right really, I did not react how a parent should. So staying awake thinking it isn't fair on me but also agreeing that I don't do things right too, head going round in circles. I also didn't then get a chance to do one of my activities that keeps me happy, it was too late at night to start anything, so got low motivation today.
That results in a day where I feel really down, isolated and lonely because I don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family at the moment. Everything I saw today also irritated me further, reminding me that I just don't seem to belong anywhere - people talking in their groups at work except me, walking through town during my lunchbreak painfully aware I just look weird compared to everyone else, anything I read today mentioning the word "friends" etc. I even saw one of my real friends today at the shops sorting his bike out, he didn't see me though. I could have walked over and said hello, but I didn't because I wasn't in the mood - though I'm thinking I should have done really.
I'm trying to remind myself this will pass like always, it's a struggle though. I'm going to try and do something that interests me - I want to start some creative writing as a new hobby, but I can't get motivated or find enough focus time to do it, which keeps putting me off. Instead I'll catch up with all my TV programmes I'm lagging behind with - my wife has gone to bed early, so although I am still physically alone, at least I'll be doing something where I don't feel like I'm being judged.
This is another rambling post, I'm really sorry. I do feel like it helps writing it all down, even if no-one replied back - I wouldn't blame you!
