Emotional connection

It’s clear that you and your wife are working hard together to find solutions and that reflects well on your relationship. There’s obviously a lot that is really good between you and a lot to be grateful for. No relationship is perfect. 

I've worked work about 5 therapists to try and improve the situation with my wife. Some of it has worked and help but still lots of work 2 do. I agree you can't force yourself to feel or do things we don't like, I don't like being touch especially on my back and especially by an index finger I'm also triggered by an index finger pointing or being used by me which can cause me to self harm, I don't thing I'll ever be able to get passed all that so that will be a constant struggle between me and my wife. One relieve is communication and trust which I get through her help and support, this helps to support my triggers a little. I never had that with my mum which cause the permanent breakdown in our relationship. I will always try and find ways to improve the situation with my wife as thankfully she is very supportive, I'm so lucky that way 

I tend to have a greater emotional connection to animals and to my dog in particular, than to humans, yet I like to be with people at times, just not all the time. I can miss cues that might indicate people are upset or worried, and I might wonder why people might be crying about something or upset with something I have said. If the reason for the upset or worry is pointed out, I would be very empathetic as I don’t like people to suffer. 

My mother would often have said that I didn’t want cuddled or touched as a baby and that my Grandmother used to be always trying to hold me and I would struggle. Since then, I have enjoyed being held by a couple of people, but I don’t like being touched by people unknown to me or even friends. 

i agree with Kate that you shouldn’t feel guilty as we can’t force ourselves to feel things we don’t feel. I felt guilty most of my life until last December when I was diagnosed ASD, and I finally realised that not everything about my past was my fault.

Although guilt might not be productive in your case, I agree with others that it might be helpful to look at what could be done to improve the situation.

I’m the opposite really, I do feel a lot of emotional connection with people and animals and places etc. Having said that I don’t like physical touch with anyone other than my very closest family. My mum and dad were not tactile with us (their children) at all and so I was never comfortable with touching them - in fact I had a real aversion to touching my dad especially, or even being around him. But that was probably also because he was emotionally/psychologically abusive towards me as well. They’re both dead now. I think it’s sad that your wife says she feels lonely, I wonder if you both could find ways to improve that situation? It would be worth working on I imagine. At the same time it’s important that you don’t feel guilty about how you essentially are - because we can’t force ourselves to feel things we just don’t feel. 

Thankyou 

I've put together a few resources about autism and emotions that you (and your wife) might find helpful: 

1. A book recommendation

This book focuses on helping couples that have one autistic partner to improve their relationships through better mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

It was written when Asperger's was still a diagnostic term, but it would now simply fall under "autism". One caveat: when describing scenarios or potential issues, the author constantly switches between which of the male and female partners is NT and which is autistic. This can be annoying, but the trouble is still well worth it, in my view.   

Chapter 8 is entitled "An Emotional Connection" and begins with: "So how do you develop an emotional connection with someone with Asperger's syndrome?"

2. Double empathy problem

You might also find this article useful; it explains Dr Milton's theory of the "Double empathy problem", including why autistic people might express emotions differently to non-autistic people:

Reframing Autism - Milton’s ‘double Empathy Problem’: A Summary for Non-academics

3. Autism and emotions

An article with a self-explanatory title:

Reframing Autism - Autism and Emotions: How and Why Do Autistic People Process Emotions Differently?

4. Alexithymia

According to this article, "some research indicates that up to half of people with autism also experience alexithymia":

Healthline - Alexithymia: Difficulty Recognizing and Feeling Emotions

5. Therapy

Couples therapy might also be worth considering, ideally led by a counsellor who is experienced in helping neurodivergent clients.