An Unfortunate Series of Regressions

I can only say you should never feel alone. I understand and empathise with everything you've said. I am 56, male, undiagnosed but awaiting an appointment with a psychologist. 

Although my situation isn't quite the same, it bares so many similarities, which is why I felt compelled to respond. Now, where to begin... 

I have a wife, 2 sons and 2 stepson living with us. I have 3 other stepkids who living in various parts of the UK, as well as a stepdaughter living in Spain. I get on well with my non-bios, that is until this year. I won't go into too much detail because I am also new here and want to post a more detailed story later.

One of my sons, who is 18, had an autism diagnosis when he was younger. He is doing well. However, his diagnosis got me thinking about my past struggles and let's just say pieces of the jigsaw started to fall into place.

I have found communication difficult. I have struggled to make and keep friends. I talk to myself. I am obsessed with everything to do with recorded music and can talk for hours about who played on what, when, connections with other artists , record labels and cover artwork. As a kid, I loved watching records turn around and I love memorising the lyrics, finding out what they mean and singing along. I have difficulty understanding people (what they say, their motives and their feelings). As you can see, it all fits the bill.

Fast forward to now: my marriage has crumbled and I'm planning to move out, but have nowhere to go. Homelife is fractious and the atmosphere is bordering toxic. I am severely depressed and spend most of my time in the spare room, on my phone or crying.

It is so hard, but I know it's the start of my path towards enlightenment. I will get there. I have to! And you will to if you keep on keeping on. ️

I feel the overwhelming desire to 'fit in' reaches crisis point eventually.  Many people here talk of masking to various degrees, but few admit the stress it actually causes - and the damage it is doing to carry on 'faking it' - sometimes for decades, simply in order to what?  

Pretend to be something you aren't?  Likely talk about things you'd not otherwise have an interest in - in a manner you'd not otherwise countenance?  Give yourself increased anxiety in trying to fit in, and heightened depression while thinking you never quite measure-up to those NTs who are just being themselves.

I could go on.  And those NTs would say my attitude is really bad - but I'm just blunt.  If you were still masking, you'd be agreeing with them, while secretly reaching for your migraine tablets for later (excuse the example, I'm sure you get my meaning). 

What do you want to do?   I think you've had enough or you'd not be here.  That's how I read it.  I may be wrong, but that's my reading of it. 

Tell me, these friendships you've fuc*ed up - were they with NTs or NDs mainly?   Wouldn't it be easier just to mix with your own kind, even if they are fewer in number - simply because you'd have so much more in common and therefore so much less to be in conflict over. 

Or are you going to mask and argue with me too?   I'm teasing.  I wish you well - I think you've come to a crossroads & you know you are headed in a new direction.   I wish you good luck with it too. 

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I really respect your approach, and totally understand the need to truly be yourself, only I think I masked for long enough that I'm not sure what that really looks like. Loneliness was a big part of my life until I started masking, and even then, I was relatively myself. Only recently did life become especially taxing and masking transitioned from a survival skill into something completely untenable. I'm also concerned that i'm inflating my autistic characteristics based on confirmation bias—like I expect myself to act this way, and so I do. Any tips?

Thanks so much for your response. I'm currently in the job hunting market, and envy you your sense of freedom—I fear that if I unmask I will not be hired. I think I'll take you up on your advice to learn more skills. I don't know how common this is, but I'm finding the more I unmask, the more raw and unfiltered I become, and the more I need to rebuild my foundations of socializing. Like I'm learning actual skills rather than draining facades. 

funny enough, I carry around a list of conversation ideas on my phone so I can connect better with people without resorting to my special interests, and it's actually working. I don't feel that I'm masking, just adapting to the folks around me.

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and retired, but I found working life and dealing with colleagues hard.

I didn't discover that I was on the spectrum until I was in my fifties, after decades of camouflaging, and I didn't realise I was masking autistic traits until I learned about autism. I knew that everyone masks to some extent and that people copy others to fit in, and some NT people feel that others do not really know them or that they might have lived their life differently if they hadn't masked. But for autistic people, there are other things like avoiding stimming, not talking about special interests, not showing sensory discomfort, or forcing eye contact.

Eye contact us a weird thing for me - I hadn't really thought about it until I found it was a common difficulty in autistic people, and after discovering that I often started thinking about it when talking to someone - wondering if  was doing it right and for the correct amount of time. I was taught to look at people when they spoke to me but also that it's rude to stare, so it can be confusing. My partner is also ND so it isn't a problem between us - we can talk without eye contact, or very little.

When I was in my late 40s I worked for an organisation that offered lots of training courses, and I chose to do communication skills, assertiveness and presentation skills courses during my time there. These did help me to become more adept at dealing with people in the workplace, but I wonder now if it reinforced or added to some of my masking. I certainly regularly got burnt out, which is common when autistic people mask.

Now I'm retired I feel much calmer. I don't see anyone regularly apart from my partner, although I enjoy chatting with others on this forum as I feel "seen". I hope you find the experience positive too.

This wont help you in the slightest, but when I finally realised that there weren't the discernible penalties I feared there would be, and I decided to 'unmask' I was quite happy with the results.  

I appreciate the path I had trodden was likely quite different to yours, and that I had been masking to please those that were never going to be satisfied with my output anyway - so unmasking had essentially liberated me. 

I didn't want to be false any more, to myself.   

maxlinger60 said:

I’m feeling down and alone

Much of my life made me feel like that anyway.   I am, I suppose, pleased for you, if you are saying that masking made you feel part of something - but for me it accentuated the problem.  I felt like I was knocking on the door of a club that I was never going to be admitted to anyway.  When I realised this, and stopped kidding myself, stress evaporated.

Yes, I feel down and alone.   But, I always did.   Autism does that to people - because we are in a tiny minority, and it is so hard to find like-minded folks to interact with.  Unless you are surrounded by supportive family & are lucky enough to have understanding friends, you will always feel isolation. 

I am sorry you feel this way, but I am pleased you've found your way here.  It is a positive step - you certainly aren't alone in this forum.