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An Unfortunate Series of Regressions

maxlinger60

Hi, I’m new. I’m a very high masking woman with ADHD, recently diagnosed after years of being told I was “unstable” and on the excruciating path to unmasking. Started stimming more, wearing compression vests, accommodating my copious sensory issues, etc, but I’ve found that while my depression and anxiety is at an all time low, my social skills have gone to hell. I can’t look people in the eye anymore, though I never had a problem before. I’ve been fucking up friendships in a way that I haven’t since I was in primary school.
 Normally I’m one of the most socially adept people I know, but after screwing up every interaction for the past two weeks, I’m feeling down and alone. Has anybody else had this experience? I’m confused, since I can’t tell if this is psychosomatic or just the real me coming out to play for the first time in decades, and if it’s the latter, I feel like I should just crawl right back into the mask.

Glad to be here—any positive input would be much appreciated. 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and retired, but I found working life and dealing with colleagues hard.

    I didn't discover that I was on the spectrum until I was in my fifties, after decades of camouflaging, and I didn't realise I was masking autistic traits until I learned about autism. I knew that everyone masks to some extent and that people copy others to fit in, and some NT people feel that others do not really know them or that they might have lived their life differently if they hadn't masked. But for autistic people, there are other things like avoiding stimming, not talking about special interests, not showing sensory discomfort, or forcing eye contact.

    Eye contact us a weird thing for me - I hadn't really thought about it until I found it was a common difficulty in autistic people, and after discovering that I often started thinking about it when talking to someone - wondering if  was doing it right and for the correct amount of time. I was taught to look at people when they spoke to me but also that it's rude to stare, so it can be confusing. My partner is also ND so it isn't a problem between us - we can talk without eye contact, or very little.

    When I was in my late 40s I worked for an organisation that offered lots of training courses, and I chose to do communication skills, assertiveness and presentation skills courses during my time there. These did help me to become more adept at dealing with people in the workplace, but I wonder now if it reinforced or added to some of my masking. I certainly regularly got burnt out, which is common when autistic people mask.

    Now I'm retired I feel much calmer. I don't see anyone regularly apart from my partner, although I enjoy chatting with others on this forum as I feel "seen". I hope you find the experience positive too.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks so much for your response. I'm currently in the job hunting market, and envy you your sense of freedom—I fear that if I unmask I will not be hired. I think I'll take you up on your advice to learn more skills. I don't know how common this is, but I'm finding the more I unmask, the more raw and unfiltered I become, and the more I need to rebuild my foundations of socializing. Like I'm learning actual skills rather than draining facades. 

    funny enough, I carry around a list of conversation ideas on my phone so I can connect better with people without resorting to my special interests, and it's actually working. I don't feel that I'm masking, just adapting to the folks around me.

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  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks so much for your response. I'm currently in the job hunting market, and envy you your sense of freedom—I fear that if I unmask I will not be hired. I think I'll take you up on your advice to learn more skills. I don't know how common this is, but I'm finding the more I unmask, the more raw and unfiltered I become, and the more I need to rebuild my foundations of socializing. Like I'm learning actual skills rather than draining facades. 

    funny enough, I carry around a list of conversation ideas on my phone so I can connect better with people without resorting to my special interests, and it's actually working. I don't feel that I'm masking, just adapting to the folks around me.

Children
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