Not posted in a while, been in a bit of denial if I'm honest.
It's been over a year since diagnosis, I've gone through many emotional states since.
I think recently I've been in denial. I've been acting like nothings different, like I used to years ago before diagnosis, masking completely, telling myself "maybe they got it wrong". I avoid going near the subject with people who know, trying to hope they forgot and think I'm NT.
- I'm struggling at the moment to see how I can use the diagnosis for anything useful. I don't want people to treat me differently, I know that the ones I've told might be sympathetic, but they don't have a chance of understanding how I feel. Feels like disclosing to anyone else is a waste of time as it goes against what I want. I spent my life trying to fit in and it goes against that, but I know now that I never will fit as I've been told I'm fundamentally different.
On the outside people can't see a difference, only those close to me notice my reactions to things can be odd or my mood odd at times, I hide it "that well". I'm lucky that my traits are ones I can mostly hide, but it's often like swallowing a hand grenade. I know it's not doing any good to bottle things.
But all these things said, I think it might be too late in life to embrace or even trust a new big change enough to make it worth it, so I'm "in the closet" pretending I'm NT...
As you can probably tell I'm extremely conflicted.
Guessing you all went through this to some degree so really just wanted to say "me too" and vent a bit. Thanks for listening!
