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Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

Another Autistician

Not posted in a while, been in a bit of denial if I'm honest.

It's been over a year since diagnosis, I've gone through many emotional states since. 

I think recently I've been in denial. I've been acting like nothings different, like I used to years ago before diagnosis, masking completely, telling myself "maybe they got it wrong". I avoid going near the subject with people who know, trying to hope they forgot and think I'm NT.

  1. I'm struggling at the moment to see how I can use the diagnosis for anything useful. I don't want people to treat me differently, I know that the ones I've told might be sympathetic, but they don't have a chance of understanding how I feel. Feels like disclosing to anyone else is a waste of time as it goes against what I want. I spent my life trying to fit in and it goes against that, but I know now that I never will fit as I've been told I'm fundamentally different. 

On the outside people can't see a difference, only those close to me notice my reactions to things can be odd or my mood odd at times, I hide it "that well". I'm lucky that my traits are ones I can mostly hide, but it's often like swallowing a hand grenade. I know it's not doing any good to bottle things.

But all these things said, I think it might be too late in life to embrace or even trust a new big change enough to make it worth it, so I'm "in the closet" pretending I'm NT...

As you can probably tell I'm extremely conflicted.

Guessing you all went through this to some degree so really just wanted to say "me too" and vent a bit. Thanks for listening!

  • Hi, nice to see you back.

    I can relate to the hand grenade comment , you know it’s going to go off but you still swallow it anyway.

    It’s a hard balance, I want to be accepted and acknowledged but not patronised. We look the same as everyone else yet are very differently wired. For me it was a bit of euphoria and a relief at the start, it then turned to sadness as I suppose I mourned the person I thought I could have been, if that makes sense. 
    Im in my later 50’s and now don’t really care what someone’s opinion is of me. I’ve lost a few people along the way but that’s their loss. I was using a massive amount of energy masking, I now don’t mask at home so  much , I suppose my blessing is that I work alone all day.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks Lotus, It's good to know, I assume most people have gone through the same, it's sad to think about us all struggling.

    I always struggled massively with being seen as different, unless it was positive, like I was always best at maths when I was in primary school and that got me praise, but then being clever at highschool was "un cool" so I messed about to try and look good and fit in.

    I've done really well in life, but it's been so tough, I'm exhausted and really want to retire but sadly can't for a while yet. I struggle to explain it to people too, if I ever tell anyone, I can't put into words how severe the anxiety can be, people just say "yeah I get that too" and I feel like a fraud and frustrated at their lack of understanding.

    If I had to sum up my current state it's "hiding" in fear of what I lose if I don't.

  • Welcome back

    I too have regrets about disclosing to my employer, I asked for help and in return I have been put in the process of forced redeployment ending my 30 odd year career.

    ACAS conciliation started and case with union lawyers.

    This is not what I hoped for when I disclosed so I really do understand your feelings.

  • Yes, I went through a similar thing. Welcome back to the community.