Autistic burnout - is there any way to help?

Hi, I’m sorry to hear your son is experiencing burnout. I have actually spend quite a lot of time thinking about this post as it really resonated with me as I’ve personally experienced burnout and I am still recovering and trying to figure things out. There are a lot of things about burnout that I wish I had known - it might have saved me a lot of trouble. I think the first thing to realise is that burnout can build up and accumulate over years and it can therefore also take a very long time to recover. There are a lot of stressors in life for everyone but even more so for autistic individuals as the world is not built for people like us. Many every day situations are high stress , we often mask and especially when we do not know that we are autistic we can try even harder to act the way others do. I experienced this myself - I was diagnosed at 25. I always knew there was something different about me but I didn’t really understand the extent - I think for a lot of things in life I just assumed it was just as difficult for everyone else and that others were just better at hiding it- it didn’t really occur to me until much later when diagnosed and starting to learn more about other autistic people’s experiences, that a lot of neurotypical individuals find situations which are very high stress, anxiety inducing and draining for me, completely trivial. There is a huge temptation to just push through and do what everyone does even if it is incredibly hard for us. This does ‘work’ for a while - in fact it did for years for me but what I didn’t realise is that it took more and more of a toll and I grew ever more exhausted and unwell, even physically ill until I was only a shadow of my former self. It doesn’t help that as we grow older life throws more and more demands on us. I ended up so burnout and physically unwell that I ended up on sick leave for a while and also intermitted from university- but for some reason the time off didn’t really allow me to recover- maybe because it was a very unhappy and unsettling time (I wasn’t in a stable situation) or maybe I didn’t understand the cause of my exhaustion and was trying to fix the wrong thing (i ended up loosing a lot of weight at those times too due to my ibs and autism associated issues around food being exacerbated during times of unhappiness, burnout and stress. I also thought it might still be long covid etc). I also didn’t feel like there was any positive or meaningful activity that I was able to do- i haven’t been able to do my hobbies for years due to injuries and because i was so burnout, everything was so exhausting, it was hard to find joy in anything. I was told I was depressed etc etc. Thinking back I think it was all a consequence of the burnout. I thought I would never recover- sorry I realise all of this is very negative- I’m just trying to explain how it felt.

what I really want you and your son to know is that you can recover, but it can take a really long time and the right conditons. I wish I had known- I had such huge fears I would never feel myself again and that life would keep being so incredibly hard. 
I’m not fully mended but I can tell for first time in years that things are changing- I now have short moments where I feel almost back to my old self, mentally alert, curious etc and life is so so much easier then- things are more fun as well when you have energy- so what made the difference and helped me start to recover? 
I was yet in another bad situation after a long list of bad experiences: for me it was related to my PhD/ work -I desperately wanted to do a PhD (i’m a scientist or at least hoping to be) and it went wrong in various ways, from ending up exploited and not paid for months, to finally having what I thought was a stable position only to have a supervisor who bullied me and then ultimately our lab closed and I was forced to leave. I was in a really bad state and ultimately ended up moving to the other side of the planet (not the plan but just a consequence) in order to take up a PhD position with someone I had worked with in the past and whom I had stayed in touch with- she was aware that I was not functioning anymore - I made this very clear (even bursting into tears on phone, saying I was broken and that i had no clue why she was even offering to hire me). It hasn’t been easy for me to move to a different country where I don’t speak language and don’t know culture and there are still a lot of things I struggle with but for the first time in years I felt safer. My new supervisor seemed so supportive and it allowed me to try and put my own needs first and to also take care of myself and not just prioritise work. I do have a lot of guilt still about taking it more slowly and it can be hard to allow myself to but it has been worth it. It also helps to have something meaningful to do and it really helps when someone believes in you and accepts you the way you are without seeing you as broken. I still struggle though- like right now I can tell I am pushing too much again and desperately need a break and step back but it’s hard to do so when there are work commitments and when you also feel like you are not allowed to - because everyone else is doing more than you and you are doing less than you used to and still feel it is too much. I think it is really hard to accept that you need to step back and be patient and give yourself time - it does help though- I can tell- at moments I feel more alive than in years. 

I am not sure if sharing my experience has helped. I think in terms of your son, I would say 2 weeks is not a long time at all to recover from burnout (if that is the cause)- burnout can develop over years and it can take years even and a lot of changes to recover. I think recognising that burnout exists and could be the cause helps. I think it also really helps to know that you are autistic and that life can be harder for us and more stressful and it’s ok to do things differently in a way that works for us. I think that is key to recover- no longer forcing yourself to do things the way others do them but allowing yourself to find your way and to prioritise your needs. It’s ok to be different. It is of course made harder by the world not being very accepting of differences and in addition the demands of work or university can add additional constraints. But I think it is possible to recover and this is likely a very individual process- your son withdrawing could be his way of protecting himself and doing what he needs in this moment (though of course I don’t know him so can’t judge). I think you are doing the right thing by being there for him without pushing too hard. I have no idea if anything I shared is of use. I hope you both feel better soon!

Thanks for this  much appreciated.

Dear WaitAndSee, 

Thank you for posting and tell the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that your son is going through a difficult time.

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you or your family to contact 999 or any of the crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you or anyone else is at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

You may find it useful to contact the following:  

• autistic fatigue and burnout https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue   
• depression https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/depression  

If you feel that you or your son might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help 

It may be of interest to you to contact The Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service. The Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service emotional support to parents and carers regarding their autistic children/grown-up children. The service is provided by trained volunteers with personal experience as the parent of an autistic child or adult. Our focus is on emotional support and understanding what it is like for you as a parent. We offer empathy, understanding, and a safe space to talk through your feelings and experiences. To request a call, complete a web enquiry form here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline  

We hope this is helpful to you.  

Kind regards  

Rosie Mod  

thank you yes that all makes sense.   It's reassuring to hear these insights and responses from people who have been there and done that.   

I am really pleased you managed to see your son yesterday - albeit he seemed to not be ready yet for seeing anybody.

Sometimes Autistic burnout can be "textbook" like the guidance from experts.  Other times, it can escalate or be fuelled from a potentially less obvious non-Autism trait trigger - but then an Autistic response or capacity to cope with the impact comes into play e.g.:

- maybe, an unhappy anniversary of another life event or disappointment,

- some University environments can wax and wane in the demands and impacts (as a Student year two can bring unwelcome realisation of the streams of performance and achievement among peer groups, as someone working at a University the ebb and flow of funding, personality clashes, changes of coworkers or internal politics etc.), and

- sometimes, what starts as a minor concern about a non-Autism medical matter then rapidly snowballs into "everything is too difficult" when, (on reaching out to), an appropriate clinical setting doesn't realise how stressed / anxious the Autistic adult is about their medical worry bead and responds in a manner which the Autistic Adult interprets as dismissive.

I hope your son may surface a bit more, before too long, and finds it possible to be more comfortable about being communicative with loved ones, his GP or therapist and the University.

It is not easy to know what to suggest you can try to do differently - in such a strongly experienced and personal matter.  Somehow, without your son feeling attention is intrusive: you obviously ard keen that he knows he is important, loved, thought about, considered, heard, and that the lines of communication are always available - even if he might feel a bit embarrassed about some of the recent events.

In the meantime, I wish you access to sufficient "me time" to pursue those activities you might find personally de-stressing.  It is difficult for both parties.

very good sense.  but  i now have zero influence on what he eats.    he's pretty healthy in his eating habits though.   He's been a personal trainer for 20 years so quite fitness obsessed.  although as you say this often falls by the wayside in times of withdrawal. 

Hi RQR. it looks like your original post did post.  you are very kind to share this.   i think that is definitley  something to encourage.  he tends to submerge himself in TV things like Anime and other japanese drams when he's overwhelmed.   I didn't know thats what it was of course But  i can see now twhat it is - a way of keeping he overwhelm at bay.  

thanks so much for your reply  so helpful to have this.

Firstly encourage him to abstain from drinking alcohol , using tobacco nicotine caffine or any illiet illigal substances if he doesn't already not necessarily for ever its always personal choice except for the illicet illigal substances of course , if he has experimented don't be hard on him it's a normal part of growing and maturing , it's always a mistake but its one that most people make its one on the humans fatal flaws its natural human behaviour . If and when stress levels are high it's best to do what's good for neurological function, write down a meal plan with him or for him to refer to the best start to any day is 2 wheat biscs with 250ml of semi skimmed milk and one banana then some light exercise like a brisk walk , if he takes medication with breakfast and needs to remain inactive and calm until they've taken effect then it can be helpful for initial periods to seperate the banana from the wheat and eat the banana just before he's ready to leave the front door about 10 minuets before , then walk the banana on , it helps , wheat is antinflamatory and good for the gastrointestinal system milk has lots of vitamis and minerals and bananas are excellent for muscle function,  neurological function genral health and well being , food if eaten correctly provides physical energy and promotes mental alertness agility and emotional resilience and that's exactly what it's intended to do so if diet and lifestyle have suffered which they do in times of stress and worry then the ability to pull youseld out of it is reduced especially when living alone for the first time , there's absolutly no shame in struggling and needing help because every single person needs help and recieves help in one way or another , do breakfast and a brisk walk then build from that .

Noooooooo! I spent a really very long time creating a reply but I've just lost it due to having a poor signal! Apologies! I shall hereby attempt to redraft it in as faithful a fashion as possible! Here goes: I find that immersing myself in activities which I truly enjoy or am deeply passionate about, whether it be illustration or LEGO design, (otherwise known as special interests!) (those are mine!) not only provide a welcome distraction from distress but also help me to better recharge, ultimately reducing burnout. I find/found it to be a really very useful strategem indeed - and (as of yet!) it's worked great! I would very much recommend it! :-) If you're not certain as to what his special interests may be (or rather may entail!), try suggesting something which you think he might like - perhaps there's a particular childhood interest in which he might like to rekindle! :-) You could even ask him as to what he finds to be most fun - when you're able to do so! When I was feeling really very sad, and unable to move forward, I did exactly this - and it changed everything! If anything, it's very much worth a shot! :-)

I find that immersing myself in activities which I truly enjoy or am really very passionate about (otherwise known as "Special Interests"!) not only provide a welcome distraction from distress but also help me to recharge and (really very often!) relax, which (in turn!) works toward reducing burnout! I've found this to be a really very helpful strategem indeed - and would very much recommend it (as in to do so!) If you're not certain as to what his interests may be, perhaps you could introduce to him something which you suspect he might like, or perhaps even ask him about it - if you're able to do so! Does he have any childhood interests in which you might be able to rekindle? :-) (Also, I really do hope that this doesn’t come across as being either arrogant or pretentious—it's not my intention at all, and I'm really very sorry if it does/seems to be so! To be honest, I’m not sure as to how it might sound- but I just wanted to express this as best I could!) :-)

thanks so much for replying i have looked at the link and some  other posts  and found some useful things for when he is well enough to communicate.    

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about your son having shutdowns. Autistic burnout is a horrible thing and must be incredibly worrying for family.

I think that there are things that you can do, but can only talk about my own experiences. I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things, already. Just by wanting to help.

For me, I have a crisis plan (for when I am in one or bordering on one) and a relapse prevention plan (mainly involving spoon theory)

I also was going to post as above about the link and searching for previous threads.

Best wishes to you and your son.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout

Here is the link to the NAS page on Autistic Burnout that you may not have already seen.  I hope that this may prove informative.

There's been plenty of posts on the subject here in the past.  If you use the search function on the home page, and input the word 'burnout' some of these will appear.

Welcome to the forum.