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Supporting my friend

Rach91

Hi a very close friend of mine his dad has passed away. He couldn’t get through to his dad so went to the house to check. He walked in and found his dad this happened a few hours ago. We both have autism and I am struggling because I need to be there for him. As soon as I heard I phoned a taxi and went to his dad’s house to comfort him which he really appreciated. I am now over his flat and I’m seeing him tomorrow he insisted tomorrow still happens and I’m going to cook him a nice meal tomorrow. I know that right now he is in denial and there is going to be a rough time ahead. I need advice really what to do and am I doing enough? I’m struggling to be strong I broke down in tears in front of my friend got emotional phoned my dad because of the shock and my dad is absolutely fine thank god. Am I doing enough and how do I cope when things get tough? Most importantly how can I stay strong? 

  • Sounds like you are already doing a fantastic job of being supportive to your friend. Having someone there and listening when he needs it exactly what he needs. 

    Keep up the good work and don’t forget to be good to yourself as well 

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Taking some time out for myself for a few days now so I can recharge and offer the support when needed again. 

  • in reply to Rach91

    I am glad you both had a good Sunday - it can be helpful to keep up with your usual things.

  • Thank you for your advice guys. I was with my friend today we did our usual Sunday stuff and we had a nice meal together in the evening he not long driven me back home. He wants to keep busy with things and appreciates the support I’m providing he was really grateful I was there for him today. 

  • You're doing great at supporting your friend, just be there to listen if he wants to talk and do practical things to help, like the meal you are cooking for him. Look after yourself too by taking sensory breaks when you need them. Have faith in yourself.

  • I wanted to say;

    - you both need to be kind to yourselves and each other,

    - be careful to keep up with your healthy selfcare routines,

    - to pace yourselves (to avoid getting over-committed to extra busy-ness),

    - to be patient and understanding with each other - as you might find both of you can be more emotional with one another (and big emotional swings in mood can mean we might say things in a bit more unfiltered way than usual - not because we are trying to be mean - so sometimes we need to make more allowances for one another), 

    - to be prepared for navigating some changes and new experiences as your friend and their family deal with the death of their loved one and the administration involved in tidying the end of life of their relative in the way that the dead person would have wished things to be done (it is OK to find those experiences are new to you and to also discuss the feelings with someone you trust - it is a new life skill to learn about those things - not everyone you speak to will know about those things - so you can learn together),

    - not everyone reacts the same way to news of a death / bereavement / grief (people are allowed to be quiet or chatty as suits their own needs for processing all the thoughts about the situation),

    - some people, when they are upset about someone dying, like a distraction while they think thrings through - like doing chores / their studies, their work, their hobbies,

    - if you find that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed sometimes, people may not realise why, so it is OK to let people know you are dealing with a bereavement - so they can be a bit more supportive (you don't need to go into details about everything - unless you want to - lots of people will have experienced a bereavement before themselves so they will have some understanding about how you might be feeling too),

    - try to take some time to plan in the future something fun to do (each of: something you like to do on your own / with your family / with your friends / with your close friend whose Dad died),

    - it is important to know that each person who experiences a bereavement may take a different length of time to adjust to the situation and slowly return to their more usual way of life (everyone needs to be a bit more patient with each other because sometimes people need very different amounts of time for that healing process than other people)

    - there is no one "right way" to get over things when someone you know dies, it can all seem a bit of a shock, so it just takes some time and people being kind to each other in lots of simple / little ways (each little act of kindness is important and it can surprise you which people are thoughtful like that towards someone they know who has experienced a bereavement).

    Here are some more pieces of guidance:

    www.autism.org.uk/.../autistic-adults

  • I am sorry you are in this situation.  It isn't one that there are rules for - for anyone - and I can well understand how you must be wondering what exactly you are meant to be doing right now. 

    I am going to put the link here for Urgent Help in case you or your friend need it.  It includes numbers to call should anyone need someone over this initial period of shock & grief.

    https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

    I am pleased you have each other for support, and please come back to this place as required.   Wishing you both well, take care.