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I will never quite meet the grade socially

Hope

 

I have been thinking about my social skills lately, and how I picked up some basic social competencies from the age of 16 onwards - I am now 26 years old. But maybe we can compare Asperger's syndrome to Dyslexia: just as a Dyslexic will never be able to read perfectly, although they might just scrape a grade in English after significant effort, so a person with Asperger's will never have perfect social skills. However, with a lot of effort, it is possible to just scrape a grade in the 'social skills exam' (with luck, perhaps even a C!), but the way social skills are learnt will be radically different to how Neurotypicals learn them. Perhaps we use a different part of the brain to learn social skills, and so we learn them like a Dyslexic learns to read - the software is not automatically programmed into the brain so we have to build it up block by block. A Dyslexic could learn to read quite well, but only after many years of hard work, and they will always be Dyslexic - the skill will never be natural for them.

What are your thoughts?

  • I get on fine with people most of the time but I've never really had a close friend and from time to time this really bothers me. I see things on Facebook or something which shows how close some of my acquaintances are to other people and I ask myself why I've never had that kind of friendship?

    There are other times when I really can not be bothered to put in all the effort to maintain certain friendships. I don't want to be dressing up and going out of an evening when I can just sit in front of my computer in my comfy clothes. I don't always want to be listening to mindless chatter about things that don't interest me at all. I find socialising to be such an effort sometimes and it really is tiring.

  • I have a pen-pal who I met through Asperger United newsletter. Does your daughter receive this? It is a free newsletter and is distributed by the NAS. It is run by and for people with Asperger's, and is always very informative.

    My pen-pal, who I have never met in person, lives miles away from me and is a lot older, but I always enjoy reading her cards and letters. I consider her to be a friend, and I get a lot of comfort from her understanding. She also has Asperger's.

    I am not a member of any online group where details can be exchanged, but I am fortunate in having a support worker, who is 8 years older than me. My support worker acts as a counsellor as well as a home help, and she fulfills similar functions to a friend, even though it is a professional relationship. She works for a local Autism charity.

  • It sounds as though you are doing everything you can to get on with your life.  Learning to love yourself will draw more people to you in time.  Have you thought about joining an online group of like minded people? I met my best friends online and although we don't met up very often because of living in different parts of the country, the support from them is far better than those people I see in my day to day life.

    Also, do you have any kind of support worker?  Maybe they could put you in touch with someone your age that needs a friend?  My own daughter doesn't go to school at the moment but she has a friend in a girl a few years older than her that has a learning disability.  They get on really well as despite the age difference and disability difference, they are similar types of girl.

  • Yes, my family are quite supportive. I think they are understanding my issues more as I get older, and consequently I do not argue quite so much with them as I used to.

    I am generally ok in my own company. At least I have learnt to respect myself and not be too hard on myself - understanding that I have weaknesses but that I also have strengths. I cannot expect other people to always give me an easy ride so I have to be kind to myself, and be my own friend.

  • Hope, I hear what you are saying.  

    Do you have family to support you?  I'm forever telling my 13 yr old that you only need good family.  

    I'm NT and I have had some good friends over the years but its not the be all and end all.  Some people are social animals and need to surround themselves with constant communication/adoration but I think there is a lot to be said for being happy in your own company.