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Obsessing

Star

My mum is terminally ill and I don’t know what to do. I know I can’t do anything to stop her health from declining but I keep obsessing on things I can do to stop her from getting worse. Over thinking is my biggest problem and my mum being so sick is one of my worst nightmares come true. I’ve been trying to distract myself but it’s hard. I keep thinking about my mum and what will happen to her in the end.

  • Dear Star,

    I have only just now seen your news about your Mum and the difficult time for you and shared by the people who know both you and your Mum.

    I hope you are able to take extra good care; to keep up with the healthy routines of your own daily life - to keep yourself well - as you deal with this extra stressful time.

    Even people we know well, don't always feel confident about what might be the right thing to say (to be helpful and supportive to us) when we are dealing with difficult family news. 

    Sometimes, that means people you know and would hope / expect they would naturally talk to you about everything - may seem to say less than usual. 

    That does not mean you cannot ask people you know in the real World for help with things that you are thinking about.

    It might be that they are just being respectful, trying to give you some time to think about the news in your own way and maybe people might be waiting to hear from you first - about how you feel they can be helpful to you these days. 

    Think of the different people you know well (most people will understand the importance of such difficult family news - but they might not realise - all by themself: which are the things worrying you compared to other people they might know).

    If you still are not sure about talking to people about things - Anna Mod has kindly listed a choice of telephone helpline contact numbers and the Shout text service too.

    What I am trying to say; is two things: 1) you are not alone and 2) you are allowed to ask for some help.

    Thinking of you.

  • Would you not be better placed making the most of the time you have left together?

  • Good morning Star,

    I am really sorry to read your post and hear about your mum. Thank you for reaching out and I really hope you find some support here. You are not alone. We have an advice page dedicated to mental health support. Please find the link here:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health-and-wellbeing

    Select the tab to find out more details. 

    If you would rather talk to someone please find useful phone numbers for support below. 

    Help for anyone struggling to cope

    • Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

    • Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm,

    Monday to Friday)

    • SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or

    supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)

    • Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to

    midnight every day).

    • Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone

    struggling to cope.

    We really hope this is helpful to you.

    With very best wishes,

    Anna Mod

  • I’m so sorry about your mum. It’s horrible when someone we love dearly becomes seriously unwell, it’s a lot to take in and cope with all at once. It’s important you talk to people so you receive the support you need. Do you have anyone who can offer you support? There are a lot of organisations that can help you too. Your GP can get you in touch with some, and also a therapist if needed.

    My mum had COPD and emphysema and for years we watched her deteriorate. It was horrible and I spent a lot of time worrying and wishing I could do something to help her. In the end my therapist taught me that the best thing I could do was look after myself, so I could look after my mum. Just being there helped my mum. She didn’t need me much but she knew she had a friend and I think that meant the world to her.

    Take each day as it comes and remember you're doing so well. Be kind to yourself and know there are people out there who care and will listen when you need to talk. Feel free to hmu anytime you need to.

    Wish you and your mum all the very best.

  • I am sorry to hear you are going through this.  My Mum passed away some time ago, and it was a bad time, even though we had a unconventional relationship.  

    I clearly don't know the details, but there are various organisations that can offer support, sometimes depending on what may be wrong with your Mum, and it may also be an idea that you think about either speaking with your GP or approaching Primary Care for some talking therapy to work through some of these thoughts. 

    These times aren't easy for anyone, so please don't think it is particular to you, or you are to blame in some way - there's no particular right or wrong way to handle this.