Feeling like my neurotypical friends don't understand my autism

Given that I do not fully understand my autism, I am not surprised that my friends do not either.

Most don't, because they don't take the time to really listen. I just wanted to offer some hope that not all neurotypical people are like this, my best friend and husband are unbelievably supportive and go out of their way to understand. What I have learned, though, is that both NT and ND have to adapt to meet in the middle. We can't expect them to adapt to our way of thinking if we can't do the same for them. For example, when I meet my friend for coffee, we automatically head for the corner table, no questions asked. But if it's not free I will to put up with sitting elsewhere. Most of the time she won't expect me to go to noisy or crowded places with her, but for special occasions, like a birthday, I make the extra effort to do it.

Not all my friends are like this though, I've broken ties with some of them since my diagnosis because they won't accept or acknowledge it. I hope eventually you will find friends who will listen.

Hey again, 

I watched a small Russian film recently, the name is 'Every 88th'. 

In the film, a young Soviet soldier dies fighting Nazi forces, and wakes up in the afterlife, which is nothing but a queue, with your place determined by how well you lived. He is near the beginning of the queue. 

When it is his turn to start a new life, Fate gives him a 'black ticket'- autism, no father, etc. 

H starts a huge argument with Fate, saying he wants to be 'useful' to society, then finally that he doesn't want to be disabled, and asks Fate if she saw how they are treated in the world. 

Fate turns to him and says 'And, in your opinion, they (autistic people) aren't 'people'? If they can't hold a spoon properly then that's it, they're not even human now, in your opinion?' 

Distraught, the soldier gives up his ticket and goes to the back of the queue ('Hell'). But on the way, someone (who was being carried by another as he couldn't walk) shouts to him

'I don't care who I'm born as, it matters to me that there will always be someone who understands me'

He considers this and then sprints back to the transport pulling away to the next life, and manages to get aboard. He is reborn as a severely autistic man who in his adult years wins a Fields medal. As he is giving a presentation, Fate watches him from the crowd of spectators. 

The film ends by showing many famous autistic people over the years, such as Dmitri Shostakovich, Grigori Perelman, and others. 

can't say I have any "friends".  I know a small group of people for 5 years and we go for a curry occasionally, perhaps 5 times a year but last was 5 months ago. We have many things in common - I just think ND ain't one.

They are perhaps the closest I have to friends - I've not seen them since my diagnosis and not sure they would necessarily understand my anxiety before, during and after each meet up, although I could be wrong and if I disclosed (very limited few so far) then maybe they wouldn't be that surprised. 

No doubt will be thinking about it, when the next WhatsApp "fancy a curry" message goes out - which think may be in next few weeks.

Do you meet them as a group ? as it may be easier speaking to each individually.  I find it hard have a conversation when there's more than a couple of other people there, and find myself on the edge of other conversations.

I don't think they ever do really understand, or us them as others have pointed out. I'm a very reclusive sort of person and don't have many friends by choice, those few I do have, I tend to do certain things with, like dog walking, one of my dog walking friends is interested in some of the same things as me so we have good conversations, but she's not there often, so we mostly talk about our dogs and food.

I think thats sort of how it has to be with NT's you can be there for each other and stuff like that, but in mnay areas of life you just pass like ships in the night. One of the problems I've found with NT people, particulalry women, is that they want to keep the "group" together when planing on doing anything, I've felt really uncomfortable on many occaisions when because of my various food intolerances I don't want to go to a restaurant they all want to go to, I'm quite happy for them to go without me and for me to go home and do something else, they don't get that and try and find compromises or theres some subtle and sometimes no so subtle bullying for me to go along with them. It seems to lead to an exhausting amount of conflict and aggravation to my brain, so much so that I don't even want to out with them anymore.

Unfortunately, this is very common. 

You might find these articles, which explain more, helpful:

Reframing Autism (AU) - Milton’s ‘double Empathy Problem’: A Summary for Non-academics

NAS - The double empathy problem (professional guidance, written by Dr Milton)

Perhaps you could find a polite way to invite your friends to learn a little more about autism? There's a great set of introductory resources here, for example:

NAS - What is autism?

I'm really sorry to hear that. 

Same here- I have autism and routinely run into situations in which people don't understand me and my autism, sometimes with catastrophic consequences. I was bullied out of a society once because of that. 

The good thing is, the people who do understand you "despite" this are the ones who you should genuinely treasure. Even if there is one such person. The right people will accept you and see your value. Even if you couldn't talk at all, there would still be such people. 

I literally have 4 friends (strangely all of the opposite gender). That's it. But the two close ones are incredibly caring and supportive. One of them seems like she is autistic too, but the other most certainly is not and despite that remains warm and caring to me, before and after she found out about my diagnosis. 

I'd rather have one such friend who gets me and supports me completely like the 10 I was trying to have in the society who never understood me and got angry at me no matter what I did. 

I know what you mean, but it can be difficult to imagine that someone thinks or feels differently.

I find it difficult to imagine what it must be like to have no special interests that can consume your thoughts, to not plan stuff out in advance, to not notice the sounds of birdsong, to continually want to socialise in busy environments, and many many other NT traits.

It's known as the double empathy problem.