Fear of intimacy

Hi everyone

I have just joined the NAS.  I am 61 years old and I am on the waiting list to be screened for autism.  My great-nephew was diagnosed a few years ago, then my niece (his mother), my nephew and my brother, all scored highly on the test. The tests that I did showed that I may be borderline autistic or one test suggested high-functioning autism.

I had never thought about autism before but I am an alcoholic.  I've been sober for 20 years now.  It took  me a long time to get to know the real me.  In hindsight, I realise that I masked the whole time I was in high school.  I have traits that I believe to be autistic.  I have been single the whole time I've been sober.  Now someone has come into my life but I have a true fear of intimacy (which would normally take place with alcohol).  I wondered if anyone else had experience of this, and what they did to try and overcome it.

  • There is a big difference between alcoholism and autism.  I have worked with autistic people

    There is a big difference, but masking exists in both worlds.  People use alcohol for a multitude of reasons, including having to face realities - & your counsellor should have been aware of that. 

    I think it is good that you found a different counsellor, with a different approach & a broader understanding.

  • Thank you so much for your reply.  I had trauma counselling last year for past events.  I spoke to the counselor about possibly being autistic, and using alcohol as a masking tool.  Her reply was to abruptly say, "Let me stop you there.  There is a big difference between alcoholism and autism.  I have worked with autistic people."  Needless to say, I asked for a different counsellor who was much more understanding.  I do firmly believe that I did use alcohol to mask my true self.  

    I think you are right to say that I need to be my true self and I have spoken to my friend about my fears etc.  He has been very understanding, saying that he is willing to go as slowly as I need to.  

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.  

    Best wishes.

  • My view on masking is probably slightly different to some.  I believe everyone does it, but for different reasons.  Neurotypical people seem to act - their version of masking, very easily, and we seem to view their behaviours as social graces and nuances.  Those with autism mask - I feel - due to necessity and self-preservation.

    I note you say you are an alcoholic and suggest you are autistic because you've taken tests which suggest as much (and they are fairly accurate) and you have masked.  Alcohol can be used as a form of masking - I've seen people use it to put up barriers and to change their behaviours deliberately - to increase confidence and portray themselves differently.  

    I think it is a big step to embark on a relationship after a long time single.  I'd think I'd be wanting to be my true self in the position you describe, and not fall-in to another masking situation, either by accident or design.  I'd be working toward explaining (but not over-explaining) my feelings toward this new partner because doing so is such an important step in terms of trust.   The more you don't say, the more you repress, in my experience, and that can include intimacy.  

    Of course trusting someone comes with risks, but explaining feelings and listening & hearing is a two-way street.  Both sharing experiences of life, and trusting the other with the information heard.  There are no rules, and there's no rush.

    I wish you all the best.