Autism and only children

Sorry that you didn’t want people who aren’t an only child replying. There are a few generalisations in your comments about people with siblings being aggressive. My intention was not one of aggression and I am sorry that you feel that way about people with siblings. 

I‘m sorry if i misunderstood your post that wasn’t my intention at all. I just found it interesting and wanted to share some of my own experiences that I felt was relevant I didn’t realise it wasn’t my bad. I agree with you that being an only child is a completely different experience. I think what I was trying to express that for me personally having siblings didn’t really shape how I interacted with others or any of my other autistic traits . It’s weird I didn’t have a massive dramatic negative relationship with my siblings. I have just always never known how to naturally interact with others which includes my siblings. My inability to initiate socialising with my siblings was mirrored when I started school. Again I’m sorry if I have said the wrong thing I just felt your experience and some of the points you brought up were interesting and I wanted to pipe in with something. 

That's interesting Homebird, I think most only children do spend far more time with adults than children and in some ways grow an intellectual understanding of some topics way beyond thier years, just because if you wan to be included, you have to be able to ask questions and talk at a more adult level than a child one. I never stayed with anyone else until I was about 13, and even then it was with my grandparents. My parents weren't social people so we rarely had visitors even family, so I never really learned socialising from them, pretty much everything I learned about socialising was from books and telly, so I was often very far off course and bullied for it. I wonder how much 'not being used to it' is ignored with only children and autists?

Oddly the second paragraph of your post has just popped up?

I knew an only child much like the friend you described, all his extended family lived nearby and so all the cousins played together and were in and out of each others houses, his experience is very different from many other onlies.

Maybe the competitiveness thing is mostly just me and not part of being autistic?

I was an only child until age 5 when my sibling arrived, and rarely played with other kids before I went to school. I didn't want a sibling, I was quite happy doing things on my own, and because of the age gap we were not close. I did have a few cousins around my age who I would be taken to visit occasionally - I got on ok with them, and we were not competitive. I would sometimes play with my younger sibling when I was primary school age, because I could be in charge and direct the play. But once I got into my teens I didn't want a younger sibling hanging around me if I went out to meet my favourite cousin. I sound like an awful big sister, but I wasn't horrible and didn't tease my sibling, I just would have preferred to be an only child. I did feel very different as a child, even different from my own family, and once wondered if I was adopted (I wasn't)

I am also not really competitive, I wonder if that's a common autistic female trait?

I am an only child. I have wondered if the fact that I was used to entertaining myself made it more difficult to recognise the autism. I did spend a lot of time with adults as my Mum was very hospitable. I do know that I found staying with others when  my Mum was not around was difficult, but again thought it was because I was not used to it 

Interestingly I had a friend who was an only child and she had no problems socialising. She did have cousins nearby with whom she spent some time. I did have friends at school, but I think mostly it was because I was part of a group who made friends with others. Also I mostly went home for lunch as all my schools were nearby. I always found it more difficult if I was there for the long lunch break, especially when I started school. 

You ask about competitiveness and I am competitive. I played board games a lot, mainly with parents, but they didn't let me win.

So some of you have siblings who you didn't get on with, so far so normal, sorry but I feel that some of you are missing the point I was trying to make, which is how being an only child compounds autistic traits. Maybe I didn't word my OP very well? One of the things I notice about people with siblings they didn't get on with and maybe still don't, is an underlying feeling of aggression towards those of us who are only children, I've been told many times by people with siblings that having them isn't a guarantee of a happy childhood, I know that, but when I talk to other only children they do feel that there are things that they didn't learn as an only child, they also feel that those with siblings are often hostile towards onlies, I was particulalry asking about autism and being an only child. It's not that I'm uninterested in other people's childhoods, but I don't think that being an only and having siblings you don't get on with is the same. It feels a bit similar to the way that NT's talk to ND's, if that makes any sense. I know not all onlies will have the same experiences, although having parents who buy you loads of board games and then complain when you don't play with them seems quite common.

I’m a middle child. However, I don’t think this hasn’t really affected me much at all in relation to my autism or any other areas in my life. I found that I was still a lonely child and struggled to form friendships and get on with my peers at school. I don’t think having siblings helped me as even though my brother was only 2 years older than me we didn’t really play together or get along much at all and my little sister is 6 years younger than me.

As a person as well I’m not competitive whatsoever. I feel like this is because of how I was brought up with my parents never comparing academic accomplishments and achievements. My brother has ADHD and had lots of behaviour problems at school so that might have been part of it. Due to the age gap between my little sister and me and my brother we were never compared to each other. 

• I have a sibling but we didn’t share anything in common so much of my time at home was spent alone. In fact, I used to have fleeting thoughts about what it would be like to have a sister or brother, and then remind myself that it mightn’t be any different and that I might still be playing alone. I am quite a competitive person but I suspect that trait came from trying to emulate a competitive father rather than my sister. Though who knows what underlying psychological dynamic was playing out subconsciously.  I know a competitive person who has three siblings. Two were highly competitive cross country runners, but one sibling is a couch potato and a keeper of the peace in the family. I wonder if there is any correlation between competitiveness and personality. 

Thats interesting Martin, competition and competitivemess both confuse and scare me, you seem to have arrived on this planet with it and I didn't. I think being an only child has made me more generous too, maybe it was the shock of being called selfish at school, I wasn't, I just didn't really know how to share because I'd never had to do it before.

Whan I had my own two children I was horrified because they fought all the time, I really beat myself up for being a terrible mother because my children appeared to hate each other, it took me a long time to realise this was normal.

Being an only child dosent' mean you don't get compared unfavourabley to other children, it happens and it's horrible and you don't understand why.

I'm not saying that to not be an only child would be better, just different, I do think there are lots of things you don't learn as an only child, like sitting down and having tea with someone you've just had a massive fight with.

Before I had my diagnosis and was trying to find out more about myself, as well as a lot of negativity around only children anyway, I learnt about learning windows. From the research I read it would seem that there are periods in a persons development when their brains are open to learning particular things, like language for instance and social cues too. After a time of no stimulation it seems that these windows close and it's very very hard to open them again and people either fail to learn or they only become conciously competant. A lot of the research was based on feral children, those who had been brought up by animals, usually dogs, many came from Russia after the collapse of the Soviet Union. It was fascinating not just about what these children could tell us about our own "normal" development, but what they could tell us about the subtleties of canine communication.

Has anyone else heard of learning windows, is it still a thing?

I am an only child. I am quite competitive, however, to the extent that I no longer play card or board games, because I have recognised that I am a really bad loser. However, I think that being an only child, contrary to received wisdom, has made me more generous. Unlike my two children, I never went through the measuring the level of pop in a glass with a ruler, to ensure equal shares, phase.

I think that having a sibling, especially an older sister, would have helped me to be more socially adept.