Feel like a failure

Hello Rach91,

I hear you.  Something a bit similar happened to me when I was asked to join somebody I have known for a long time at their home for "Elevenses" morning coffee "just us".  Which I accepted. 

On arrival, at first, things seemed OK.  Then I realised I could hear some quiet (odd) sounds coming from one of those internet-connected speakers on their windowsill in the room where we were sat with our coffee.  (I am aware that my hearing is better than that of my host's, so I didn't draw attention to the sounds). 

When I asked the host if we were here "just us", they admitted that a relative was visiting (I realised that I could see them through the window from where I was sat, as they were in the garden in clear line of sight to us with our coffee). 

I suggested to the host that we move to another room "in case their relative needed to come indoors out of the poor weather". 

We sat down in a different room, with the door shut, and resumed our conversation.

It soon became clear (to me, but not to my host) that, not only had the visiting relative come in from the garden.  They were now, by the sounds of footsteps movement and moving stuff around, hovering, for quite some time, just the other side of the door.  It seemed to me that visiting relative was eavesdropping on our conversation.  

Although I had originially intended to stay for a longer catch-up chat about a number of important things, I made my excuses and left early as it seemed rather creepy behaviour.

As  I left, I noticed the visiting relative had chosed not to use the first room we had vacated.  Instead, they had taken the trouble to move items into the area of the house just outside the door of our second room location (where, usually, there is never anything at all - it is just a hallway / corridor area).

At the time I felt badly that I had let the host down by not staying for the longer conversation.

However, sometimes I believe you have to trust and act on your instincts and, as people can say "vote with your feet" (remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation).  For me, it can be part of my safeguarding strategy or energy conservation tactic.  I am aware I might not always "get it right" but I have to be happy with my decision (instead of putting other people's view first over my needs).  

I had wondered: was I right about the eavesdropping, or did I over react (fight, flight, or freeze ...anyone?).

Recently, I found out that the host had a close friend experience something similar too. 

The eavesdropping by the visiting relative relative has now been "addressed" (it would be incorrect for me to share that part of the story) and everyone is a little wiser to the issues involved. 

Hopefully, I can resume my conversation with the host sometime soon.  I know, via a message from a trusted third person, they feel as much embarrassed about it as I did at the time.  I am going to put a brief handwritten notelet into the host's letterbox (to ensure that the host knows: all is well and that the strange behaviour by their visiting relative that time ought not to hinder our continued accquaintance over a coffee sometime in the future as suits us both).

From what you said in your post, it sounds like your Friend understands about being Neurodivergent.  Hopefully you two will be able to move forwards and see each other in a way which suits the two of you.

I know my coffee host accquaintance has a good friend who is Neurodivergent (and the host has some good awareness of what that experience can be like for their friend), so I am hopeful the host and I will also move forwards and "pick up where we left off" with our chat over a coffee sometime soon too.    

I say well done for keeping yourself safe and not going inside where you knew it would be too much to handle. Also well done for making that phone call afterwards, I think that your friend would have really appreciated that and offering an explanation would have helped the other guy understand as well. 

Thanks for your reply. Perhaps you could arrange to meet over a virtual platform (e.g., Google Meets, Microsoft Teams, Zoom etc). That way you can meet new people, in the comfort of your favourite place. Plus, you can choose to hide screen/mute if it helps you feel more comfortable, or briefly leave whenever you want a brief break, then return to the social situation whenever you wish.

Unfortunately it’s not realistic as the other person over my friends tonight isn’t a friend and he doesn’t do cafe’s restaurants or anything like that. 

Good_Vibes365 said:

How does that sound?

Unreal.

That sounds super great to hear . Perhaps, you and your two friends could arrange to meet in a bigger and more open environment like the local park, shopping centre or food market. That way, you can walk away, enjoy your quiet time then return to the social situation whenever you feel ready. How does that sound?

Thanks for this and I am an out going person I go to places where I can meet people but their places I feel comfortable going to. I can go to my friends flat but only if it’s just him there and no one else. For me to meet people the environment can’t be enclosed it has to be big enough for me to be able to walk away have my quiet time and to then go back to a social situation. 

Hello Rach91,

Thank you for sharing this with the community. I am really sorry you had to go through this, but I can reassure you that you are NOT a failure, and that many people would feel anxious by unexpected changes (e.g., last minute visitors, cancelled plans etc.). I really admire how you chose to own your decision and apologise to your friends about your unexpected departure, and it was lovely that your friends were really nice and forgiving. It seems as though you found yourself 2 really nice, supportive friends who both happen to be on the spectrum J

If you are interested, you might want to visit the NAS Making Friends – a guide for autistic adults. Here, you can get more insights into why some autistic people might get scared meeting new people (e.g., struggling to interpret confusing small talk and social cues), and some suggestions on how one can overcome their fears (e.g., try identifying a new place to go each week like a local shop or library, to gradually become more comfortable, and confident around more diverse people and/or in more diverse environments).

Please reach out to us if you would like any more guidance and support with anything.

Kind regards,

Good_Vibes365