Feel like a failure

Hello Rach91,

I hear you.  Something a bit similar happened to me when I was asked to join somebody I have known for a long time at their home for "Elevenses" morning coffee "just us".  Which I accepted. 

On arrival, at first, things seemed OK.  Then I realised I could hear some quiet (odd) sounds coming from one of those internet-connected speakers on their windowsill in the room where we were sat with our coffee.  (I am aware that my hearing is better than that of my host's, so I didn't draw attention to the sounds). 

When I asked the host if we were here "just us", they admitted that a relative was visiting (I realised that I could see them through the window from where I was sat, as they were in the garden in clear line of sight to us with our coffee). 

I suggested to the host that we move to another room "in case their relative needed to come indoors out of the poor weather". 

We sat down in a different room, with the door shut, and resumed our conversation.

It soon became clear (to me, but not to my host) that, not only had the visiting relative come in from the garden.  They were now, by the sounds of footsteps movement and moving stuff around, hovering, for quite some time, just the other side of the door.  It seemed to me that visiting relative was eavesdropping on our conversation.  

Although I had originially intended to stay for a longer catch-up chat about a number of important things, I made my excuses and left early as it seemed rather creepy behaviour.

As  I left, I noticed the visiting relative had chosed not to use the first room we had vacated.  Instead, they had taken the trouble to move items into the area of the house just outside the door of our second room location (where, usually, there is never anything at all - it is just a hallway / corridor area).

At the time I felt badly that I had let the host down by not staying for the longer conversation.

However, sometimes I believe you have to trust and act on your instincts and, as people can say "vote with your feet" (remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation).  For me, it can be part of my safeguarding strategy or energy conservation tactic.  I am aware I might not always "get it right" but I have to be happy with my decision (instead of putting other people's view first over my needs).  

I had wondered: was I right about the eavesdropping, or did I over react (fight, flight, or freeze ...anyone?).

Recently, I found out that the host had a close friend experience something similar too. 

The eavesdropping by the visiting relative relative has now been "addressed" (it would be incorrect for me to share that part of the story) and everyone is a little wiser to the issues involved. 

Hopefully, I can resume my conversation with the host sometime soon.  I know, via a message from a trusted third person, they feel as much embarrassed about it as I did at the time.  I am going to put a brief handwritten notelet into the host's letterbox (to ensure that the host knows: all is well and that the strange behaviour by their visiting relative that time ought not to hinder our continued accquaintance over a coffee sometime in the future as suits us both).

From what you said in your post, it sounds like your Friend understands about being Neurodivergent.  Hopefully you two will be able to move forwards and see each other in a way which suits the two of you.

I know my coffee host accquaintance has a good friend who is Neurodivergent (and the host has some good awareness of what that experience can be like for their friend), so I am hopeful the host and I will also move forwards and "pick up where we left off" with our chat over a coffee sometime soon too.    

Hello Rach91,

I hear you.  Something a bit similar happened to me when I was asked to join somebody I have known for a long time at their home for "Elevenses" morning coffee "just us".  Which I accepted. 

On arrival, at first, things seemed OK.  Then I realised I could hear some quiet (odd) sounds coming from one of those internet-connected speakers on their windowsill in the room where we were sat with our coffee.  (I am aware that my hearing is better than that of my host's, so I didn't draw attention to the sounds). 

When I asked the host if we were here "just us", they admitted that a relative was visiting (I realised that I could see them through the window from where I was sat, as they were in the garden in clear line of sight to us with our coffee). 

I suggested to the host that we move to another room "in case their relative needed to come indoors out of the poor weather". 

We sat down in a different room, with the door shut, and resumed our conversation.

It soon became clear (to me, but not to my host) that, not only had the visiting relative come in from the garden.  They were now, by the sounds of footsteps movement and moving stuff around, hovering, for quite some time, just the other side of the door.  It seemed to me that visiting relative was eavesdropping on our conversation.  

Although I had originially intended to stay for a longer catch-up chat about a number of important things, I made my excuses and left early as it seemed rather creepy behaviour.

As  I left, I noticed the visiting relative had chosed not to use the first room we had vacated.  Instead, they had taken the trouble to move items into the area of the house just outside the door of our second room location (where, usually, there is never anything at all - it is just a hallway / corridor area).

At the time I felt badly that I had let the host down by not staying for the longer conversation.

However, sometimes I believe you have to trust and act on your instincts and, as people can say "vote with your feet" (remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation).  For me, it can be part of my safeguarding strategy or energy conservation tactic.  I am aware I might not always "get it right" but I have to be happy with my decision (instead of putting other people's view first over my needs).  

I had wondered: was I right about the eavesdropping, or did I over react (fight, flight, or freeze ...anyone?).

Recently, I found out that the host had a close friend experience something similar too. 

The eavesdropping by the visiting relative relative has now been "addressed" (it would be incorrect for me to share that part of the story) and everyone is a little wiser to the issues involved. 

Hopefully, I can resume my conversation with the host sometime soon.  I know, via a message from a trusted third person, they feel as much embarrassed about it as I did at the time.  I am going to put a brief handwritten notelet into the host's letterbox (to ensure that the host knows: all is well and that the strange behaviour by their visiting relative that time ought not to hinder our continued accquaintance over a coffee sometime in the future as suits us both).

From what you said in your post, it sounds like your Friend understands about being Neurodivergent.  Hopefully you two will be able to move forwards and see each other in a way which suits the two of you.

I know my coffee host accquaintance has a good friend who is Neurodivergent (and the host has some good awareness of what that experience can be like for their friend), so I am hopeful the host and I will also move forwards and "pick up where we left off" with our chat over a coffee sometime soon too.