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Feel like a failure

Rach91

Today was my friends birthday and I was supposed to be over his tonight and it was just going to be the two of us. Earlier on he rings me and says his mate that I’m not comfortable around was going to be joining us and I just freaked out. My friend calmed me down and reassured me that things will be ok and he wanted the two of us there. I made my way up but it took me ages as I was so anxious in the end I managed to get to outside his flat door but I couldn’t go any further. My friend was trying to calm me down and kept reassuring me then his mate speaks and that was it the final straw I ran out of the building in tears. I feel awful his mates not a bad person but I couldn’t be in that social situation. After I had calmed down I phoned my friend to say I was going home and I would see him tomorrow instead just him. I apologised over the phone and his mate was really nice about it but I feel awful I’m not there now. All three of us are on the spectrum and with me I get scared meeting new people and I have to be in the right environment to be able to do that and tonight wasn’t that environment sadly. 

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  • Hello Rach91,

    Thank you for sharing this with the community. I am really sorry you had to go through this, but I can reassure you that you are NOT a failure, and that many people would feel anxious by unexpected changes (e.g., last minute visitors, cancelled plans etc.). I really admire how you chose to own your decision and apologise to your friends about your unexpected departure, and it was lovely that your friends were really nice and forgiving. It seems as though you found yourself 2 really nice, supportive friends who both happen to be on the spectrum J

    If you are interested, you might want to visit the NAS Making Friends – a guide for autistic adults. Here, you can get more insights into why some autistic people might get scared meeting new people (e.g., struggling to interpret confusing small talk and social cues), and some suggestions on how one can overcome their fears (e.g., try identifying a new place to go each week like a local shop or library, to gradually become more comfortable, and confident around more diverse people and/or in more diverse environments).

    Please reach out to us if you would like any more guidance and support with anything.

    Kind regards,

    Good_Vibes365

  • in reply to Good_Vibes365

    Thanks for this and I am an out going person I go to places where I can meet people but their places I feel comfortable going to. I can go to my friends flat but only if it’s just him there and no one else. For me to meet people the environment can’t be enclosed it has to be big enough for me to be able to walk away have my quiet time and to then go back to a social situation. 

  • in reply to Rach91

    That sounds super great to hear Slight smile. Perhaps, you and your two friends could arrange to meet in a bigger and more open environment like the local park, shopping centre or food market. That way, you can walk away, enjoy your quiet time then return to the social situation whenever you feel ready. How does that sound?

  • in reply to Rach91

    Thanks for your reply. Perhaps you could arrange to meet over a virtual platform (e.g., Google Meets, Microsoft Teams, Zoom etc). That way you can meet new people, in the comfort of your favourite place. Plus, you can choose to hide screen/mute if it helps you feel more comfortable, or briefly leave whenever you want a brief break, then return to the social situation whenever you wish.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Unfortunately it’s not realistic as the other person over my friends tonight isn’t a friend and he doesn’t do cafe’s restaurants or anything like that. 

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