I prefer to chat with just one or two people - more than that and it doesn't feel so comfortable. In a group, communication feels more forced and less natural to me. Is this because there are too many people to focus on and the conversation becomes more "random"?
Does anyone have any knowledge or ideas about this?
I used to try following what you observe on tv too - as you say, doesn’t work in real life. Think that’s why I used to watch so many soaps when I was a teenager - everyone assumed it’s because I liked that kind of trashy telly (which I don’t have a problem with), but I’ve now realised decades later that I was watching it to try and learn about people and interaction. Led to lots of social errors in my teens and early 20s
I have experience of this and more than I would like to have. It just spells disaster for me trying to keep track of what is being said and then trying to think of something to add. It leaves me well behind in the conversation and results in people laughing at my expense and me feeling like I failed socially. There are a small minority of people who I can manage in numbers of 4 or 5 individuals but there is a time limit.
Yes, I prefer one on one and essentially all my socialising is 1:1, mostly over phone (or video call) and sometimes in person. I don’t even remember the last time I was forced to socialise in a group - it’s not something I would choose to do.
I think I'm the odd one out.
With people I don't know I'd much prefer 2-3 of them. With 1 person one of two things always seems to happen:
1) I run out of small talk and there's an awkward silence while I try to think of a suitable thing to say. They get bored and leave.
Or;
2) They go off on a monologue about something they want to talk about without seeming to want or need any response from me. I feel trapped as, much as I don't want to spend an hour pinned against the wall hearing how terrible their last partner was or details of their latest colonoscopy, I'm stuck with it. I don't know how to change the subject or get away from them or signal to someone else to rescue me.
It's so much safer with 2-3 people. I can dip into the conversation when I have something that seems relevant. If I don't have anything to say, or lose the thread, I can just listen to them without the pressure on me to keep up "my end" of the conversation and not stood on my own as an obvious target for a monologue person to hone in on.
For me it is timing when it is my turn to speak that becomes exponentially more difficult as numbers in a conversation increase. I have a weekly Skype call with two old friends from schooldays. Obviously, I am very comfortable talking to them, but even so I probably speak for a fraction of the time the others do, which I think is down to timing problems.
Thanks for this question. I didn't know that it was a question that I also needed to ask (I'm recently diagnosed).
I usually don't have a problem talking to one other person but, more often than not, bring another person into the conversation and I sit back and let them entertain themselves. I often completely zone out of their conversation but sometimes hear something that piques my interest which is when I blurt out something, usually inappropriate.
I always thought that I just didn't have any interest in the conversations but now I'm thinking that it's a combination of no interest and the delayed processing making it hard work to follow what they're talking about.
Same with me. With one other person it is clear to me who talks when, with two close friends I can manage. One situation with 3 of my friends I can do, but that is because we're playing a board game at the same time so we're focused, plus we're all quite civil waiting for others to finish talking.
Gatherings though, like at work or family, that is where the struggle is. Usually there is more than one conversation happening at the same time, so then I can't decide which one I should focus on, meaning I'll try to hear both (impossible). Or, if I focus on just one then I'll be distracted by the noise of the other one.
What I noticed recently was that I try to follow the rules as they appear on a TV show of film, you'll notice that dialogue between characters always flows well because it's meant to drive the story. Even on a wartorn battlefield, somehow the characters can have a perfectly well heard and well flowing conversation. But real life isn't like that at all, it's messy, noisy and people talk over each other all the time.
One to One for me, struggle with groups, sometimes I seem to start off ok and then my energy/focus seems to dissolve and I am left pretending to be a part of it, waiting for the moment to escape!
I prefer chatting with one person if poss, more than one person is an exhausting ordeal and a lot of stress bc there's so much to focus on all at one time. I prefer communicating through txt digitally like I am now, if I could do this in every social situation I would. One on one in person works best for me.
All I can say is that I prefer to speak with someone one-on-one because I can focus and engage meaningfully on that basis.
In larger groups, I feel that "person A" would need me to converse in "way A" and "person B" would need me to converse in "way B" in order for me to communicate the same thing to these two different people.......but you can only explain it once when taking to person A and person B at the same time....so I have to compromise my preferred means to transmit my message. I find that frustrating and the compromises make my already 'obscure' communications, muddled and messy.
I can only say I have similar experience. For me the only way I can communicate is me + 1 person. If it’s me +2 people- it’s a crowd. I can’t manage it and just naturally fall out because these two get busy with their chat, they gesticulate and get excited about their topic. This unfortunately also applies to my family. I know I process information slower than others it takes me longer to understand and answer or react etc. do this issue may be also related to this. This is my persistent problem my whole life. I’ve absolutely never managed to be like others in social chitchat. It used to upset me a lot. Now I kinda accepted that I just can’t. Maybe the explanation is autism or maybe some other delay or disorder. I had some developmental irregularities as a child so there might be something else.
I am the same as you Pixiefox except I can’t manage to follow the conversation with two other people. During my autism assessment, the clinical psychologist said that autistic people can have difficulties processing the conversation when it involves more than one other person. The timing of when to speak and when to stay silent is a complete mystery to me. I really can’t understand how somebody can speak their turn and it appears seamless to me. I know what I should be doing (or I think I do), but I can’t work out how to get the timing right.
Even with 2 other people I find it difficult to know when my turn to speak is. I find it so hard and either say nothing or end up interrupting. I'm honestly baffled how people manage to just take turns in a group conversation, it seems like an impossible skill to me.
This offers quite a good explanation of at least some of it, I think:
