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Recalibration

RnR

Dear NAS Community,

Just saying 'hello' now that I'm in the club (still waiting for my badge and certificate... Wink).

I received my diagnosis just a few weeks ago (I turn 50 next month). The clues were always there, but it was only when significant changes at work started that my wife persuaded me that getting a formal diagnosis might be wise. I am a teacher and head of department, and enjoy the routine, the relative autonomy, and ruling my own (mini) domain. I was extremely fortunate that my assessment was expedited (I don't know the reason, but suspect a combination of postcode lottery and comprehensive list of evidence provided for the referral) and was seen in only 3 months, rather than 3 years. The process itself left me feeling raw and vulnerable, but the team were fantastic, and I had an excellent follow up appointment last week, in which I was able to discuss all of the challenges I face on a daily basis. and I am looking forward to receiving information signposting services and organisations to support me in the future, based on that discussion.

Post-diagnosis, I am trying to be more accepting of (and kinder to) myself. I am open with friends and colleagues about my diagnosis and am happy to talk at length about it to anyone who will listen (it has fast become a new special interest Laughing). It still isn't easy, though. It seems like everything I knew about my position in the world has been shifted, and I'm still trying to recalibrate to life through this alternate lens. I am also having to face up to challenges that have always been there, but have been masked, camouflaged, glossed over or simply avoided or ignored.

I have a loving wife and kids, but they are now coming to terms with the fact that when I said things like 'I don't miss you when you are away, I just note your physical absence...' it wasn't a joke. They are having to recalibrate as well. The love is still there on both sides, but it is the realisation that the love language is incomprehensible much of the time (on both sides) and this is unlikely to change... so how to move forward with this new understanding?

I am conscious that I have used alcohol as a tool, a crutch, a friend, an anaesthetic, an excuse and in countless other guises over the decades, and clearly have an unhealthy dependency, for which I have precisely zero motivation to change - is this an Autism thing, or just me?

I shun social interactions in favour of my 'cave' and my own interests - I don't have a problem with this, but I am aware that my family struggle with my preference for solitude and solitary pursuits.

I have lived as me my entire life, but now I have no idea where the real me ends and the masked me begins... can they be separated? Are they one and the same or two separate entities? So much to get my head around that I return instead to my gaming console and alcohol...

If you made it this far, thank you. If you can offer any pearls of wisdom on dealing with any of the above, I'd be extremely grateful.

  • I came across your post a few days ago and it struck a lot of my chords with myself. I  think you are further down the track than I am, I've been wresting with this beast for a couple of weeks. I don't have any pearls of wisdom I think you mentioned something about being kind to yourself, that resonated with me, something I need to practise more often! I hope things work out for you and best wishes!

  • in reply to Another Autistician

    Thank you. Understanding that this will be an ongoing process is part of the recalibration required. I appreciate all the support and sentiments offered. Pray

  • Welcome aboard!

    Lots of us have had a very similar experience of life, having issues all the way along but not finding out the underlying reason until this age, weirdly hitting 50 seems to be common time to end up with an issue that pushes you over the edge and to make "that call" and get help, usually resulting in a diagnosis of autism.

    It's a daunting time, the relief to know why, grieving what you know you can't ever be, replaying all your memories with a new perspective and lense that makes you see why some things happened and also feel bad about them too.

    You'll look at how much you mask, realising just how deep it goes, I even still mask when I'm alone, doing things and making decisions based on what the people I think are right/normal would. Or should I say "I did" as this is something I'm making a conscious effort to stop doing, being more authentic but taking time to be careful of other people's feelings, if I expect people to adjust for me, I should also accept that I'll need to reciprocate.

    Over time you can understand pick all this and decide what to keep and what to throw out, you can be kinder to yourself knowing that you aren't going to be able to deal with certain things as well as others and will find them exhausting , you'll see where your strengths are and where you can shine where others struggle too.

    Take your time to work through all this, there's no right or wrong way, or a time limit. Personally I think the adjustment and understanding will continue for a very long time. I'm a year in now and have made huge progress, but I'm only at the beginning.

    There's lots of experience, support and a sense of being around "like minded folks" on here. It's an oasis of sense in a crazy world.

    Stay safe, stay positive, don't pressure yourself and keep us posted. I know I speak for the masses on here in saying "we're here to help and support eachother".

  • Hi and welcome to the forum. Others have already offered some good advice so I'll just say - it takes time so have patience and ask us anything you want - and don't be too hard on yourself.

  • RnR said:
    I am conscious that I have used alcohol as a tool, a crutch, a friend, an anaesthetic, an excuse and in countless other guises over the decades, and clearly have an unhealthy dependency, for which I have precisely zero motivation to change - is this an Autism thing, or just me?

    This also applied to me, and I was told that it's not uncommon among late-diagnosed autistic adults.

    My assessors picked up on it as a major issue that I needed to address, for the good of my physical and mental health. Seeing my dependency then also referred to in black and white within their report proved very effective in encouraging me to make a change.

    If, as someone who's dependent on it, you do decide to stop consuming alcohol, then Drinkware suggest discussing it with your GP or an alcohol support service first. They have some advice articles here:

    Drinkaware - Advice and support

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thanks, Bunny. That looks like exactly the sort of thing to help us start on this journey.

    Much appreciated Slight smile

  • in reply to Mr T

    Thanks, Mr T, sage advice & much appreciated. Yep, a different Operating System.

  • Hi and welcome to the 'Latelings' club!!

    Us latelings often go through what you are describing. I know that I struggled really badly with masking. I know I do it but can't put my finger on exactly what I do.

    I try to unmask as much as I can at home but I realise that the big bad world needs me to mask for me to survive in it.

    What I am trying to say is we all go through this process similar to grief of 'ifs' and 'whys'. It takes time to fully accept, how long that is depends on you. There is no one answer except that whilst you are processing the enormity of the A word be kind to yourself.

    You have discovered you are not broken or weird but just you with some differences.

  • Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!

    It's great to hear that you've already received some post-diagnosis support and expect to receive more information on that soon.

    In case you haven't seen it, the NAS also has some great resources here:

    NAS - After diagnosis

    RnR said:
    I have a loving wife and kids, but they are now coming to terms with the fact that when I said things like 'I don't miss you when you are away, I just note your physical absence...' it wasn't a joke. They are having to recalibrate as well. The love is still there on both sides, but it is the realisation that the love language is incomprehensible much of the time (on both sides) and this is unlikely to change... so how to move forward with this new understanding?

    On this specific point, I recommend this book. It focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this now simply falls under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

    Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who each time. But that inconvenience felt well worth the effort to me.

    You and your wife might also find this NAS resource helpful:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people