• Replies 13 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 583 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Recalibration

RnR

Dear NAS Community,

Just saying 'hello' now that I'm in the club (still waiting for my badge and certificate... Wink).

I received my diagnosis just a few weeks ago (I turn 50 next month). The clues were always there, but it was only when significant changes at work started that my wife persuaded me that getting a formal diagnosis might be wise. I am a teacher and head of department, and enjoy the routine, the relative autonomy, and ruling my own (mini) domain. I was extremely fortunate that my assessment was expedited (I don't know the reason, but suspect a combination of postcode lottery and comprehensive list of evidence provided for the referral) and was seen in only 3 months, rather than 3 years. The process itself left me feeling raw and vulnerable, but the team were fantastic, and I had an excellent follow up appointment last week, in which I was able to discuss all of the challenges I face on a daily basis. and I am looking forward to receiving information signposting services and organisations to support me in the future, based on that discussion.

Post-diagnosis, I am trying to be more accepting of (and kinder to) myself. I am open with friends and colleagues about my diagnosis and am happy to talk at length about it to anyone who will listen (it has fast become a new special interest Laughing). It still isn't easy, though. It seems like everything I knew about my position in the world has been shifted, and I'm still trying to recalibrate to life through this alternate lens. I am also having to face up to challenges that have always been there, but have been masked, camouflaged, glossed over or simply avoided or ignored.

I have a loving wife and kids, but they are now coming to terms with the fact that when I said things like 'I don't miss you when you are away, I just note your physical absence...' it wasn't a joke. They are having to recalibrate as well. The love is still there on both sides, but it is the realisation that the love language is incomprehensible much of the time (on both sides) and this is unlikely to change... so how to move forward with this new understanding?

I am conscious that I have used alcohol as a tool, a crutch, a friend, an anaesthetic, an excuse and in countless other guises over the decades, and clearly have an unhealthy dependency, for which I have precisely zero motivation to change - is this an Autism thing, or just me?

I shun social interactions in favour of my 'cave' and my own interests - I don't have a problem with this, but I am aware that my family struggle with my preference for solitude and solitary pursuits.

I have lived as me my entire life, but now I have no idea where the real me ends and the masked me begins... can they be separated? Are they one and the same or two separate entities? So much to get my head around that I return instead to my gaming console and alcohol...

If you made it this far, thank you. If you can offer any pearls of wisdom on dealing with any of the above, I'd be extremely grateful.

Parents

  • Welcome aboard!

    Lots of us have had a very similar experience of life, having issues all the way along but not finding out the underlying reason until this age, weirdly hitting 50 seems to be common time to end up with an issue that pushes you over the edge and to make "that call" and get help, usually resulting in a diagnosis of autism.

    It's a daunting time, the relief to know why, grieving what you know you can't ever be, replaying all your memories with a new perspective and lense that makes you see why some things happened and also feel bad about them too.

    You'll look at how much you mask, realising just how deep it goes, I even still mask when I'm alone, doing things and making decisions based on what the people I think are right/normal would. Or should I say "I did" as this is something I'm making a conscious effort to stop doing, being more authentic but taking time to be careful of other people's feelings, if I expect people to adjust for me, I should also accept that I'll need to reciprocate.

    Over time you can understand pick all this and decide what to keep and what to throw out, you can be kinder to yourself knowing that you aren't going to be able to deal with certain things as well as others and will find them exhausting , you'll see where your strengths are and where you can shine where others struggle too.

    Take your time to work through all this, there's no right or wrong way, or a time limit. Personally I think the adjustment and understanding will continue for a very long time. I'm a year in now and have made huge progress, but I'm only at the beginning.

    There's lots of experience, support and a sense of being around "like minded folks" on here. It's an oasis of sense in a crazy world.

    Stay safe, stay positive, don't pressure yourself and keep us posted. I know I speak for the masses on here in saying "we're here to help and support eachother".

  • in reply to Another Autistician

    Thank you. Understanding that this will be an ongoing process is part of the recalibration required. I appreciate all the support and sentiments offered. Pray

Reply Children
No Data