New here, am I in the right place?

Consider how much of your "traits" affect your daily life. My perspective is that some traits are indeed simply behaviour within a range of human being. Yes I listen to music tracks repetitively but it poses me no problems. I am a firm believer we are a product of our environment so if you have a relatively "good" set up you might not encounter the stresses as much as other autistic people. However, autism IS a communication difficulty / difference when compared with the predominant neurotype and its this which can pose huge problems. It might help to read up on "double empathy" which explains why there's often a dissonance in communication for both parties. It might also be worth reading up sbout executive functioning difficulties as this is often something neurodivergent individuals struggle with, and maybe read about monotropic thinking styles as this is a common aspect.

I'd say that none of the real you is diminished *by* autism, but rather that you have been authentically you and are are autistic to your core. It took me a while to get myself out of the headspace that our state of being is an 'ism' one has, like a condition - believing so is a side effect of the  inevitable neurotypical-accomodating lensing of all the initial academic (then eventually mainstream) language around the autistic experience.

Most likely, the quiet, introverted you who functions best at home is you at your truest. It's then the 'out there' evnvironment which requires you to reflexively mask (and always has) to survive it and to put neurotypical people at ease (as they are the majority, we learn early in life to accommodate them at our own expense). The 'reflexive' part is crucial, as you're not being wilfully deceptive, just needfully functioning as you always have - your form of breathing (or trying to) the oxygen of practically another species. 

I've been a little more reductive with my language than I'd like there, but in the interests of keeping it brief (a rare and imperfect attempt at conciseness from me!)...

There is no quick fix or one solution fits all. We all have different traits and these will affect each of us differently.

Remember you are allowed to not do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Embrace the change and try to just be you. It make time to unravel all those years of not knowing and your coping mechanisms.

I have said before that diagnosis (or self diagnosis) is like peeling an onion. Every time you think you have peeled back a layer there is another one. I don't know how you are with onions but there maybe some tears!

Eventually the 'what ifs' will slowly reduce in number as you realise you have always been autistic but just didn't know or realise it.

As Forest Gump says about life being a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get!

Thanks, early 50s. I have kinda arranged life around my needs which means I don't experience a lot of the downsides. For example, I deliberately live in a quiet place with little disturbance, I don't seek out social contact and work from home in a job which gives me a lot of control over my day. So I don't "suffer" as such. I do feel I am missing out on things. Avoidance can bring its own anxiety!

One thought I can't get away from is what is left of "me" if so much of my behaviour is explained by autism? I honestly thought it was just me. 

My brain keeps reminding me of things I've done in the past (e.g. unusual reactions) which are probably best explained by autistic traits and I now wonder how I'd have dealt with things without them.

Not sure how a diagnosis would help at this point, more interested in learning about what makes life better. Reading about masking makes me think I can train myself out of how I usually behave. This might not be the right direction at all of course!

For what it's worth, I didn't think that I stimmed (repetitive movements) until after I was diagnosed and then in recent months I realised:

• I pick the backs of my fingers with other fingers from the same hand.
• I tap out music - or do subtle finger movements.
• I bounce my leg
• If I am not being self-conscious, I do actually rock from side to side (not forward/backward) in stressful situations where I am standing up.

It may also be worth reading up about masking/camouflaging. Because if you are autistic and got to adulthood, then you most certainly will mask in one form or another.

Hi Samuel and welcome to the community!

Many of us here are "late realised" and/or "late diagnosed", so you're in good company! :)

We can't offer medical advice here, unfortunately, and the professionals involved in assessments also consider a lot of additional information beyond the screening tests.

If you haven't yet seen them, you might like to read through the various resources in the NAS's recently revamped diagnosis hub:

NAS - diagnosis hub

They cover all stages of the process, with each section containing several articles relating to that stage:

• Before diagnosis
• Assessment and diagnosis 
• After diagnosis 

For example, these articles (from "Before diagnosis") would perhaps make for a particularly timely read:

NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

NAS - How to request an autism assessment

If you live in England and decide to pursue a diagnosis, then you might like to read about requesting an assessment via Right to Choose (which enables access to private providers who might have shorter waiting lists than the NHS, but with your referral and assessment still fully funded by the NHS).

Some examples of Right to Choose providers are listed here, for example:

ADHD and ASD assessment – Right To Choose

You mention having already completed the Autism Quotient test (also referred to as AQ-50) with a score that suggests you might be autistic.

If you haven't already visited it, you might like to check out the website below, which provides very useful guidance and commentary for each screening questionnaire, and also enables them to be completed online (with scores calculated for you) and saved as PDFs. If the results support your suspicions and you decide to seek a formal diagnosis, they can then easily be printed off to take with you to the GP.

The AQ-10 or AQ-50 seem to be the most frequently used / required by GPs in support of NHS referrals. (RAADS-R might also be helpful, although some recent research has thrown doubt on its validity as a screening tool):

Embrace Autism - screening tests

Hi and welcome to the forum. The way you have described yourself sounds similar to me, although I scored 42 on the AQ50. Maybe you have learnt to mask or adapt, which has affected your score. Search online for the CAT-Q test which will show how much you camouflage autistic traits.

Don't worry about not having a formal diagnosis (I don't) - everyone is welcome here.

Welcome

I think you may be in the right place. What you have written sounds very much like late diagnosed autism to me.

I do not know how old you are but I was diagnosed in my fifties. Years of masking and thinking something was not right with me although I have had a sterling academic career but socially very awkward.

You do not need a formal diagnosis these days but helps if you need accommodations at work if you have a supportive employer / manager.

So hang around, read up on posts, ask questions and post yourself. Remember that we are all different here but share the A-word in our being

Hi Samuel50. Sounds like you fit right in here.  :-) Not everyone here has a formal diagnosis, and online self-assessment tools can be a bit of a blunt tool though your score does seem to lean towards the autistic anyway. Hope this post and others that I'm sure will be along momentarily will help reassure you that you've found your tribe, so to speak.