NT husband and ND wife (me!)

V1rtuoso77 said:

There are some things that he wants that I really don't though but there are no alternatives so I'm not yet sure how to deal with that. 

Perhaps you can agree some areas he has complete control over and some you have complete control over in order to ensure fairness. Anything that you both have to use all the time needs to be a joint decision though, even if it is to abdicate control to him for it.

If he really wants, say, a workbench in the garage then this could be one of his 100% things and something that is more important to you could be yours. Ideally they need to be of similar magnitudes though to keep it fair.

Would that work for you?

Glad for my own selfish reasons that it's not just me! Sorry you feel like this too though, it's rubbish isn't it? It all really messes with my head 

Yes, it might be, that's a good point. I think we need to get past deciding what we both want first though as it doesn't match right now :(

I'll have a look, thanks for replying!

Thank you, that's really helpful. It breaks down the steps and maybe I could deal with that. There are some things that he wants that I really don't though but there are no alternatives so I'm not yet sure how to deal with that. 

I could've written this myself, I'm 41 and experiencing exactly the same thing.

I am the same way around and have issues with things being done. The way I manage it is to work out what is most important or urgent and agree to changes over time. We arrange things so there are breaks between to recover. Is that possible? My biggest issue is having people around. The garden I coped with because we explained it was not possible to use the bathroom as  I work from home and they sourced a portaloo. 

This sounds familiar, I get asked what I think, I may need time to think about what I think or want, but then I find he's gone ahead with what he wants, or him asking my opinion is actually him asking for my agreement and a massive hissy fit ensues when he dosen't get it.

There are some free garden planning programs you can down load, maybe you could both have a play and see what you come up with? I'm sure there must be similar for houses?

V1rtuoso77 said:

he wants to make some big changes to our house and garden. I'm struggling as I don't know what I want,

Bunnymakes a good reference to a book on the subject that offers good advice.

On the practicalities you are facing I find it easier to use some old techniques I use for project management that may be adaptable to your situaiton.

1 - Agree what the need is.

Why do you need to change the house / garden. Is the old one defective, unfashionable, underperforming or whatever. Agree why a change is necessary and this guides the next step.

2 - Agree the criteria for success.

What does the new solution need to provide. Is it fixing a leak in the roof, adding a barrier to the road to protect the lawn, changing the layout of the garden to block a neighbour, refreshing the paint colour scheme to brighten the house etc. Agreeing a budget is also important at this point.

These criteria will guide the solution so make a list and rank them in order of importance and which are essential, highly desirable and just nice to have.

3 - propose a list of solutions that meet the criteria for success.

Let your husband do the running for this but the solutions need to meet all the Essential criteria, most if not all of the Highly Desirable criteria and as many of the Nice To Have criteria as practical. It also has to be within the budget.

Rank the solutions based on this - The most highly ranked one is the logical winner but so long as there is not much to choose from then you get to choose which one appeals to you personally.

4 - Decide and implement.

Because you have been involved in all the above stages you know what is needed and agreed it is the case, you have considered all the criteria and chosen a solution that fits the need - all bases are covered, you were driving it the whole way through and how you get to choose one based on everything (nice and captured on paper so you can refer back to it if you have a doubt).

At this stage there is nothing more you could have considered - you covered all the bases carefully and methodically with your partners involvement and now you have the logical solution and couldn't top it.

I would agree with your husband that once you reach this conclusion, explicitly agree to it then it falls to him to take control of the implementation of it, keeping you appraised with progress daily. Now it is out your hands to stop second guessing or too many cooks spoiling the broth.

Do you think this would work for you?

Thank you for replying! I'll have a look 

Hi and welcome to the community!

As you've read a lot of posts here already, you may already have seen me offer this advice before. If so, sorry for repeating it! :)

I suggest borrowing or buying this book, which specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, and includes exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing and can even happen from one paragraph to the next, so I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book are still well worth the effort, I feel.