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Meltdown, fear and self loathing with the after effects

Mr T

I feel totally dysregulated today.

As some of you may know I am having major issues with my employer. Basically my career is over after 30 odd years. my manager wants me out and is using my diagnosis as the ammunition.

They want me to agree to redeployment with no protections. They have tried to force me into applying for another role and my manager did a managers referral to occupational health and sent the job description of this post. I agreed to the referral at beginning of December but assumed that this was for general support in suggesting adjustments. How wrong was I.

What happened was I had a meltdown at the occupational health appointment yesterday. I had this whole scenario of what I was expecting and was sideswiped when the Dr told me as I was not on a redeployment list and did not want the new role that there was nothing he could do and that would be the end of the consultation. I felt at that moment as if the room suddenly got bigger and I became smaller like Alice in wonderland.

I got very emotional, even crying real tears begging for help as felt so alone and unsupported. At one point i told that the worst thing in my life was being diagnosed and I saw no future and was contemplating suicide as I felt so alone and no one helping. I told him my career was over and it was all I had ever wanted to do. He refused to look at a document stating management's justifications for refusal of the adjustments that he had officially recommended in November 2023.

I felt I lost all control and kept begging for help. Eventually he agreed that in his opinion I would be fit to continue my role with the adjustments he previously recommended in place. he stated the appointment was only to assess me for the job description for a post that I did not want or apply for.

So what was going to be a short appointment turned into over an hour. I left and came straight home all I could do was lie down and sleep. When I woke I checked my email trail for the referral from my manager and after I read it I have realised that I had misunderstood the what I had agreed to, I had somehow built it up in my mind to be a general assessment not specific for that particular job description.

I feel such an idiot, embarrassed that I have made a fool of myself. I just know it is going to eat me up for days if not weeks where I will replay everything over and over and my self loathing will increase. My thoughts turn to how was / am I going to be viewed after this. Again another vicious cycle. I just want the world to swallow me up or just curl up into a ball and ignore the world. 

All I want is the support to be able to do my job without fear of invalidation, harassment and discrimination.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks Ian a balanced reply as usual.

    I have over 70 documents including transcripts of team meetings which show a difference as to what was said in meetings as to how the official outcome letters portray events.

    I have publicly been told to stop rolling your eyes and making faces in a meeting and have written proof that I must disclose before staff neurodivergence training would be implemented.

    Just waiting for a couple of meetings that will either try to remedy things or bring to a head and force my resignation.

    At 55 I am going to find it very difficult to find another job as my field is very niche and everyone talks to each other. I have seen someone be offered a post at a different location only to have withdrawn due to the jungle drums from a manager at another location.

    I am terrified of not having any money going forward, this is linked to past childhood traumas and has forced me to 'put up with things' so as not to rock the boat or fear of losing my job.

    No wonder I had a meltdown, this is all that consumes me day and night.

  • Mr T said:
    All I want is the support to be able to do my job without fear of invalidation, harassment and discrimination.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.

    In your shoes I would try to step back and see if things have gone too far to be saved with this working relationship.

    Immediately all communication should be written - point out that there misunderstandings are quite possible because of your hightened anxiety so you need to be able to re-read and refer back to instructions. It also gives you a chance to use these to ensure a big payout from the employer when you part ways if you can catch them breaking your agreements repeatedly.

    Learn from your lessons - any communication about this should be read - re-read and checked by someone else to make sure you understand it properly. Do the same with any responses to it and keep copies of all emails on your personal account in case you leave suddenly and lose access.

    It really sounds like they are trying to make it so uncomfortable that you resign - I've seen this done myself many times (not autism related though) and this is the tactics used - just enough to avoid breaking the law but if you can establish a pattern of behaviour that is being abusive then that can be the basis of a good discrimination case.

    In your shoes I would get a good employment solicitor and book a session with them - take any proof and ask for advice on how to deal with this. It will cost £100+ but it should give you good advice.

    Now expect to leave at some point soon but try to catch the manager in their manipulations - remember HR will only protect the company and not you so don't trust them to look after your interests - you need to do this.

    Sorry it isn't better news but plan for the worst and make sure it works to your advantage in some way at least - this way you can hopefully be paid off and be able to afford a long, paid time to recover.