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Self esteem advice

SNickley

I’ve been really struggling with my self esteem for ages, I’ve been undiagnosed with autism for 19 years. My recent diagnosis makes sense and helps me understand but I still have low self esteem especially in meltdowns. I get frustrated at myself a lot and don’t like how I feel and sometimes feel like my meltdowns wasting my time. I also feel like  bother other people if I’m out with them and suppose to do something but end up having a meltdown and get frustrated at how I feel like my autistic traits limits me compared to neurotypical people. I really want to start liking myself and accepting this any advice would be appreciated Purple heart

  • Hi SNickley, 

    Thank you for posting to the community. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with self-esteem. 

    The NAS website offers advice and guidance on some of these issues you've highlighted. 

    Mental health and wellbeing: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health-and-wellbeing

    Meltdowns: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences

    After diagnosis: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

    You might also want to have a look at our Service Directory where you can search for counsellors who specialise in autism: https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

    I hope this helps,

    Gina Mod 

  • That resonates deeply with me. Sometimes my meltdowns get me so fought up in self-criticism that I stumble right into the next one until there’s no more energy left. I think, Pixiefox and Andy have already left very good advice. Let me just add: The process of self-acceptance is exactly that, a process. It’ll need time and honestly, I can’t even see the finish line yet, but I know it exists so I keep going. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not working through the issue “fast” enough. That’s just counterproductive. There will be hills where you feel like, you’re not moving forward at all but just know that you are, even if the finish line seems so far away.

  • It's important to remember that everyone is good at something. Here are some common strengths of autistic people:

    Excellent memory

    Attention to detail

    Honest and direct communication

    Extensive knowledge about topics of interest

    Logical and independent thinking

    Hyperfocus

    A strong sense of justice

    Creative

    Good problem solving skills

    Loyal

    Autistic people are needed in society because neurotypical people often struggle with things that we are good at. For example, NT people are good at seeing the big picture but often lack attention to detail. Everyone is unique and everyone has different strengths and different things they are not so good at.

    Other ways of dealing with self esteem are to try not spend much time with people who make you feel inferior, to create a schedule so that you know in advance what you are doing at what time (to increase confidence and reduce anxiety) and to try to think of at least one positive thing that happened each day. We have a thread running called "3 good things" so if you feel ok about sharing, you could do a post on that thread a couple of times a week.

    I hope that as you learn more about yourself, you soon start to feel better about yourself.

  • Hey, welcome to the community Slight smile

    I can really relate to what you’re feeling and lower self esteem is very common for autistic people. Your diagnosis is a huge piece of the puzzle, and it can take time to adjust to fully understanding and embracing what it means for you. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out in this community and being part of the forum! I have found that since being part of this forum and speaking with other autistic people, learning from others has been the most helpful thing for me. 

    One thing that’s helped me, is reframing how I view meltdowns and other autistic traits. Instead of seeing them as “wasting time” or being a burden, I try to remind myself that meltdowns are my brains way of processing overwhelming emotions or sensory input. They’re not a failure… they’re just part of how my brain works.

    It might also help to focus on what makes you, you. Reflect on what you’re good at or what you love about yourself, even the small things, as this can make a big difference. Such as the fact you’re studying at university is an incredible achievement and something that even neurotypical people can’t sometimes achieve. 

    Also, when you’re with others, remind yourself the people who truly care about you, will want to support you and will not see you as a burden. It’s important that you give yourself plenty of time to recover and set boundaries, it doesn’t make you less valuable.

    Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend in your position.