working on change in core features of autism - is it worth the effort?

This is definitely one of the hardest topics that I think a lot of neurodivergent people face, especially late diagnosed (like myself).

I've been wracking my brain trying to find neurodivergent-affirming therapy (NAT) service that doesn't cost a fortune and isn't a scam (because god forbid the NHS would provide suitable accessible therapy options for neurodivergent individuals, even though it's a requirement under the Equality Act 2010!).

I was late diagnosed with ASD level 2 at the age of 34, after decades of my symptoms being put down to trauma, depression, anxiety, etc (technically I do have these, but they are symptoms of a much broader picture, not the root cause).

I grew up in an environment of severe childhood trauma, and my emotions, needs, desires, etc were supressed for 'survival', which definitely blunted my growth as a person, so I barely have a concept of self or identity.

When I look in the mirror, I don't really feel much; I recognise the face as one I've associated with 'mine', but it's a very odd and layered experience.

I cannot separate pain, neurodivergence and trauma, they are merged and blurred, and I believe my concept of self and identity is somewhere under this, but getting to it is like trying to roller-skate up hill.

I desperately want to meet the person I was supposed to be, and develop her into a happy neurodivergent adult, but without therapy from a seriously well informed person, I really don't see it happening...

This is definitely one of the hardest topics that I think a lot of neurodivergent people face, especially late diagnosed (like myself).

I've been wracking my brain trying to find neurodivergent-affirming therapy (NAT) service that doesn't cost a fortune and isn't a scam (because god forbid the NHS would provide suitable accessible therapy options for neurodivergent individuals, even though it's a requirement under the Equality Act 2010!).

I was late diagnosed with ASD level 2 at the age of 34, after decades of my symptoms being put down to trauma, depression, anxiety, etc (technically I do have these, but they are symptoms of a much broader picture, not the root cause).

I grew up in an environment of severe childhood trauma, and my emotions, needs, desires, etc were supressed for 'survival', which definitely blunted my growth as a person, so I barely have a concept of self or identity.

When I look in the mirror, I don't really feel much; I recognise the face as one I've associated with 'mine', but it's a very odd and layered experience.

I cannot separate pain, neurodivergence and trauma, they are merged and blurred, and I believe my concept of self and identity is somewhere under this, but getting to it is like trying to roller-skate up hill.

I desperately want to meet the person I was supposed to be, and develop her into a happy neurodivergent adult, but without therapy from a seriously well informed person, I really don't see it happening...

I have found that the best therapy is to be in zoom groups with others like me as we seem to be the only ones who really understand us. It gives me a break from thd stress of trying to fit in and conform. (I don't like the term masking.) Best one so far has been thd Autistic Elders Zoom Group which you can Google. It may look as ic it has folded but they are just sorting out dates fir next year.

I too have the added complexity of childhood trauma - in my case diagnosed ASD type1 and in previous breakdowns, which are most likely down to autism, have dredged thro' the trauma reactions to explain what was taking place.

 If I may comment further for how I currently perceive the "who am I" issue which troubles me too to see what your reaction to it is?  (stupid thing to write as I plan to anyway...  stop reading now or tell me none of my business if you like :-)    ) 

I figure that with me having a type 1 diagnosis and your type 2 diagnosis I may be completely unaware of differences between you and me that may mean it is difficult for you and me to communicate ideas between one another.   Sorry if I get things wrong like that.

Anyway, worth a go perhaps? :-)

I figure who I and anyone else is to be a sum of individual behaviour, feelings and thoughts and also in some way the titles and roles that I have.  Titles and roles are important though maybe less important than how I behave, feel and think - as if I want a particular job or relationship etc it is how I think and behave that will increase or decrease the chance of getting them maybe.

There are big chunks of these things about that I maybe don't like - often because they are unsatisfactory for the needs and goals that I have.  This includes how I need to feel.  There are also big chunks that I am often less aware of that I could and maybe should like more.  Maybe that is linked to the sense of wanting to meet the person you and I "were supposed to be"?

That sense of roller skating uphill might get easier if first considering and getting used to standing still on the roller skates to start with.  Noticing who the person one is now is like standing still on the skates perhaps?  I Sperg  writes of "disillusionment" - a sense of removing the veils to seeing who the me is... as the sum of what I think, feel and act in particular circumstances.  Past, present and future.

Noticing how one feels, thinks and behaves in particular circumstances past and present potentially opens up the possibility of feeling, thinking and behaving differently by doing it differently next time and maybe getting "better" at it by using a trick or a strategy that is learnable.

Personally this experience to me has meant that just standing on the roller skates has been tricky.... takes a while to find balance and the risk of falling and hurting oneself is ever present - some of the things we notice and encounter  can damage confidence and the mess with the relaxed poise that helps so much when roller skating - so practicing in a safe place with support as necessary is important. 

I agree that getting the right trained support would be best.  In the context of available NHS services then, well perhaps the less I say about that the better at present...

So we're left with this sort of forum and exchange, other written or on-line resources, friends and relatives and ultimately ourselves as being the means of getting a hang on living our lives in a more happy way.  This is fundamentally more difficult for an ASD brain than for neurotypicals it seems.  Doesn't mean it's impossible.  Even neurotypicals have to learn to roller skate in the first place...  I've been listening to podcast from "adults with autism" recently starting from the beginning.  Whether the time or content was right or maybe both there are some tricks that one can learn out there to help with rollerskating the ASD way it seems.  

I know that getting back up can be hard after falling off the skates a few times - there are injuries that are caused that can take time to heal and also maybe some that will never heal that will need to be accommodated along the way.  I also know that some people would rather not want to roller skate and choose not to.

On the other hand rollerskating is possibly a lot of fun.  Although hard work going up hill think of the buzz the downhill bits will be and how much momentum will help getting over the bumps along the way!

Stay safe.

All the best :-)