Dating is so hard for Autistic people

I blame social media for a lot of this '6 foot, 6 pack, 6 figure' mentality that some women (and men) have. It promotes a shallow and superficial mindset and lifestyle. Many women are smart, successful, make their own money and run their own homes and lives, and the idea of a kept woman or a trad wife is such a cop out. Of course it's a choice, but I don't agree with it.

This toxic patriarchal mindset hurts both men and women. Men feel inadequate as many of us don't measure up (I only have the 6ft), which leads to depression and unhealthy coping mechanisms, and women believing this give other women a bad image because it assumed they're all gold diggers.

The idea that dating is a game is also harmful and promotes inauthenticity. Waiting 3 days before calling/texting after a date. Not double texting. Not looking too keen. Say no the first time to see if he's committed etc. People get hurt, develop hangups, get confused and frustrated, and get abused by all this rubbish. Why can't people just be honest and say what they feel?

Even neurotypical people struggle with online dating as there's an awful lot of time wasters and game players out there. The man you were speaking to seems like one of these types. Way too fast and giving red flags all over the place. You did the right thing in stating your boundaries early and luckily he gave up and didn't try anything dodgy afterwards. Women on dating apps have to be so careful as there's a lot of men out there who have no understanding of consent, boundaries or respect. It's far too transactional and it's assumed that everything has to end in sex, so getting out of that can be very problematic.

I couldn't use dating apps anymore and haven't for a while. Many of them seem to be used as hook up sites and aren't the place to find long lasting respectful relationships. I'm happily partnered at the moment but if I ever found myself single again I wouldn't be using a dating app. It all feels really false, shallow and superficial. I would be putting my neurostatus on my profile as a filter and even though it would most likely get me less interest, it would more likely attract people who understand me better. Quality over quantity. To be honest though if I got no replies it would do nothing for my self esteem so it's just asking for trouble.

Pets and plants are better anyway.

Literal_Joe said:

I can't deal with inauthenticity, I just can't

As my therapist told me, "bulldroppings, what you are saying is you won't".

I helps to understand that our resistance comes from our own barriers which can be overcome but we erect them because it is too uncomfortable to do.

We often think in terms of black and white and this extends to considering things that are hard to do as being undoable.

It is fine if you want to not do them, but realising it is a choice is more empowering I feel.

I deleted Tinder now and closed my account on FB dating. I don’t think those apps are for me as I can’t tell if the men are being genuine or not *sighs* x

I live in the Wirral so quite far away  x

But that's just it Iain, I can't deal with inauthenticity, I just can't.

When I was diagnosed earlier this year it was recommended that I seek therapy, exactly as you suggest, and I have someone lined up to provide that. I'm currently going through some work issues, so I will tackle this once that is resolved 

I would *slightly* amend this as other people have pointed out, to say that online dating across the board has become incredibly annoying. If it's not the apps themselves trying to game people out of their money, it's other people trying to find the literal grain of sand perfect person for them, saying anything they can think of to do so.

Remember to always be yourself when looking. The last thing you want is to be with someone who can't accept the real, awesome, autistic you because of the mask you put on the first date seemed so much more attractive to them. 

If it's any consolation though, I am right there with you. Sometimes it feels like you should give up, but happiness is out there! You just need to persevere if you can.

He was thinking of you all day and he rejects you that easily? He obviously didn't like you as much as he pretended to!

How far away from Scotland are you? I know a wonderful man that lives there if you're interested.

Literal_Joe said:

A completely, and permanently, authentic person I believe is near-on impossible in the neuro typical world

When you say it like that it shows you are expecting the other person to be the way you want them to be but you are not willing to reciprocate and learn how to deal with some inauthenticity.

Any relationship is a compromise from both sides if it is to work.

I'm not having a go at you here by the way, just raising a discussion point.

Literal_Joe said:

This, as my past has shown, only generates bad feelings and upset, which I then don't 'let go'

Have you tried any professional help on learning how to let go? I found it to be a tremdous help in forgiving and accepting my partners traits as she was able to do the same for me.

It is difficult to be in a relationship but I found the rewards far outweighed the cost.

I honestly think that couple-dom is too difficult for me.

I can meet someone and get along, fine. We can like each other, sure. But as things get more serious I find myself disliking any form of inauthenticity. This, as my past has shown, only generates bad feelings and upset, which I then don't 'let go'

A completely, and permanently, authentic person I believe is near-on impossible in the neuro typical world, I think, and I know what you mean with what you say here

Deleted User said:

the top few percent of men were getting 90% of the dates.

I think this reflects the unrealistic expectations of women these days - certainly the younger women I meet have a checklist that the guy has to be over 6 foot tall, athletic, making £100k+ etc.

This leaves a lot of women going after a very small group and that group are typically playing the field of being hard to get and this seems to be embittering a lot of them against men in general.

A bit of a broad stroke there but it reflects what I hear.

I tend to be too old to be seen as of interest to them and represent more of a grandfather figure so I tend to hear a lot they would not talk about even to their parents.

This was based on when I lived in the UK up until 2 years ago but I get the same feeback here in Brazil although this is more from the middle classes. The more working class people have less expectations and seem more interested in having fun than landing the "right" guy.

Deleted User said:

Tinder really doesn’t seem like a good place to seek a relationship.

It has its place - it can be good for casual relationships if you want that sort of thing. Being upfront and direct does seem to help as does having a well crafted profile (hint here is to get someone of the opposite sex to help you create it).

It is deffo hard for autists to survive when the social rules seem to be evolving annualy and it takes time to learn how to "play" effectively.

Tinder published statistics that said (something like) the top few percent of men were getting 90% of the dates. One of the consequences of that is that the men who do get attention are spoiled for choice and don’t have to try very hard or treat people very well.

Tinder really doesn’t seem like a good place to seek a relationship.