Dating is so hard for Autistic people

I used to be on a dating site and many people were NT and had many of the same issues as you've had, over familiarity, scammers, inauthenticity the lot. Many feel as though they will be alone for the rest of thier lives too with a cat for company, quite a few people said they wouldn't date a woman with a cat. One thing that came up over and over again amongst women was, why do so many men post pictures of themselves with big fish they've just caught? Maybe some men see it as advertising thier prowess at providing or something, most women see it as another way they're going spend weekends and holidays alone.

I hope you find someone, but this is a problem for NT's and ND's

TheCatWoman said:

quite a few people said they wouldn't date a woman with a cat

I don't really get that, sounds ideal - except for the very high risk of developing a close connection with the cat and not the girl......

I guess the men feared to much competition from the cat.

It works both ways men want to know the same stuff too.

It's good that you can use not being a foreigner to cut through all the BS.

I agree it's about the person, or should be, to me someone should add something to my life, not take stuff away or constrain it. I think lots of people in later life are afraid they're going to be used as a meal ticket and pension pot for an unscrupulous other. Whilst none of us want to lose any financial security we've gained over the years, we seem to forget that we're looking for a person a human being to share our lives with. For some people I think they'd be better off with an android or escort to hang off thier arm that they can say goodbye to at the end of an evening or stick in a cupboard.

TheCatWoman said:

One of the thingd that gets me are the lists! Lists of what you do and don't want in a partner

I agree. From what I see locally for me there are a lot of golddiggers whose first questions are about your income / property ownership / car you drive etc - they get dropped from my list as soon as this appears.

To my mind it should be about the person, their character and interests (especially at my age where the animal urges are starting to be less of a driver). 

One advantage I have is that I'm a foreigner here so I can use the culture difference to insist on making things explicitly clear and it meets less pushback. I can speak the language but not the slang and a lot of the everyday phrases that are embedded in pop culture.

It makes it clearer to have a conversation this way and I guess it helps me come across as more interesting that my cultural background is so different. God knows I need something extra to stand out from the crowd...

I think all the games are one of the reasons I limit my interactions with others and as for dating, no, no more relationships for me, I'm not good at them and they seem more trouble than they're worth, I don't think they're good for me either.

One of the thingd that gets me are the lists! Lists of what you do and don't want in a partner, I know we all have likes and dislikes and things we absolutely couldn't put up with and some things that are essential. But it seems we're encouraged to make very specific lists, bu so called experts, to the point where the likihood of us finding someone who fits all the criteria is impossible.

I've told people I don't do games and what you see is what you get and been told thats a game too and have someone try and work out what I'm up to. My response is FFS!

TheCatWoman said:

I don't know what to say now

Say what you normally would - I have come to terms with it so no need to walk on eggshells.

The more I look into the cliques of male and female only groups the more I wonder how we survived this long - so many "games" and unspoken rules that seem designed to trip even NTs up.

You're right they did, I supsose I think of the manosphere as being a modern internet thing.

I don't know what to say now I hope my question didn't seem insenstitve, it wasn't meant to be.

TheCatWoman said:

I thought you were married?

I divorced about 2 years ago as my partner could not handle my diagnisis - the thought of being married to a "mentally deficient" was too much for her to process in spite of 24 years ofbeing married to me.

All I can do is respect her decision. She clearly does not want me and I doubt I can change her perspective as it seems so ingrained.

We remain good friends and business partners however but I'm slowly working on my self esteem and getting on with life.

TheCatWoman said:

I didn't know the manospere was that old?

It is as old as society - Victorians had Gentlements clubs for discussing this in comfort or working mens clubs for the poorer. Medieval men had taverns and a men only workplace and so on - even back to the armies when there were fewer large towns,

I thought you were married?

It never even occured to me that such things as posing with fish was a manosphere thing, I've been seeing pictures of men posing with fish for about 20 years, I didn't know the manospere was that old?

TheCatWoman said:

DO you have an explaination for men posing with big fish they've caught?

To my understanding this stems from the "dude rules for dating profiles" that are often floating around the manosphere which say you need to have pictures showing X Y and Z

One of these is the sports trophy pic - it shows you are outdoorsy, successful (can catch a fish) and gives the impression of being a provider.

Complete codswallop of course but thats what conventional wisdom is passed down from bloke to bloke apparenty.

There is also the recommendation to be seen with a dog as that indicates aspects of loyalty and caring (which a cat is the opposite of apparently) plus being so likable that even animals are drawn to you.

I suspect these "rules" are written by a bloke trying to think like a woman and it shows.

I also suspect that older lady with a cat is seen as a poor choice in the manosphere as this implies that the lady has seen through the bulldroppings of traditional male behaviour and realised that a cat is about as loyal as a man and much less needy. They chances of getting lucky and just having fun are constrained by the low chances of their methods fooling her.

This is just my experience - my brother in law is trying to get me into the dating scene at the moment and he is a masterclass in bad behaviour, but because he is good looking and charming he gets away with being aweful. I try to avoid him as much as I can but I fear I have become a project of his now.

I'm keeping a diary and hope to make a lengthy post sometime later about later life autists trying to get back into the NT dating scene - it will be a horror story I expect LOL

TheCatWoman said:

DO you have an explaination for men posing with big fish they've caught?

To my understanding this stems from the "dude rules for dating profiles" that are often floating around the manosphere which say you need to have pictures showing X Y and Z

One of these is the sports trophy pic - it shows you are outdoorsy, successful (can catch a fish) and gives the impression of being a provider.

Complete codswallop of course but thats what conventional wisdom is passed down from bloke to bloke apparenty.

There is also the recommendation to be seen with a dog as that indicates aspects of loyalty and caring (which a cat is the opposite of apparently) plus being so likable that even animals are drawn to you.

I suspect these "rules" are written by a bloke trying to think like a woman and it shows.

I also suspect that older lady with a cat is seen as a poor choice in the manosphere as this implies that the lady has seen through the bulldroppings of traditional male behaviour and realised that a cat is about as loyal as a man and much less needy. They chances of getting lucky and just having fun are constrained by the low chances of their methods fooling her.

This is just my experience - my brother in law is trying to get me into the dating scene at the moment and he is a masterclass in bad behaviour, but because he is good looking and charming he gets away with being aweful. I try to avoid him as much as I can but I fear I have become a project of his now.

I'm keeping a diary and hope to make a lengthy post sometime later about later life autists trying to get back into the NT dating scene - it will be a horror story I expect LOL

It works both ways men want to know the same stuff too.

It's good that you can use not being a foreigner to cut through all the BS.

I agree it's about the person, or should be, to me someone should add something to my life, not take stuff away or constrain it. I think lots of people in later life are afraid they're going to be used as a meal ticket and pension pot for an unscrupulous other. Whilst none of us want to lose any financial security we've gained over the years, we seem to forget that we're looking for a person a human being to share our lives with. For some people I think they'd be better off with an android or escort to hang off thier arm that they can say goodbye to at the end of an evening or stick in a cupboard.

TheCatWoman said:

One of the thingd that gets me are the lists! Lists of what you do and don't want in a partner

I agree. From what I see locally for me there are a lot of golddiggers whose first questions are about your income / property ownership / car you drive etc - they get dropped from my list as soon as this appears.

To my mind it should be about the person, their character and interests (especially at my age where the animal urges are starting to be less of a driver). 

One advantage I have is that I'm a foreigner here so I can use the culture difference to insist on making things explicitly clear and it meets less pushback. I can speak the language but not the slang and a lot of the everyday phrases that are embedded in pop culture.

It makes it clearer to have a conversation this way and I guess it helps me come across as more interesting that my cultural background is so different. God knows I need something extra to stand out from the crowd...

I think all the games are one of the reasons I limit my interactions with others and as for dating, no, no more relationships for me, I'm not good at them and they seem more trouble than they're worth, I don't think they're good for me either.

One of the thingd that gets me are the lists! Lists of what you do and don't want in a partner, I know we all have likes and dislikes and things we absolutely couldn't put up with and some things that are essential. But it seems we're encouraged to make very specific lists, bu so called experts, to the point where the likihood of us finding someone who fits all the criteria is impossible.

I've told people I don't do games and what you see is what you get and been told thats a game too and have someone try and work out what I'm up to. My response is FFS!

TheCatWoman said:

I don't know what to say now

Say what you normally would - I have come to terms with it so no need to walk on eggshells.

The more I look into the cliques of male and female only groups the more I wonder how we survived this long - so many "games" and unspoken rules that seem designed to trip even NTs up.

You're right they did, I supsose I think of the manosphere as being a modern internet thing.

I don't know what to say now I hope my question didn't seem insenstitve, it wasn't meant to be.

TheCatWoman said:

I thought you were married?

I divorced about 2 years ago as my partner could not handle my diagnisis - the thought of being married to a "mentally deficient" was too much for her to process in spite of 24 years ofbeing married to me.

All I can do is respect her decision. She clearly does not want me and I doubt I can change her perspective as it seems so ingrained.

We remain good friends and business partners however but I'm slowly working on my self esteem and getting on with life.

TheCatWoman said:

I didn't know the manospere was that old?

It is as old as society - Victorians had Gentlements clubs for discussing this in comfort or working mens clubs for the poorer. Medieval men had taverns and a men only workplace and so on - even back to the armies when there were fewer large towns,

I thought you were married?

It never even occured to me that such things as posing with fish was a manosphere thing, I've been seeing pictures of men posing with fish for about 20 years, I didn't know the manospere was that old?