The relationships and intimacy strategy thread

TheCatWoman said:

I think for us autists the need for alone time is hard for others to understand,along with absorbtion in hobbies etc. I've been told many times how wonderfully diferent I am to any other woman they've known, independent, strong, not clingy, intellegent, knowlegable etc. Until they find that I'm too all of the above and they don't like it, they don't actually want someone who can be independent and sort things out for herself, they want and expect to be asked. They don't want to be told no and why I disagree with them, especially if I'm going against what "thier pack" expects.

TheCatWoman said:

I don't notice flirting, it goes right over my head, I just think they're being friendly, it wouldn't even occur to me to ask if they were. I'm sure I've missed opportunities from this, or had lucky escapes.

This fits in well to my no. 1 below - male or female.

I've had disagreements here in the past with others who think that women should comply with rigid 1950s style ideals of women.

I've also been told that it's easier for women to meet partners (than men) even if autistic but I think that us missing the signals and not understanding allistic communications etc are just the same for us as for men. 

Social anxiety is there in the mix too for females as well as males.

I think that autistic women are unlikely to come across as conventional and to accede to society's more conservative expectations and if they do, they may well be very unhappy indeed.

So, it's good I think to realise that no matter what society demands of us, it's not necessarily natural to us.

For men, there are different expectations, but I suspect the same struggles with fulfilling these rigid roles.

TheCatWoman said:

I think for us autists the need for alone time is hard for others to understand,along with absorbtion in hobbies etc. I've been told many times how wonderfully diferent I am to any other woman they've known, independent, strong, not clingy, intellegent, knowlegable etc. Until they find that I'm too all of the above and they don't like it, they don't actually want someone who can be independent and sort things out for herself, they want and expect to be asked. They don't want to be told no and why I disagree with them, especially if I'm going against what "thier pack" expects.

TheCatWoman said:

I don't notice flirting, it goes right over my head, I just think they're being friendly, it wouldn't even occur to me to ask if they were. I'm sure I've missed opportunities from this, or had lucky escapes.

This fits in well to my no. 1 below - male or female.

I've had disagreements here in the past with others who think that women should comply with rigid 1950s style ideals of women.

I've also been told that it's easier for women to meet partners (than men) even if autistic but I think that us missing the signals and not understanding allistic communications etc are just the same for us as for men. 

Social anxiety is there in the mix too for females as well as males.

I think that autistic women are unlikely to come across as conventional and to accede to society's more conservative expectations and if they do, they may well be very unhappy indeed.

So, it's good I think to realise that no matter what society demands of us, it's not necessarily natural to us.

For men, there are different expectations, but I suspect the same struggles with fulfilling these rigid roles.

I think a lot of men think it's easier for women to meet partners, I don't really agree with this, it might be easier for women to find men who are looking for a leg over, or who are controlling and see us as vulnerable and easy to mould or seperate from our support systems.

I do think many men struggle with conventional gender roles as much as women do, but have less of a voice in society, there dosen't seem to be a mens movement in the same way there's a womens movement and society in general likes to try and make us take sides which does no one any good. I think a lot of gender roles are deeply ingrained and even when we think we're ok with being different, deep dowm we're not. An ex of mine was quite money orrientated and didn't like my being the opposite, he thought I should have an equally well paid job as him, that was until one day I earned more than him, then he threw his toys out of the pram because I as a lowly hairdresser had earned more in an hour than him, a computer programer. I didn't earn like this every day, that day was an exception, but it exposed some deep fault lines, I think he actually liked being in a better financial position than me.

Another thing, I think age can play a big part in how we see relationships, a lot of younger men being more open to a more equal relationship and a better division of labour than me of my age who were brought up by stay at home mums who always had tea on the table etc. Many men my age like the idea of women working and earning well, but still want the same levels of service as thier own fathers had.

Women seem to be expected to do most of the emotional heavy lifting in relationships too, anything from remembering and organising every bodies birthdays and xmas presents to the long term care needs of elderly parents. A lot of men, in my experience need a lot of emotional bandwidth, something that an ASC partner will almost certainly really struggle with. I'd be interested to know how this is in gay relationships? I can only speak of straight ones. I mean why does someone who has previously always bought his own family presents and arranged meals etc, suddenly, silently and seemingly without thought, hand this over to a female partner?

With regard to men, I think that it's hard if there are still expectations for men to ask the women out 1st.

I don't know if that's still the case.

By-the-way, apologise for only speaking of 'men' and 'women' for the purpose of this particular point, I can't think of another way of expressing myself.