The relationships and intimacy strategy thread

I feel tired of many things, sometimes kinda tired of my life, like it’s everything too much. Do I’m also kinda tired of sex 

Alienatedhuman said:

I’m not sure if arousal  meds would be good for me, I’m afraid I would be horny all the time 

You say that as if it were a bad thing :P

I used to masturbate a lot as a teenager. Now hmm it’s nothing like it was before. Probably trauma plus various meds (now I don’t take any) plus maybe also hormonal changes (I’m 36). I’m not sure if arousal  meds would be good for me, I’m afraid I would be horny all the time 

I'd consider taking sexual arousal drugs if it was a safe / legal option. I remember what it was like to be kind of horny all the time as a teenager. I actually enjoyed it even if I wasn't getting any.

Yes, mine did. Thank goodness the lady therapist I saw said he doesn’t see any need to medicate me for anything. He also helped me realise that I struggle to recognize that it’s already too much. And I take more and more stress till I start crying or get panic attack. 

Most anti depresents have a moderate to extreem dampaning effect. Frankly medical science has been more intrested in developing chemicals that make people horny.

There is actually a long history of science trying and failing to creat drugs to make women horny ... untill quite recent sucess.

How does one chemically castrate a woman? I know the contraceptive pill works for many, but how many anaphrodisiacs are there? I thin kthis is a very under researched area.

I don't have enough trust left to rely on anyone else, I've rarely if ever had anyone who's always there for me, as soon as I need help everybody disapears, I can only think of a couple of times when that hasn't happened. A therapist told me to call people and talk to someone when I was feeling bad and come back and talk about how it had gone, I don't know if she believed me when I said I done this and nobody was in, or were just about to go and do something like go to the doctor. I think it's left me to strong for my own good in a lot of ways, but then whats the alternative?

See I can only tell you what didn't work. Waiting didn't work. When I fall for a girl I tend to fall quite hard. The feelings linger for years eventhough there was never a relationship as such.

The first girl I fell for was older than me. Say 15/16 to my 13 years. I really didn't have an 'in' with her. We both went to the same youth group but we didn't have much in common. But I thought she was so cool. I spend 2 ish years trying to figure out the perfect way to get her atention and ask her out. Which was stupid I should have just gotten it over with and asked her out.

It actually screwed up things later on a couple of years later when a girl from a difrent youth group asked me out. This girl when I think about it was actually very physically atractive but at the time I hadn't really thought of her as a love interest. We'd had one or two really long enjoyable interlectual conversations about science (my special interest) and then she spontainiously asked me out. I was a bit intimidated by someone I'd only met 2 or 3 times doing that but in retrospect I wonder if maybe her stratergy was better. I turned her down. Partly because how quickly she moved intimidated me but mostly because I was infatuated with this other girl and it seemed wrong to me at the time to date a girl when my head was full of another girl even if that girl was unatainable.

This anecdote provides my first two 'lessions.'

1. Don't let perfect be the enamy of good. It's a good idea to have your eye on multipul girls at the same time and
2. don't wait too long to aproch them.

Ironicly the girl who asked me out was 17/18 and thought I was older than I was. Maybe she was expecting a more mature reaction from me.

TheCatWoman said:

it might be easier for women to find men who are looking for a leg over

Yes but there are a lot of men who are quite envious of that. In sociaty in general I mean. I'm reminded of the story of the wife who asked some of her friends to cat call her husband thinking he'd be upset and instead he came home glowing and keen to tell her how awsome it was that he got cat called by a group of girls.

Pixiefox said:

Esoteric - This thread should not just be about physical intimacy - we need to try to support people in how to find love in all its various forms.

Yes but also hanky panky with out love is also well within the topic I set up above.

100%.

While I crave physical intimacy, companionship is a much greater need in my life. Someone to sit on the sofa and watch TV with. Someone to eat dinner with. Someone to go to the shops with. To talk about my day with.

Even just knowing someone is in another room in the house.

Cat - I think esoteric is trying to say that life might be easier if nobody was interested in "hanky panky"  as we used to call it in the old days (trying to avoid being moderated here)

However people also want companionship and someone they can rely on to always be there for them - it's not all about the physical aspect, which can be great when you're young, but as you and I know, that drive is usually lost when we get older. I think it's nice to have a live in best friend to care for and who cares about you. 

Esoteric - This thread should not just be about physical intimacy - we need to try to support people in how to find love in all its various forms.

For what?

I propose chemical castration.

I can believe part of that as I know someone who has been on the apps for a while. I don't know if she chooses conventionally attractive people but the dates who turn into courtship all seem to end up with the fact they like messing women around. It's quite a transient section of society that she lives in.

I also know people who've had success on other less well known apps.

out_of_step said:

so much choice is available, via the internet 

Zero choice available to some of us. I’ve seen a lot of coverage of this online, including statistics released by Tinder, which seem to be saying that 90% of men essentially get zero dates because 80%+ of the women on these sites only pick the top few percent of most attractive men, and those men are happy to hop around all the women they get matched with.

I always found meeting a partner really awkward, it just seemed that my peers were excellent at getting girlfriends and I somehow just seemed uninteresting to women. I am socially awkward and don’t like to be touched. I found alcohol to be a big social crutch, I did eventually meet my wife and have been married for over 30 years, this hasn’t always been easy, I can be very distant if I’m immersed in a project, even 30 years on my wife still asks before hugging me, it does make me feel guilty that she has to ask but otherwise it overwhelms me too much. We get on much better now we know why I’m different. Social occasions used to create massive problems between us.

My wife earns more money than I do, I don’t ‘sponge’ off her, she makes sure things are paid as I have never mastered that one. I do work nearly full time but now understand why I get so exhausted and take longer to do things, I put a lot of thought into everything.

I still keep in contact with an old female school friend, we normally message two or three times a year, it’s normally just what’s been happening in our lives.  She said to me about 2 years ago, “didn’t you ever realise how much I had the ‘hots’ for you?” I had never noticed anything, I hadn’t noticed any of the signs, I just thought she was being nice to me.

I remember, that I almost never got asked, so I probably properly assumed, that I’m unattractive. I asked once a man, who i liked if he would go out with me. His reaction was “with you?! I can find better one!” My colleagues told me I have to take care of my look and be more self confident (never figured out how) but I forced myself to dye my hair although I like my natural color, I didn’t feel that need but I was told that men will be more interested. It didn’t work. Other women dye their hair, wear make up, fragrance, fancy clothes, for them it works, for me never. But I found the one man who loves me my natural way (thank goodness not all men like fancy women)

As professional and amateur pornography is so easily accessible, I worry that people with no prior experience of physical intimacy may be under the illusion that they have to behave and look like porn stars. I think it's worth stressing that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and porn stars (including amateur ones) are merely playing a part.

I can only speak for myself, but when I was growing up I'd had this notion in my head that my first time would be really special, and be a truly mind-blowing experience. It was okay, but certainly not as wonderful as I thought it might be. It wasn't until a good many years (and several relationships) later that I found physical intimacy to be more than just okay.

There's also the expectation in some instances for women to be the more social ones, or drive the conversation.  I'm not just talking about dating,  but situations in general. I also wonder if because now so much choice is available, via the internet  it possibly means less effort or commitment has to be put in because you can simply "get a new one".