maybe i'm just a terrible person?

I asked myself the same question many times before my diagnosis. But when I sat down with the psychologist to receive the results of my assessment, she asked me what result I was hoping for, and I told her what I had just realised: that in many ways it didn’t matter what the result was because whether I was autistic or not, I would still have the same challenges and still have to find a path to improve my life.

So even if you are a terrible person, and I very much doubt you are, you will still have the same choices to make: what can I change to make myself and my life better?

I would also add that it’s very easy to doubt your own worth and character when you’ve spent a lifetime being told you are lesser or other or weird, and that is the experience of most autistic people. But other people not understanding you doesn’t make you a bad person. If anything I’d say it raises questions about their character.

Good luck with your assessment.

Idk what I can change. I’ve been trying so hard to so long to fix myself and I’m at a loss at this point. 

saccharinedreams said:

I’ve been trying so hard to so long to fix myself and I’m at a loss at this point. 

Now you have a diagnosis and have hopefully researched autism you should know that there is nothing to "fix".

You have a brain that works differently to neurotypicals so it will cause a few problems but these don't need to be "fixed", you just need to understand what you are willing to live with and what you need to adapt to.

The adapting may be to learn the social skills to make friends in a more sustainable way. This takes a lot more energy than you may expect and in some ways it is like watching Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory learning about the rules of acceptable social interaction and humour - it takes a long time to get proficient.

I would suggest working with a therapist to understand what is really important to you and what is just you thinking you should be doing something because everyone else is. Work on these areas and use your limited energy reserves to focus on what will give best results for you,

Alien0n3arth said:

a horrible person is someone who deliberately hurts others and gets pleasure out of it.

This hits the nail on the head - seeing your pain and problems through a lense of autism should highlight which are down to your subconcious avoidance / overload etc and which are because you chose to behave in a particular way.

Interpriting all this really needs a professional such as a therapist so I would spend some time on this and unpack the traumas of your life to get a clearer understanding of who you really are once your autism is filtered out.

I would hazzard a guess that it is not a horrible person at all.

saccharinedreams said:

I’ve been trying so hard to so long to fix myself and I’m at a loss at this point. 

Now you have a diagnosis and have hopefully researched autism you should know that there is nothing to "fix".

You have a brain that works differently to neurotypicals so it will cause a few problems but these don't need to be "fixed", you just need to understand what you are willing to live with and what you need to adapt to.

The adapting may be to learn the social skills to make friends in a more sustainable way. This takes a lot more energy than you may expect and in some ways it is like watching Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory learning about the rules of acceptable social interaction and humour - it takes a long time to get proficient.

I would suggest working with a therapist to understand what is really important to you and what is just you thinking you should be doing something because everyone else is. Work on these areas and use your limited energy reserves to focus on what will give best results for you,

Alien0n3arth said:

a horrible person is someone who deliberately hurts others and gets pleasure out of it.

This hits the nail on the head - seeing your pain and problems through a lense of autism should highlight which are down to your subconcious avoidance / overload etc and which are because you chose to behave in a particular way.

Interpriting all this really needs a professional such as a therapist so I would spend some time on this and unpack the traumas of your life to get a clearer understanding of who you really are once your autism is filtered out.

I would hazzard a guess that it is not a horrible person at all.

saccharinedreams said:

I don't have a diagnosis yet though. Maybe my brain doesn't work differently and I'm the problem..

You can easily narrow down your options by doing several of the online autism diagnostic tests - if you score highly in these then it gives a strong indication that autism is the root cause.

The test results are pretty accurate.

Your wait for a formal diagnosis is likely to take years on the NHS so do your own research and take control of your own therapy would be what I would do in your situation

Any other "what if..." thoughts are only wasting your mental energy and making you feel bad so arm yourself with the knowledge and act accordingly.

I don't have a diagnosis yet though. Maybe my brain doesn't work differently and I'm the problem....Although I think I have autism, I still feel like a fraud trying to explain away all the bad parts of who I am with a label that may not even be accurate. Until I have an actual diagnosis, I can't help but feel like maybe it's just a me problem.