Coming out / disclosing

I’ve managed masking for the last 25-30 years but for various reasons I just can’t any more, or at least not at a cost I can bear.

And while masking has been very effective for my career it has completely failed me in my personal life. I think it’s time to balance things out a bit.

That’s a really good article. Thank you for sharing it.

I think it will take people like the person in the article - and people like the rest of us - to put our heads above the parapet and show our colleagues that autistic people are people, capable, useful and likeable (or not!) just like everyone else.

I am very particular about who and what I say. I tend to substitute my conditions with generalisations such as neurodiverse. Even so, I only tell people who are close to me and need to know, like my line manager. I keep my personal challenges quiet in order to prevent prejudice and discrimination. This has been my previous experience, and it has affected how I approach sharing my conditions. Fortunately, my company has a private adjustment/accessibility system overseen by the occupational health staff. This system enables me to receive the accommodations I require without disclosing my conditions to my coworkers.

Just because a company has managed to receive a Disability Confident Employer badge, is not to say their employees uphold those standards. It is more of a tokenism to many. You just have to be careful with the battles you take, and some are worth it, others not so much. I have been fortunate enough to have a great line manager, as he often checks on me, never pushes for more details, and always approves time off, extra breaks, and further support such as the company paying for my therapy. He even fought with HR over a sick day “violation” for months, which was eventually expunged.

You will find allies in a sea of adversaries, but you do have to be tactful.

A positive article I enjoyed reading re ASD:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cp954ep948lo

I have had my struggles at work mainly due to interactions with staff and my blunt communication. I had hoped that by disclosing and asking for adjustments that I would be supported enough for me to do my job the best of my ability. I read up on the Equality act etc and believed what was written in official documents such as the EHRC statutory guidelines. However every time I raise something HR just say it doesn't apply to their policies etc.

Thanks Ian.

What I posted was only a very brief synopsis of what my experience is. I had previously been under occupational health who suggested adjustments based on my health and mental wellbeing. These adjustments were never fully implemented or irregularly so. The email I referred to was the straw that broke the camels back. There had been a slow build up of pressure of various elements including nonapplication of previous adjustments. I was not asking for lavish adjustments but for a safe space for when my senses become overwhelmed, a quiet place to work and advanced rotas for when I was the duty manager.

Mine is a complex case and would take about 2hrs to tell. I have union involvement and am keeping all correspondence.

I should have said I would need to disclose to all the staff in my department before my manager will take up the awareness training for all staff. My bad.

I think I am going to need all the luck and a good lawyer.

I am still a students, but I'm also a very busy volunteer, and I'm 'out' in both contexts in different amounts. 

At uni I'm very much out, partly because my body language and tone can be 'off' enough that if I don't tell people why, they tend to come to the conclusion that I dislike them. Which isn't intended. Also to explain why I'm not going to all the social events.

As a volunteer my manager and my close colleagues know, partly so I can avoid places which will be particularly overwhelming sensorily. I don't tell literally everyone I meet though. I was initially cautious to disclose in this setting as it's really focused on communication skills, and not everyone understands the nuance of 'this is script and checklist based communication and I'm really good at that because that's partly what I do normally'. However two of my trainers when I was learning were open about being autistic, and they're both very well respected in the organisation. So that helped me feel a lot more comfortable. So being 'out' can be an advantage to others as well.

In short, I'd say if you can't manage the masking, coming out may be a good idea. Not everyone understands, but in my experience enough are willing to learn that it's a net benefit. 

Mr T said:

I asked why my managers had not approached me to discuss reasonable adjustments

My understanding is that you need to be the one driving this process so you would need to work out what the reasonal adjustments were that you think you need then you ask for these - you need to own the process like you did when yo disclosed.

Mr T said:

I was informed by email that my autism was long-term and therefore I should be well aware of what barriers I had at work. This caused a meltdown and I have not been back at work since

Consider it from your employers point of view - you were surviving up to the point you disclosed then when your employer pointed out their view (ie you had not asked for adjustments so they would assume you needed none and that situation would remain as before) then you throw a hissy fit and stay off work for 18 months

To someone not familiar with autism it is entirely possible that a less sympathetic view would be this.

Mr T said:

Even when awareness training was funded via ATW I was told that for it to be effective then I would need to disclose before they would implement it.

Who is the awareness training for? If it is for all staff then the loss of working time could be a barrier for them to implement it but for just your management then it should be a no brainer.

You had already disclosed your autism so I don't understand the latter part of the sentence. Does it mean you are not diagnosed or that you did not inform HR?

It is worth noting in all of this that HRs job is to look after the need of the company and managers, not the employees so they will never really be on your side when there is any sort of conflict.

In your situation I would engage with a union (hopefully you already are a member), get a good employment solicitor with experience in disability discrimination, start keeping copies of all correspondence around this matter at home and plan for the worst (ie being fired) - its sounds very much like you need to be a lot more positive in dealing with HR and advocate better for your own needs to salvage the situation.

Good luck with the fight.

I wouldn’t say my experience has been positive, it just hasn’t been particularly negative. Nobody has openly attacked me although I do worry that have been slightly sidelined.

But I haven’t had any accommodations at all. Such as it is it’s been one or two people I’m closer to just  being a bit more understanding.

This is why I want to be more open about it - so people understand that there are certain ways of working that I just can’t accept any longer.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time though, and you do highlight the risks of disclosing.

If only every workplace was so understanding. I disclosed to my manager and nothing, nada, diddly squat! I asked why my managers had not approached me to discuss reasonable adjustments. A number of weeks later I was informed by email that my autism was long-term and therefore I should be well aware of what barriers I had at work. This caused a meltdown and I have not been back at work since. In a subsequent HR meeting my manager told me to stop rolling my eyes and making faces when she was talking. I asked for reasonable adjustments to help me and have been rejected or told that it would be too difficult to manage. Even when awareness training was funded via ATW I was told that for it to be effective then I would need to disclose before they would implement it.

This situation is over 18 months old now and still ongoing. I am effectively being managed out of my department to god knows where and what I will end up doing is slowly destroying me. This is so unhealthy for me the uncertainty is crippling. I am working from home on temporary placements and have found that I am barely functioning. it is becoming very difficult to control my anxiety and I barely leave the house.

The funniest thing about this, well you have got to laugh, is that my employer proclaims itself to be a disability confident employer and the NHS!

So whilst it is good to hear about all the positives about disclosing, my experience has been the opposite.

I say this not to moan (well a little) but to provide a balance to peoples experiences.

Alien0n3arth said:

me having same foods, wearing same clothes,  walking like a robot or soldier and almost not talking

Oddly enough, I was occasionally made fun of at work for always wearing the same outfit, years before I was diagnosed.

As for the rest - I work in IT so these things are not unusual in my office!

Lotus said:

For me, being more myself seemed to help me create stronger bonds with my colleagues

I think one of the biggest reasons I have struggled to build close relationships with people is that it’s very difficult to form a bond with a facade. Masking lets me operate more or less normally in society but it hasn’t helped me make true friendships.

So maybe it’s time I took a chance, and let people decide whether or not they like the real me.

If nothing else they’ll understand why I struggle with long meetings, hate noise and have a limited social battery.

I’m not diagnosed, but told by professionals that they are sure I’m autistic. I told that my manager and one other colleague, but only because they were concerned about my reactions to noisy and dynamic environment. First I told them I have depression and Tourette (officially diagnosed) but they said it’s unbelievable how I could have these conditions. So I finally told them what I was told by two psychiatrists. They only said, that now it makes sense. My team is supportive, sometimes someone from other team makes kinda fun of me, because they always see me having same foods, wearing same clothes,  walking like a robot or soldier and almost not talking. No small talk, I don’t talk if I have nothing to say. So for them I’m a little geek but I don’t care, only two people know and accommodate me, I’m also accommodating to my other ND colleague. He is not autistic, but has ADHD and other conditions. I was very reluctant about sharing this information, but it happened I did it only because I felt comfortable welcome in the team. I would like to add, that the last therapist I had my first session with, he made huge eyes and asked me if I imagined this Tourette and depression myself. But I was happy because he listened carefully asked me questions and didn’t talk at me, also noticed one thing that made me think somehow deeper about the whole issue. And he said one more good thing- he doesn’t see any need to medicate me. I’m done with meds and he said in his opinion it’s better to not take meds if not necessary. I agree. 

I'm now retired, but I "went public" in my last job. I told management and just a couple of colleagues I was close to at first and they were fine, but it took some time before I told others. Some were surprised, some just accepted it or said oh yeah, I have a relative who's autistic, some sort of just ignored it and carried on talking about something else. I decided to be open about it to raise awareness, because I'm pretty sure nobody would have guessed it about me.

I decided to try to stop masking and people pleasing, I told people if I struggled with things (such as not being comfortable in a large group or noisy atmospheres, if I was invited to a social event) and I pointed out that people on the spectrum have strengths that allistic people don't have, and vice versa, so a mix of the two makes a good team.

For me, being more myself seemed to help me create stronger bonds with my colleagues. There were a few people who had said how good I was at my job, so maybe some of the others felt better knowing that I also had fallibilities, or maybe they liked me more because I seemed more authentic or more relaxed. 

It worked ok for me, but it depends on the people you work with and how they react. 

I disclosed to my work management as im qute insular with my work collegues and it's no one elses business really unless you choose to let them know really. At the end of the day its who you feel comfortable with telling really.

I have told a few people I am closeish to via email. I don’t have a problem discussing it. Bit of an open book and it explains a lot of the issues I have had in the past to better out than in. 

The 'upgrade' may have driven quite a few people away and also, I don't know whether any are still finding they can't post.

Here's some info in case you don't know about it as it could happen to you:

community.autism.org.uk/.../list-of-what-is-currently-wrong-with-the-forum

Thanks Debbie. Things aren’t as bad as they perhaps sound from my initial post. I am having a different experience of burnout this time, because I know what it is (and what it isn’t). So I’m focussing on energy and stimulus management rather than thinking I’m depressed or ill.

I feel very positive about the possibility of going public at work, but possibly too positive.

I’ll have a search through the old threads.

Unknown said:

this forum is a bit like Marie Celeste nowadays

It is very quiet. I suppose it’s up to those of us who are currently here to make it a place others will want to come.

As this forum is a bit like Marie Celeste nowadays, I just wanted to reply to wish you all the best with this.

When I was working I was a contractor for many years and there was little respect paid to us and 'no' support structures.

If you are an employee, I hope that there is more available and that your colleagues are respectful if you disclose.

I'm sorry to read that you are going through this.

There are old threads on the subject which may be of interest.